In dating and relationships, confidence is very attractive and is one of several very positive and necessary character traits generally required to have a healthy, happy relationship.
I found this fabulous article about confidence that explains what confidence is and why it is so attractive:
I heard a comment on a television show about conservative talk show host Sean Hannity having an online dating site. I checked it out, and sure enough – he does!
The Hannidate online dating site is for conservatives and is free to join. The services include photos, searching and matching. However, a faxed-in copy of a signed legal release is required. I am thinking this probably helps cut down on spammers and scammers.
Visitors are freely able to browse profiles before joining. All age groups are represented, and the Hannidate online dating site is organized by age groupings and location. Hannidate is open to people outside of the US as well.
For more information, please go to the “Hannidate” section of Sean Hannity’s website.
The Journal of Health and Social Behavior has released interesting findings in the September issue regarding the health of marrieds versus singles. Especially of interest are the results for married men versus never married men.
Image via WikipediaI think with any religion or culture there will be ongoing misunderstandings about life in it. One I have repeatedly found with being LDS is how prevalent the theory is that the church ‘controls’ its members.
I have never found the church to do anything more than other churches do – counsel and ‘preach’ if you will to their congregants to live better, do better, and be better. Many churches have become far more politically active from the pulpit than the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has. For the most part, the church explains the guidelines, repeats them as needed, and allows members to decide how closely to the letter of the law or the spirit of the law they wish to live – as well as how to ‘interpret’ the gray areas – within reason.
So, when I read this article today about Saudi Arabia’s Islamic Religious Police, I had to chuckle to myself. Then I had to share.
I have never heard the church tell single members anything about conduct and intermingling other than to remain chaste until marriage and to be courteous to one another always. Oh, and that its best to not start dating until you are 16 ( advice not commandment – but great advice, by the way). In fact, our church has been making great strides in helping singles in their single life, to recognize they do ‘fit in’ in a church that is so heavily focused on ‘family’, and to help them have appropriate venues and activities for intermingling. I have been thrilled to see these changes, and hope the trend will continue.
So, back to the Saudi Arabia story – what do you find to be useful as a ‘chick’ or ‘dude’ magnet? As a ‘chick’ I have found that having a vehicle that is ‘loaded’ and has 4wd works well as a ‘dude magnet’. So does having ultra long hair. Lol.
One of the (many) things I am doing currently is beta testing a network television station's new website. One of the features of this website is in the games section and involves matching players up with a particular television series' character.
I took the test more than once, and tried variations of answer sets that all honestly reflected me and my personality. I got the same results every time.
The show is not one I am familiar with, so I looked up the show and the character I was matched with online. I was matched with a conniving murderer.
I have taken many funny, semi-serious, and ultra-serious matching quizzes over the years, and certain elements have remained the same. In all honestly, some of the traits that I love and value the most in men, such as drive, ambition, determination, and raw male power, if they go horribly wrong, could lead to conniving and perhaps murderous behavior.
When it comes to the traits of YOUR perfect match, what are the dark side of the coin traits they could turn into?
Photo by Roxana Gonzalez I was watching the movie My Mom’s New Boyfriend (rated PG-13) the other day, and in it the character, Marty, made two statements that got me thinking.
The first was that life is too short for lies. While I don’t think the length of one’s life should have any bearing on truth-telling, I ‘get’ that the point that was being made is that we only have so much time here on earth and we should not be wasting that time with falsehoods and misleading others. Lies waste the time of the liar who has to keep track of their lies, think up material to use in their lies, and continually add to their lies in order to maintain them and cover-up the fact that they are lying. Truth is simple, easy-to-remember, and direct. No time is wasted when one simply tells the truth.
The second statement that the character from the movie made that got me thinking is that she believes in only doing those things that makes her happy.
After some thought, I realized that in some ways, this statement can illustrate a truly great way to live.
If you have a good sense of yourself and have your head on straight, then the things that make you happy would be those things that would not be harmful to yourself (like drugs) or others. This means the opposite would hold true as well – that those things that would make you feel unhappy would also be those things that would be harmful to you or others. So, in that context, only doing things that make you happy would be, largely, living an altruistic life. To truly live a completely altruistic life, there is a little more involved, but certainly, this would be a step in the right direction.
I subscribe to several sections of the About.com website. One of them is the LDS section. I have gotten a lot of great information for Family Home Evening (FHE), free music, and blog fodder, among other things.
Today I got an email update and it had two things in it I think are highly relevant to LDS Singles:
I caught an episode of House online today, and in it something interesting happened in relation to relationships.
Wilson and "CB" were choosing a mattress together. Each had a preference. She told him to pick whichever mattress he wanted - that either was fine with her. He choose the one that she preferred. When she realized it, she was upset. She told him that his pattern of 'just trying to get along' by doing whatever his former partners wanted rather than doing things he wanted created resentment in him and led to the demise of those relationships. She told him not to do that to her. She wanted him to use his own voice in their relationship, too.
She brings up a good point. Where is that line in relationships between genuinely being kind to your partner and doing things 'just to get along' that create resentment?
It seems to me that if you feel in any way pressured (real or imagined pressure) to do something 'just to get along', it is likely going to create a feeling of resentment in you. There is nothing wrong with an ebb and tide in a relationship where each partner gets something they want, when what they want diverges.
Like "CB", it drives me crazy when someone does the 'just trying to get along' thing with me. Just as I want a partner who will know when to 'give' to me, I also want the opportunity to 'give' to my partner. I don't want a mindless sheep who will give in to everything I want. I don't have all the answers, and I certainly don't want all of the responsibilities. I want a partner who will create a relationship and life with me - by my side.
What are YOUR thoughts about 'just trying to get along'?
Yesterday, as I finished up the book project, I had byutv online playing in the background. A great segment from the Family Expo came on, and once I got done with my work, I watched it.
This segment is about marriage, and it is packed with great information about relationships and marriage. It is approximately an hour long, so you will want to be sure you have that kind of time before you get into it.
I found these great articles online and decided to conduct a challenge with them. Worst case scenario, we might each learn a few things about ourselves and have some fun along the way.
So, to take part in this challenge the only things you have to do are the following 4 things:
1- Read all of the articles listed below. Then read them again carefully, taking note of the advice and how to implement it into your life.
2- Use the advice religiously for at least 30 days.
3-Keep a journal or log of your experiences and what you learn along the way.
First, it is something discussed in the LDS (Divorced) Singles community - not wanting a repeat of bad sexual experiences in a previous marriage. While we generally view sexual intimacy between marital partners as important, we also acknowledge it is not the most important or only aspect of a happy healthy marriage.
Second, in the article it was noted that "People choose partners who have the right resume but maybe not the entire package." (Dr Laura Berman - Sex Therapist and Relationship Expert, Chicago)
One of my favorite quotes in the article is from marriage counselor and sex therapist, Marty Klein, ""People have the assumption that you can have long-term, monogamous, hot sex. It's never been done (on a large scale) in the history of the world."
In the LDS Singles world, due to our values, it is a difficult thing for many to discuss outside of marriage without feeling like they are crossing some kind of decency or morality line. This seems to carry over into married life - people having difficulty having clear and honest discussions about sex.
My understanding and belief is that it is possible and advisable to have morally-clean discussions about sexual issues prior to marriage and prior to serious commitment (you marry who you date). I believe the topic can be openly and tactfully discussed without crossing any inappropriate lines.
How do YOU feel about discussing sexual matters prior to marriage? When do YOU feel is the right time and what do YOU feel are 'appropriate' topics to cover?
Photo by Roxana Gonzalez I was pointed to this article in LDS Living Magazine and I really enjoyed it. It is based upon a survey the writer did with LDS singles. The results, I believe, are pretty representative of the singles as a whole.
Ten things are listed, and they include items such as "No two singles are alike", "Most of us want to marry (for the first time or again), but we're not desperate to marry", "We love to serve in church callings and in other church-related volunteer capacities, but we often have less free time than others might think".
One that really stood out to me addressed the issue of the inactivity rate of LDS single/divorced/widowed men. It put some responsibility on the shoulders of the other men in the wards and stakes to help fellowship, friendship, and reactivate 'our men'.
After you read the article, please check back in here and let us all know what you think of the list. Was it on or off? What would you add or take out?
Photo by Roxanna Gonzalez There is a free relationship/dating class online from BYU - it is geared more towards youth/first time daters, but there is some great info in it:
Photo by Chance Agrella A sweet lady on another site commented that she didn't get what the big deal was about kissing - she thought it was gross.
It got me thinking about my own views on kissing and how they have changed over the years. My pre-marriage philosophy on kissing is quite different from my post-divorce views.
I think kissing being gross depends on who you are kissing and why.
I didn't date until about 8 or 9 months after my divorce was final in 2002. I think I had been divorced a year or two before I finally let a man kiss me.
In my youth, I was not quite as selective about kissing partners as I am now. I can count the number of men I have kissed since my divorce on the fingers of one hand, and I am happy about that.
Its not for everyone, but I find personal peace and joy in being selective and in treating kisses as something personal and special. I won't kiss just anyone, so anyone getting a kiss from me knows it means something and that I am genuinely interested in him.
He also will know that his lips will be the only ones exploring mine. I don't kiss more than one man in the same time period. I have to stop dating one man (the one I am smoochin') before I will kiss another one. I am a monogamous kisser.
For me, when kisses are exchanged as a means of expressing genuine interest, affection, and in monogamy - they are wonderful.
For me, anything else is kinda gross.
How do YOU feel about kissing; and in what ways, if any, has this view changed over the years?
I read this review on Meridian Magazine's website, and I can't wait to get the book. The very principles and concepts I have been discovering along my own journey, and more, appear to be addressed in this book by H. Wallace Goddard.
Part of Maurine Proctor's review reads:
It is simply the best book on marriage that I have ever read, and I will always count it as a treasure in our library.
Though having a sweet companionship in marriage seems to be a universal dream, the world is fleeing from marriage in a sad resignation that the dream is sometimes hard to execute. Realizing the awesome power of married love and moving to live in oneness with another person requires not just good psychological principles or commonsense generalities that don't tell us much (like “communicate with each other”).
No, the joy that we hope to find in our marriages comes back to understanding some core principles and true solutions found in focusing on Christ, ideas that Goddard outlines with clarity.
“We will only succeed at marriage as we use eternal gospel principles to become more of what God has invited us to become,” he affirms.
I'll write more on this (my own review) after I get it and read it. I think the concepts in this book could be helpful in dating and seeking a mate, as well, if I am understanding the review correctly.
In the meanwhile, if you have read it, please leave some input here as to your thoughts about the book and the concepts it teaches.
If you have not read it yet but plan to, what do you hope to learn from it? What questions do you hope to have answered by information contained in the book?
NOTE: Meridian Magazine offers the opportunity to order this book for $16 with shipping charges as low as $3.75 (shipped via Media Mail) through their website: http://www.ldsmag.com/order/Item.aspx?id=5
The question was posed, and what I came up with is the following:
LIVE one day at a time and one step at a time.
I allow myself to cry and grieve as long as it is getting it out of my system and helping me to heal, rather than sucking me into depression and pain.
I find things to do with my life that bring me joy.
I give myself permission to hurt, to be angry, to forgive, and to love and trust again.
I allow myself to heal at my own pace, date when I feel like it, and stay away from dating when I feel that is the right course. I know me and I know what I need. Trusting myself in this area helps me to trust myself again in other areas.
I remember the great things about him and our relationship, and look for what I can do better next time - and what I need to screen for better, next time around - not because he was/is a bad man, but because clearly I need a better match. I use the experience to grow.
I remember that it is not someone else's job to heal me, love me, or make me whole. That is my job - and if I am not healing, feeling loved, or whole, I have only myself to blame.
I remember to live, to laugh, and to love. It gets a little easier every day.
I have run into this phenomenon a few times, and I must say it is puzzling and annoying. It goes something like this:
Gentleman monopolizes conversation with ramblings about himself. Anytime I try to interject a comment or ask a question, I am talked over.
Then when he finally pauses to take a breath, he asks me, in an insistent tone, “Aren’t you going to ask me anything about myself?” (or something along those lines).
Sir, I am not your shrink. I am not being paid to listen to your self-indulgent prattle, nor am I being paid to give you more motivation to continue on in your endless diatribe.
I am a person. I am interested in conversation, which involves the free verbal exchange between two people of information, ideas, and insights. This is how singles get to know each other better – by both of them getting an opportunity to talk about themselves and ask questions about each other.
Call me when you get what the difference is.
By the way, trying to force me into some pre-made cutout of what you think I should be by dictating and directing my actions is a fast way to get an ‘adios’.
1-Numerous people have posted on an LDS Dating site I belong to various situations they were in, detailing the behaviors and ‘signals’ the other person was displaying. To these, the overwhelming consensus of other site members has been, “He/She Just Ain’t That Into You”
It should be noted that these very same behaviors and signals would also fall under the ‘playing hard to get’ and ‘keeping some mystery’ categories.
2-Numerous people have posted on that very site various situations they were in that involved the object of their affection ‘going poof’ the very moment they finally returned some interest. The overwhelming consensus of members of that site was that the poofer was a game player who was not truly interested in anything but the ‘thrill’ of ‘the chase’. Reality Check:
If you have to play games and manipulate someone to create a relationship, you don’t have much of a relationship to start with.
Only wanting someone because you don’t know for sure that they want you is not the hallmark of healthy behavior.
When you start with the game playing, how is someone supposed to know if you are ‘playing hard to get’ and ARE genuinely interested in them, or ‘playing hard to get’ because you are NOT interested in them?
When you ‘play hard to get’ how is someone supposed to know if it is part of your courting ritual or if you are only into the ‘thrill’ it offers?
As demonstrated by the differing views about 'playing hard to get' and 'keeping some mystery', there are all sorts of people in the dating pool who look for all sorts of things. Some want game players and manipulators. Some want straightforward and honest. It is a great thing as it shows there is someone for everyone. We don’t have to rewrite the core of who we are in order to find a great match.
Too bad we can’t have some kind of review where we can exchange info on others. Those who want the ‘playing hard to get’ crowd get those names and numbers from those who want the ‘straightforward and direct’ people, and vice versa.
The rest would be left to play amongst themselves. lol
As for me, well, I prefer the straight forward and direct approach. I hate games and I hate being put in the position of playing mind-reader. I hate both so much I won't do either.
A fun expression of my sentiments:
From 'Grease': You're the One That I Want by Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta
Photo by Chance Agrella Sometimes, divorced singles may encounter the ‘attitude’ whether real or imagined, that they are a burden on their ward or stake because they need help financially, emotionally, or physically (help with lawn care, help with home repairs, daycare to attend church functions, etc). Please keep in mind that it is generally difficult for anyone to ask for help; and those without partners and all of the additional burdens that the divorced face, usually do genuinely need extra help and service.
The church and the gospel promote self-sufficiency; but both also promote charity, compassion, and service. If someone genuinely needs the help, they need to be served with compassion. They are not being ‘a burden’; and serving them should be looked at as an opportunity for those serving them to receive the blessings that come with sacrifice, compassion, and service.
No one wants to be a ‘charity project’, but everyone appreciates receiving kind and compassionate service when they need it.
There is a proverb that says something to the effect of ‘if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day; but if you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime’. Many divorced singles want and need only to be taught how to do various things in order to then fend for themselves. They may not have the aptitude, tools, or skills for certain things . . . but anything they can be lovingly and patiently taught to do for themselves is a great thing.
This blog post is one in a series on Being Single. Through the run of this series, please give feedback regarding YOUR experiences with being single and LDS, or ask any questions you may have that I have not addressed.
Like what I wrote and want to buy me a cherry coke?
Photo by Roxana Gonzalez When a divorce occurs, there are many things which happen. One of the biggest ones is having to carry all of the burdens alone. If children are involved, most commonly, one parent has sole custody. That parent oftentimes does not have backup. They are on their own for all of the child rearing, discipline, and care: with no partner backing them up to or with the kids. Even worse, and just as common: the rules are different between the two homes which is confusing for the kids, and which the children will take advantage of. This makes parenting even more challenging than it already is. Just a few of the things divorced singles have to deal with, and usually more than one or two of these things are being simultaneously dealt with:
Custody and visitation issues and scheduling Parenting alone Being the sole provider for the household Going to school to update job skills Working full time, sometimes more than one job Trying to find daycare Severely stretched finances Feeling overwhelmed with all the additional responsibilities and issues Emotional issues personally and in the children
Those in leadership in wards, branches, stakes, regions, and in singles programs need to understand these things so they do not inadvertently add to the burdens already being carried.
Divorced singles absolutely need to be given opportunities to serve: they desperately need the blessings and the perspective-shift serving brings, as well as the spiritual boost that accompanies it.
However, they need compassion as to their particular circumstances, as well. They are usually overworked, financially-strapped, and without backup to help with the children. Transportation, time, expenses, and daycare are just a few of the obstacles that may be faced in the successful fulfillment of callings, and in participating in church singles activities.
This blog post is one in a series on Being Single. Through the run of this series, please give feedback regarding YOUR experiences with being single and LDS, or ask any questions you may have that I have not addressed.
Like what I wrote and want to buy me a cherry coke?
![Reblog this post [with Zemanta]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_utDh-fW8Fsbt_jgl9cfaUkck5p1Fe4sHz7JDLpRae4rBf5m7zwAVUVFCVAUwaMeIGCyGerHCg8bIGiK4PVFzvOc6-IlOxNysqqZBPi19mD63sh97KC5hQ42xLDOEP8xoqJeKU_NjwXilzszkooeMc=s0-d)
![Reblog this post [with Zemanta]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_vR-g_nPZI4S7HHw5J1PSZWeSfsiW1DWpjACN0la1Oiv9W62XrQ4VKpbg3ssOfdNiIPvcmNaKsF9mifGK_P2UO9rhktpQWdss-Ky5vMhSE59gCVmY5TobZPCbrNFRcMiHs3Odpp_eW_tcIRKr-rQ-xf=s0-d)
![Reblog this post [with Zemanta]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_v3WBr6Ln-lsd_BTDqLyuFvSxZJfYSLfI3uTYmvMT6TIuGoaLhyrON8yol24_2qrVdr8b1iHxeh3bg67jmBigZvwTEXqahQ9_4f105UFvj5XE_fGdFOdL6NX5S2eYU7MSPA0Rk4wTX9El62jk0f_80u=s0-d)
