How Do I Let Go of Love?

Photo by Lynn Davis
A dear friend of mine is going through a painful time that I can completely relate to. He has been madly in love with a woman who has now made it clear that their relationship will never be. He is devastated and asked how to 'kill' the love he feels for her. The pain is unbearable for him. I am on the tail-end of a 'losing love' experience, so I shared the following with him, based upon what I have been learning along the way:

Time. They say time heals all wounds. Time also allows us to grow, change, let go, and move on.

Acceptance. Its hard to accept that what we wanted to the very core of our being - what we believed in and worked for with all we had - will never be. In conjunction with Time, Acceptance will allow us to let go, and move on.

Reality Check. Sometimes, no matter how right something may seem or is; no matter how much we give and work and sacrifice; things still don't work out according to plan. That is part of life and has no bearing on who we are or our worth - unless we distort it into such.

When there is betrayal or some clear wrong doing it is easier to move on because we can use fault and blame, and we have something concrete to hold on to that explains why it didn't work out.

When there is no fault or blame - when it just 'is', it is gut-wrenchingly difficult to get past. As humans we like to tie up loose ends. We don't like unfinished business, and we like to resolve things. When something just 'is' there is no resolution - only acceptance that it 'is'.

Prayer for Peace. When there is no resolution, Praying for Peace is the tool that allows us to Accept and move on. Peace fills in those gaps left behind by the loose ends and unfinished business.

Bite-Sized Pieces. Taking it one day at a time sometimes seems like too much. If it has to be dealt with one moment or one breath at a time, it is ok. We only need to deal with what we have to when we have to. There is plenty of time, and there will be much growth along the way. We need to learn to be ok with that, and find things about the process to embrace. They are there - we just need to watch for them.

Live*Laugh*Love. Along the way, we need to allow ourselves to truly live again; to laugh and cry and mourn and feel joy; and we need to open ourselves up to loving again. Shutting ourselves down at first can be helpful in allowing the wound to scab over and to help us get some perspective. But we need to take care that we don't stay in that place - that we take one baby step at a time if necessary, back into living again.

In the movie Field of Dreams, there was a now much-quoted line, "If you build it they will come." Well, to put that into context for this, "If you allow it, you will heal." We are not being disloyal or showing our love to be any less real when we accept, let go, and move on. Real love accepts the other person and their agency. Real love also loves and respects ourselves and our right to happiness, too. It is a mark of true love, and emotional maturity to be able to put things into perspective and to allow ourselves to live, and to love, again.

I don't believe this will 'kill' love, but I do believe it will help existing love devolve into its proper place and perspective for the circumstances so a person can live and love again.

What do YOU do to let go of love?

What Do I Have to Offer a Mate?

Photo by Chance Agrella
Perhaps the holidays are bringing this out more in the people around me, but a common theme I am coming across right now is people wondering what they have to offer a potential significant other. The list they formulate of ways in which they fall short can be great.

Most recently several male friends expressed some very deep and tender feelings about how they feel 'undesirable' as a mate due to financial/work situations they are each currently experiencing. They had other things on their lists, but the financial/work thing was at the top of both lists.

It breaks my heart to see anyone in such pain and isolating themselves, yet, in many ways I can understand where they are coming from.

I understand it is a little different for men than women, with the 'pressure' to be the provider and all . . .but many of us struggle with those same thoughts and feelings - wondering what on earth we have of any value to offer any one.

They say there is someone for everyone and they say there is a time and season for everything. I don't know what the answer is other than I know we all have value and worth in His sight - and sometimes that may have to be good enough (I am not being blasphemous here - I think you know what I mean).

Maybe that is part of it - learning how to let that be enough and to not worry so much about what society or our own insecurities and doubts say about our worth and value.

I am reminded of the book (I forget the author and title - I'll add it when it comes to me) which explained that just like the actual dollar amount of tithing we pay may be different from the dollar amount someone like Bill Gates would pay - it is all 10%. So, when we give of ourselves, it may not look the same as what others give - but if it is 100% of who we are and what we have, then it is sufficient, and all that we are expected and required to do.

How does YOUR list of what you have to offer compare with your list of how you fall short?

Holidays and Family

Photo by Karin Wassdahl
Because the holidays are typically a time for family gatherings, I thought it appropriate to list some family resources in my post for today.

Whether it is learning how to build a stronger family unit in your own home, or learning how to deal with difficult extended family members, the church's website has some great info to help.

Building a Strong Family: A Few LDS Resources

Some of the categories covered are Husband and Wife, Parent and Child, and Individual Family Members.

May your holiday season be filled with peace, joy, love, and light!

Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage

I read this review on Meridian Magazine's website, and I can't wait to get the book. The very principles and concepts I have been discovering along my own journey, and more, appear to be addressed in this book by H. Wallace Goddard.

Part of Maurine Proctor's review reads:

It is simply the best book on marriage that I have ever read, and I will always count it as a treasure in our library.

Though having a sweet companionship in marriage seems to be a universal dream, the world is fleeing from marriage in a sad resignation that the dream is sometimes hard to execute. Realizing the awesome power of married love and moving to live in oneness with another person requires not just good psychological principles or commonsense generalities that don't tell us much (like “communicate with each other”).

No, the joy that we hope to find in our marriages comes back to understanding some core principles and true solutions found in focusing on Christ, ideas that Goddard outlines with clarity.

“We will only succeed at marriage as we use eternal gospel principles to become more of what God has invited us to become,” he affirms.

I'll write more on this (my own review) after I get it and read it. I think the concepts in this book could be helpful in dating and seeking a mate, as well, if I am understanding the review correctly.

In the meanwhile, if you have read it, please leave some input here as to your thoughts about the book and the concepts it teaches.

If you have not read it yet but plan to, what do you hope to learn from it? What questions do you hope to have answered by information contained in the book?

NOTE: Meridian Magazine offers the opportunity to order this book for $16 with shipping charges as low as $3.75 (shipped via Media Mail) through their website: http://www.ldsmag.com/order/Item.aspx?id=5

I Miss His Smile . . .

Photo by Roxanna Gonzalez
Today I got a lot of good news and I wanted so much for there to be someone special here to share it with. My thoughts immediately went back to someone in my past whom would have been especially great to tell - and to celebrate with.

We had a great deal in common, and we truly enjoyed each other's company. We were so very compatible in so very many ways. The problem was there were some very big, bad, major issues which could not just be overlooked or brushed aside. As great as the good stuff was, was how really bad the bad stuff was.

The great stuff I had with him was the very stuff my dreams had been made of. I dreamed for so long of someone I would have that level of compatibility with whom I could also work well with. And work well together, we did.

The bad stuff was just - well, intolerable by the standards of any reasonable person. If those things were being addressed it would have made all the difference in the world. But, they weren't and there was no sign they ever would be. Discussions with me and all around him got exactly no where.

There was nothing left to do but walk away. Unless I wanted to 'settle' for living in an intolerable set of circumstances.

Sometimes I wonder if this is what being divorced and over 30 has come to - either 'settling' for intolerable situations so you aren't alone; or being alone and hoping you 'qualify' for that sweet matchmaking in the millennium.

What helps YOU in situations such as this?

Holiday Breakup Ploy

Photo by Chance Agrella
I have now heard about this ploy from multiple guy pals; and I am not sure if they are teasing me, or if some guys really do this.

It works like this: a guy is dating a gal, and as the gift-giving holidays approach, he breaks up with her. Then, once the holidays are over, he reconciles with her. This means from around November through February he is out catting around and avoiding giving any gifts to the woman he supposedly is crazy about, with the intent of getting back together with her once the holidays are passed.

Would any guy in his right mind actually do this? Is any guy so completely cheap and heartless he would do this?

Guys: SAY IT ISN'T SO!

Any guy who thinks that is appropriate behavior clearly is not mature enough or caring enough to handle being in a real relationship.

NEXT!

Too Picky . . . or Being Practical?

Photo by Chance Agrella
I have heard a lot of complaints from singles revolving around this idea that 'other' singles are 'too picky' and that is why they are still single. When asked about their own 'wish list', they balk.

This article was pointed out on a website I belong to, and while I totally agree with the concept, there is something lacking.

What the article is saying, in my perspective, is also what I say to those complaining about the 'too picky' thing. There is a difference between being 'too picky' and 'being practical'.

The things the article points out in the discussion about being too picky are all superficial or even shallow things. If we are looking for someone to build a lifetime or longer with, of course we should not be prioritizing such things.

However, when it comes to the things that revolve around our basic needs, or the foundation of creating and maintaining a lasting and happy relationship, there is no such thing as 'too picky'. You MUST have some serious discernment and discretion if you want to avoid divorce court.

There are certain personality and lifestyle traits in men which are simply not realistically well-suited for my needs. Some other women may well be able to compensate and tolerate. With my own life circumstances, it is not a matter of choosing to carry the weight in those areas or to be patient with them. The reality is that for a union with me to work, those things must not be present. My particular circumstances will not allow for them.

So, in weeding out men with those traits, I am not being 'picky', I am being 'practical'. See the difference?

As the article points out, a right match for us may not match at all the cardboard cut out based on fantasy we have created in our minds. What a blessing and wonder it is when you find someone who is 'everything you never knew you always wanted' (paraphrased from the movie 'Fools Rush In').

Also as the article pointed out, if we want to increase our chances for even finding a right match, we MUST broaden our horizons and open our minds.

Before we do any of that, though, it is crucial that we make ourselves a good partner first. If we don't have that cargo ship filled with steamer trunks down to one carry-on (emotional 'baggage' reference), we need to take a step back and fix ourselves before we subject others in the dating world to the train wreck that is us.

Like what I wrote and want to buy me a cherry coke?

Communication and Selflessness: The Heart of A Happy Eternal Union

Photo by Roxana Gonzalez
A friend and I were discussing what makes a happy eternal union: and what partnership qualities are. We boiled it down to two things: communication and selflessness. I think both are absolutely necessary, and have equal importance. Without either, you have the makings of a divorce.

What is Communication?
The technical definition of communication is:

1. The act of communicating; transmission.
2. a. The exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, writing, or behavior.
b. Interpersonal rapport.
c. The art and technique of using words effectively to impart information or ideas.

I really like the one which states that communication is 'the art and technique of using words effectively to impart information or ideas' (italics added for emphasis.

When it comes to human relationships, being effective in communication can be a tricky thing. Not only do we need to be sure we are saying what we mean, and meaning what we say, but we also have to ensure we are communicating in a way in which the recipient can clearly understand us and what we truly mean. Sometimes we are like the person speaking in Greek to the person who only understands French; or the person speaking on a PhD level to the person who only comprehends on a 2nd Grade level.

As the presenter of the information, we have a responsibility to ensure we are speaking in a way the recipient clearly understands.

As a recipient of information, our responsibility is similar. We need to be sure we are really listening rather than putting our own filters on what is being said. We need to hear the speaker, and not get lost in our own internal voice critiquing and answering the information which is being relayed, as it is being relayed. We also need to ask questions, using techniques such as paraphrasing and parroting to open the door for the speaker to clarify anything we have not understood.

Parroting is the act of repeating back, like a parrot, verbatim what you have heard. It shows you were carefully listening, however it doesn't illustrate what was heard was understood.

Paraphrasing is the technique of putting what the speaker said into your own words, and then repeating it back to them. This not only indicates that you carefully listened, but it also can highlight what was understood and what was not. This gives the speaker an opportunity to clear up any misunderstandings.

Simple acknowledgments ('yeah', 'ok', 'uh huh') have their time and place, but are not enough in the full scope of effective communications. It is not enough to hear the words being spoken. We must hear and understand the meaning of the speaker which lies beneath the vocabulary.

Another critical aspect of effective communication is that of openness and honesty. For us to achieve a happy and eternal union, we must not only be open and honest with each other, but we must first and foremost be open and honest with ourselves. We cannot be honest with others if we are deceiving ourselves. If we are deceiving ourselves, we are building our relationship upon a foundation of sand, and it will eventually come crashing down around us.

Open, honest, and effective communication is the foundation of trust, and virtually eliminates all opportunities for the spirit of contention to enter into our union.


What is Selflessness?

Technically, selflessness is defined as:

1. the quality of unselfish concern for the welfare of others [syn: altruism] [ant: egocentrism]
2. acting with less concern for yourself than for the success of the joint activity

Selflessness is a crucial aspect of genuine love, and of creating a happy eternal union. When we put our partner's welfare and best interest first: ahead of what we want and need, we have won half the battle. If our partner also is doing the same, what do we have to contend about or worry about?

When we selflessly love our partner it is reflected in our words and actions to them and away from them. Our own happiness is rooted in theirs. We seek to find ways to serve them, give to them, sacrifice for them, meet their needs, love them, care for them, and protect them.

Our thoughts and heart is centered in their needs and welfare. If they fail to meet a need of ours, our thoughts do not focus on this, and then go to what we are going to withhold from them because of it. Selflessly loving our partner is only selfless when it is also without condition. When conditions are placed upon it, selfishness is rearing its ugly head.

SOURCES:

communication. Dictionary.com. The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/communication (accessed: October 07, 2007).

selflessness. Dictionary.com. WordNet® 3.0. Princeton University. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/selflessness (accessed: October 07, 2007).


Like what I wrote and want to buy me a cherry coke?