Changing Priorities: Choosing to Be Single . . . and Happy

I haven't been posting a lot on any of my blogs because I have been incredibly blessed with being busy with work. This affects this blog and brings me to today's post for another reason: choices.

I came to a point in my life in which I had to make a choice between continuing to pursue dating and relationships in the hope of meeting a right match or to pursue my career and business dreams. While I believe it is possible to have it all in theory, there are times when it just isn't viable in practice. I found myself unable to give appropriate attention to both, so I had to choose.

After carefully weighing my options, as well as all the pros and cons of each, I chose my career. I chose to pursue building my financial circumstance to ensure I could continue to provide for my family now, as well as for myself in retirement.

At some point, things may change and I will be able to shift the bulk of my attention to dating and creating relationships. For now, however, I chose this path and I am happy on it, except for the occasional pity-party about not having anyone to share and build a life with.

The point of all of this is that you can be happy while you are single. I knew that before and I still believe it now. It is a very different thing from feeling like you have everything in your life that you want. But, if you can't be happy when things aren't perfect, will you ever be happy? Or will you always focus on what you don't have and what else you 'need' to be happy (rather than realizing that happiness, itself, is a choice)?

I still get asked out and I struggle with the reality that I just can't give these men the time and attention they deserve with everything I have chosen to put on my plate. Being single for the rest of my life is certainly not my ideal life course.

But, in my heart, I believe that this is the right path for me, right now. Maybe one day the timing will be right to shift priorities, but maybe that day will never come . . .or maybe a right match will never come, even if I do begin to date again.

I can't predict the future, so I deal with today . . and each day, one day at a time.

Its ok to put dating ahead of other things or to put other things ahead of dating. Only you, being brutally honest with yourself, know what the right path is for you and your circumstances. You can be happy in your circumstances, whatever they are - and should be. We were not meant to be miserable. Life is a journey, but what we make of that journey is completely up to us.

The Perceptions of Men vs Women

Image via WikipediaI tend to believe that while we are ‘all the same’, there are times when men and women are just ‘wired’ differently. Today, I was part of a real-life, funny example of that.

My son’s cell phone broke, so we went to the local Radio Shack to replace it. They know us there, and they are just really wonderful and knowledgeable about everything electronic.

Today, one man and one woman were working. We were all looking at the phones (My teen and I were the only customers), and talking about the differences. The saleslady and I both commented on how much we liked the small blue phone. My son said, “But, it looks too girly!” We laughed. Then I asked the salesman what he thought. He hesitated, but my son prodded him. The salesman laughed and then agreed that he thought it looked ‘too girly’ as well.

Then, both males went for a neon green phone. They told us that it looked more ‘masculine’. The saleslady and I laughed, and almost at the same time commented that we thought that was the phone that looked ‘girly’.

The moral of the story is that even though men and women are ‘equal’, they may well view the world through very different perceptions. There is no right or wrong about this, it is just something that needs to be understood, accepted, and worked with.

When the focus is on working together rather than ‘being right’ a lot more can be done and many arguments can be avoided.

But, don’t take my word for it. There are studies that back up the fact that men and women really are ‘wired’ differently:

Brains Wired Differently in Men and Women by Andrea Thompson.
Livescience.com. September 8, 2008, 5:02 pm ET
http://www.livescience.com/health/080905-synapse-gap.html

Emotional Wiring Different in Men and Women
Livescience.com. April 19, 2006, 10:05 am ET
http://www.livescience.com/health/060419_brain_wiring.html

Men and Women: Are We Wired Differently?
Today Show/MSNBC – Health. (Updated) December 14, 2006
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16187129

Men and Women are Wired Differently by Dr.Gary and Barbara Rosberg
Marriage Intimacy.com, 2000.
http://www.marriageintimacy.com/intimacy-in-the-marriage-relationship.htm

The Attractiveness of Confidence

Photo © Lynn Davis
Definitions of confidence on the Web:
• assurance: freedom from doubt; belief in yourself and your abilities; "his assurance in his superiority did not make him popular"; "after that ...
• a feeling of trust (in someone or something); "I have confidence in our team"; "confidence is always borrowed, never owned"
• a state of confident hopefulness that events will be favorable; "public confidence in the economy"
• a trustful relationship; "he took me into his confidence"; "he betrayed their trust"
• a secret that is confided or entrusted to another; "everyone trusted him with their confidences"; "the priest could not reveal her confidences"
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

In dating and relationships, confidence is very attractive and is one of several very positive and necessary character traits generally required to have a healthy, happy relationship.

I found this fabulous article about confidence that explains what confidence is and why it is so attractive:

What Makes a Self-Confident Person Attractive? By Marti Yarbrough.

(*Note: the article concludes on page 2, with page 3 being the bibliography)

Slow Fade – The Slow Destruction of Self and Relationships

I heard this song for the first time last night, and it immediately caught my attention. The song points out how easy it is to move away – one little moment at a time - from any relationship or goal.

As the song says, “people don’t crumble in a day”. The destruction of dreams and relationships don’t happen in just one day – there is something that led to it, one little step at a time. Those little things usually involve justifications and desensitization, as well.

When we have a clear vision of what it is we want, and we stick with the desire to have that – even when its not easy – it is easier to stay on track. Its when we are unclear, unsure, and put other things first that we stumble, crumble, and fall.

Casting Crowns – Slow Fade (posted on AOL video)

Free eHarmony Weekend Jan 1- 4, 2009 - Happy New Year!

Image via WikipediaWhile on Facebook, I spotted an ad for a free weekend on eHarmony.

The link below will take you to a sign-up page that requires your first name and zip code along with some other innocuous information. Beyond that, I don’t know what you will be asked to do, though I assume from prior experience with eHarmony at the least you will be required to take the l-o-n-g quiz and fill out basic profile information.

They may or may not require upfront credit card information. If they do, be sure to print out the cancellation policy information so you will know how to protect yourself from being billed if you decide to cancel after the free weekend.

http://www.eharmony.com/singles/servlet/registration?cid=32601&aid=1000

New Year’s Resolutions and Dating

Image via WikipediaWith the new year rapidly approaching, many are contemplating what to tackle in 2009 as part of their “New Year’s Resolution”. For some, included items will be related directly or indirectly to dating and relationships.

The desired changes may be physical, financial, spiritual, or emotional in nature. However, resolutions are notorious for being broken shortly into the new year.

Over on About.com there is a great list of tips for keeping your New Year’s Resolution as well as some ‘Fast Facts’ about New Year’s Resolutions.

For some people, however, making changes is not something they resolve to do beginning in the new year, but something they undertake on an almost daily basis. For these people, changing is an ongoing process they consciously tackle throughout their lifetime.

So, when it comes to changing your life, are you a New Year’s Resolution person or a ongoing basis person? What changes will you be tackling in the upcoming year?

Resource:

10 Tips for Keeping New Year’s Resolutions. Amber J. Tresca.
About.com – IBD section
http://ibdcrohns.about.com/cs/mentalhealth/a/newyearresolve.htm

Women are Required to Cheat to Protect the Species

An interesting article from ScienceNOW Daily News involves the study of why females cheat – or try to mate with more than one male at a time. According to the multi-generational study of fruit flies, certain less-than-desirable traits can be eliminated by the competing sperm of multiple male partners. Thus, by mating with more than one male at a time, the odds are high that ‘good’ sperm will kill off the less-desirable sperm, so the offspring will be produced only by the 'good' sperm with the desirable traits. In this way, the species as whole is protected and strengthened.

I daresay that since humans are far more evolved than fruit flies and do not ‘mate’ only in order to procreate, the compulsion to be with more than one partner at a time is not about protecting and strengthening the species.

This is, however, yet another good attempt by science to justify bad behavior and poor judgment in humans. The previous attempt was aimed at cheating males.

Source:
Why the Lady Is a Tramp
By Rachel Zelkowitz
ScienceNOW Daily News
21 November 2008
http://sciencenow.sciencemag.org/cgi/content/full/2008/1121/1

Sean Hannity Brings Online Dating to Conservatives

Image via Wikipedia

I heard a comment on a television show about conservative talk show host Sean Hannity having an online dating site. I checked it out, and sure enough – he does!

The Hannidate online dating site is for conservatives and is free to join. The services include photos, searching and matching. However, a faxed-in copy of a signed legal release is required. I am thinking this probably helps cut down on spammers and scammers.

Visitors are freely able to browse profiles before joining. All age groups are represented, and the Hannidate online dating site is organized by age groupings and location. Hannidate is open to people outside of the US as well.

For more information, please go to the “Hannidate” section of Sean Hannity’s website.

Its Not Who I Am, Its What I Do

Image via Wikipedia

I was reading a US Magazine interview with Carrie Underwood earlier, and something she said hit home with me.

"If I met somebody, and they don't know anything about me," she said, "That's like, 'Oh, you're going to actually get to know me a little bit before you go Google me?"

Despite my lack of fame and notoriety, just by virtue of being a writer, I, too, get the ‘get to know me vs Google me’ thing in dating.

It’s a very uncomfortable feeling to have someone checking you out online. It creates a false sense of ‘knowing you’ in them, and it also represents an unfair ‘advantage’ in the balance of the blossoming relationship. In all honesty, it creeps me out to have someone who is interested in me checking me out online rather than just getting acquainted with me one-on-one.

I have also discovered, more often than not, that people who spend more time trying to find out about me on Google than one-on-one usually have issues I do not wish to deal with such as control, insecurity, and trust.

While writing has always been my heart’s desire, it is also something I do – it is not who I am. Sometimes I write about the things that matter to me, and sometimes I write what I am assigned, from the perspective I am instructed. Many times the final product is different from what I originally wrote. Sometimes the changes are minor and other times they are not.

In any case, assuming one ‘knows me’ simply by reading my writing or Googling me is wrong.

For the first time, I am beginning to understand part of the difficulty celebrities have in relationships. People think they ‘know’ the celebs based upon roles they have played, songs they have sung, and rumors that have been spread.

There will always be a piece of me in my writing. However, the whole me is far more complex and complete than any amount of Googling could ever reveal.

The only true way to get to know a person is to actually get to know them.

To that end, what do you find to be the best ways to get to know someone?


Source:
US Magazine (Online)
Carrie Underwood Apologizes for Upsetting Jessica Simpson
Monday November 3, 2008
http://www.usmagazine.com/news/carrie-underwood-apologizes-for-upsetting-jessica-simpson

Veterans Day 2008 - Date a Veteran

Image via WikipediaToday is Veterans Day, and in honor of that, today’s post is about veterans and dating.

First up is a look at why women love men in uniform from author Linda Howard in her interview with Crescent Blues E'Magazine:

Crescent Blues: What is it about a guy in uniform that so turns you on? Why do you think they make such good heroes?

Linda Howard: Because when they put on that uniform, that is proof that they are willing to put themselves between you and danger. It's a visual statement.

Multiple online dating sites are geared towards military personnel (past and present) and those who love them. Please note this is not a recommendation of any of the sites listed - it is merely a listing of options.

Whispy’s Directory of Military Singles Online Dating Sites

Iraq War Veteran’s Listing of Military Singles Online Dating Sites

MilitarySpot.com

MilitaryDatingOnline.com

If you want more information regarding specific online dating sites, please check the sidebar of this blog for the ratings widget and link.

Happy Veterans Day – Be sure to send some love to a Vet today!

Men are Genetically Inclined to Cheat

I read this interesting article from ScienceMag.org, "Why Men Cheat".

While I find the discovery of a 'cheating gene' interesting, I find the concept to be one of the biggest cop-outs of all time. Regardless of whether there is a gene that can create stronger urges towards infidelity in men or not, the fact is that man is supposed to be more evolved and civilized than animals.

To say a man is completely subject to his genetics and primal urges is to say he is no better now than a caveman or an animal. I reject this and propose that while any human being may have an urge to cheat, it is the very nature and responsibility of civilized men and women to use conscious thought and intellect to overrule primal urges.

What do YOU say?

Hey PlayaDude! What Makes a Friend a Great Marital Choice?

Image via Wikipedia I am starting off today's post by giving a "shout-out" to an awesome man in my life. *Hey PlayaDudue!* This man went from being a disastrous date several years ago to one of my best friends now. Its amazing how much can happen when kindness, communication, and forgiveness exist. I do not know what I would do if I did not have this man’s friendship and support in my life.

This and another situation in my life got me thinking about the different types of relationships we create in our life, and how much relationships change over time. As humans, we are ever changing, so people being able to stay together for 25+ years boggles my mind. It demonstrates to me that it is very much possible in our flawed human state to commit to one person, to put the good of another person and a relationship ahead of our own whims, and that the couple who selflessly loves one another stays together.

Counting my best friend who passed away recently, I have had three male best friends in this stage of my life that I could never be with romantically, but I do not know how I would survive without them in my life platonically.

They say you should marry your best friend, but all three of them would disagree with that in terms of us. I would have to agree with them. So, what then is the ‘thing’ that makes a best friend a great marital choice vs. just a best friend? I think for me, I can easily be friends with people who are very different from me. However, when it comes to building a committed romantic relationship and future, I think you really need common goals and values - I know that I do.

What do YOU think? Do you have friends you could marry?

You Don't Flirt With Me

Image via Wikipedia I was told that recently by a gentleman with whom I have been communicating.

It really took me by surprise. I am usually told I am a huge flirt, and 'accused' of flirting when I am simply conversing.

First, I thought about what expectations the gentleman was putting on me and our conversations. Part of me wondered, based on a couple of comments he made previously, if by 'flirting' he actually meant something else - like talking about things I do not feel comfortable talking about with men I have not even gone out with - much less am not involved with.

Then I thought about my level of attraction to him and realized I had been keeping the tone a little more 'friendly' and 'casual' than I do with guys I am seriously interested in getting to know better.

The final thought was that perhaps part of me just doesn't want to date or get involved right now, and actually has stifled the flirty side of my personality. That thought made me feel a little sad, but as I considered what is going on in my life I realized that at least for now, perhaps it is for the best.

How flirty are you and what affects your level of flirtatiousness?
How do YOU define 'flirty'?

The Art of Manliness and a FREEBIE

Image by HckySo via FlickrI stumbled across "The Art of Manliness" and I have to admit that I totally love it! Today I discovered they have a FREE guide for 2008. I downloaded it and it is fabulous.

I am a bit 'old fashioned', so these common-sense guidelines for courteous and gentlemanly behavior really appeal to me. I am totally hot for gentlemen.

But, I am old-fashioned, and I am a woman. I would love to know what the men around here think of The Art of Manliness and the guide.

Also, I would like feedback from the ladies - what do YOU think about the site and the guide?

Personally, I think men and women should always treat each other with such courtesy - I don't think either gender should settle for less than being treated in such a manner.

The Art of Manliness

Guide to Being a Gentleman in 2008 (PDF)

Married versus Single: Who is Healthier?

The Journal of Health and Social Behavior has released interesting findings in the September issue regarding the health of marrieds versus singles. Especially of interest are the results for married men versus never married men.

Read more about it:
Study: Health Gap Closing Between Married, Single People

The article from the Journal in full is available for purchase HERE.

Subscribe to the Journal HERE.

Website Reviews Online Dating Services and More

Over in the sidebar on the right I have a widget for DateRater. It updates as new reviews are added to the DateRater site.

I have come across another online dating service review site, however this one does not have a widget - you have to go to the site. The Viewpoints.com website offers consumer reviews about a multitude of things, including online dating services.

Online Dating Site Reviews

For now, I will put a link in the sidebar under the DateRater widget. If viewpoints offers a widget in the future, I will add it for you.

Birthdays and Dating

Image via WikipediaToday is my birthday, and it got me thinking about how birthdays affect dating.

If you are an online dater, some sites will mark your profile with a birthday symbol, or 'announce' your birthday in some other way. This can drive more traffic to your profile and elicit contact with people who may become new friends or more.

However, your birthday also increases your age which may put you in a new demographic for searches on the dating sites. This can increase or decrease your views and contacts significantly. Additionally, it can affect the kind of contact you get. For example, I have some friends who 'freaked out' when their age change suddenly garnered a lot of attention from men who were 20+ years older than them. That kind of age difference creeped them out. What a difference a day makes!

Let us not forget the birthdays that come along while you are dating someone. If you are already in an established relationship its not as big a deal, but if you have barely started dating someone it can prove to be awkward. Do you ask them out for their birthday, send them a card or buy them a small gift? Is that appropriate or pushy? If you are the birthday person, do you invite your date to your birthday party or even tell them about your birthday? Is that appropriate or does it seem like you are 'hinting' for 'cash and prizes'?

I also have some friends who celebrate their birthday each year by changing their birthday online, the day before. For some this keeps them the same age. Others seem to be aging backwards.

How do you handle birthdays and dating?

Religious Restrictions on Singles

Image via WikipediaI think with any religion or culture there will be ongoing misunderstandings about life in it. One I have repeatedly found with being LDS is how prevalent the theory is that the church ‘controls’ its members.

I have never found the church to do anything more than other churches do – counsel and ‘preach’ if you will to their congregants to live better, do better, and be better. Many churches have become far more politically active from the pulpit than the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has. For the most part, the church explains the guidelines, repeats them as needed, and allows members to decide how closely to the letter of the law or the spirit of the law they wish to live – as well as how to ‘interpret’ the gray areas – within reason.

So, when I read this article today about Saudi Arabia’s Islamic Religious Police, I had to chuckle to myself. Then I had to share.

Saudi Arabia Bans Sale of Dogs and Cats in Capital in Effort to Keep Sexes Apart

I have never heard the church tell single members anything about conduct and intermingling other than to remain chaste until marriage and to be courteous to one another always. Oh, and that its best to not start dating until you are 16 ( advice not commandment – but great advice, by the way). In fact, our church has been making great strides in helping singles in their single life, to recognize they do ‘fit in’ in a church that is so heavily focused on ‘family’, and to help them have appropriate venues and activities for intermingling. I have been thrilled to see these changes, and hope the trend will continue.

So, back to the Saudi Arabia story – what do you find to be useful as a ‘chick’ or ‘dude’ magnet? As a ‘chick’ I have found that having a vehicle that is ‘loaded’ and has 4wd works well as a ‘dude magnet’. So does having ultra long hair. Lol.

Dating Younger

A friend and I were discussing an interesting phenomenon that occurred when I turned 40 last year. There was one online dating website in particular that I was especially active on. I changed my profile and updated my photos quite a bit – and I kept loose track of what was getting the desired results and what was not.

In some instances, I got overwhelming responses – but not the type I was looking for. In other instances, I got fewer responses than I normally did, but they were closer to what I was seeking.

In any event, the day I turned 40 and my age was updated on my profile, everything changed. It didn’t matter what I said in my profile or what photo I used, suddenly views and responses were minimal.

There had been many discussions on the boards of that site that the 40+ men were chasing ‘younger’ women, while ignoring women their own age. I didn’t “see” that so much when I was 39 because – I was still in that 30-something age range that was being checked out. The minute I turned 40, I was no longer in their searches, or coming up in their suggested matches because I was now outside their search parameters.

As my friend and I discussed this, I began wondering if that didn’t in some way contribute to the other phenomenon of age 40+ women dating younger men. With less of a dating pool in their own age, “older” women dating interested younger men makes sense. Add to that the fact that women generally have a longer life span than men, and it makes even more sense to date/marry younger men.

One part of me cannot see a long-term relationship happening for me with a 27 year old – then again, when I consider how people change when they have been married and divorced as so many my age have been, 27 yr old men (who have likely not been married) don’t look so bad.

For dating younger, the rule of thumb (so you don’t look like a pervert) is ½ your age plus 7. I will be 41 in about a week, so for me it would be 41 – ½ (20.5) = 20.5 + 7 = 27 ½. So, age 27-28 would be the minimal age.

My personal opinion is that if they are closer in age to my child than me, they are too young. That opinion actually ‘ups’ the minimum age I can date. I am 41 (almost) and my teen is 16. That means there is a 25-year difference between our ages. Half of that is 12.5, so the youngest I could date would be 12.5 years younger than myself. 41-12.5 = 28.5.

Though I have gotten the impression over the years that younger men who chase older women are looking for a sugar momma or “experienced” sex, there are probably some out there who have honorable intentions. Until now, the youngest man I ever went out with was 6 years younger. Lately, I am thinking a 28 year old with honorable intentions might not be so bad.

What do YOU think about dating younger?

Matchmaker, Matchmaker Make Me - A Mormon Match!

I read in Time.com today that the founders of SawYouAtSinai.com plan on expanding their services into the LDS market. I think this is a fabulous idea!

They currently offer online dating with a twist – matches are made by real live matchmakers, not algorithms. If I understand the job of a shadchan correctly, they are not only observant students of human behavior, but they are also well-versed in the dynamics of creating a lasting happy marriage. Once they suggest matches, it is up to the matches to review the candidates and choose from them.

It is similar to eHarmony in that you cannot view profiles unless you have been matched with them, but the matches are made by real people who understand how real people and real relationships work.

Admittedly, it may not be for everyone, but I can see some advantages to having professional matchmakers pick out great candidates, and those chosen taking it from there, with, of course, regular consultation with Heavenly Father.

What do YOU think about using the services of a real live matchmaker?