Religious Restrictions on Singles

Image via WikipediaI think with any religion or culture there will be ongoing misunderstandings about life in it. One I have repeatedly found with being LDS is how prevalent the theory is that the church ‘controls’ its members.

I have never found the church to do anything more than other churches do – counsel and ‘preach’ if you will to their congregants to live better, do better, and be better. Many churches have become far more politically active from the pulpit than the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has. For the most part, the church explains the guidelines, repeats them as needed, and allows members to decide how closely to the letter of the law or the spirit of the law they wish to live – as well as how to ‘interpret’ the gray areas – within reason.

So, when I read this article today about Saudi Arabia’s Islamic Religious Police, I had to chuckle to myself. Then I had to share.

Saudi Arabia Bans Sale of Dogs and Cats in Capital in Effort to Keep Sexes Apart

I have never heard the church tell single members anything about conduct and intermingling other than to remain chaste until marriage and to be courteous to one another always. Oh, and that its best to not start dating until you are 16 ( advice not commandment – but great advice, by the way). In fact, our church has been making great strides in helping singles in their single life, to recognize they do ‘fit in’ in a church that is so heavily focused on ‘family’, and to help them have appropriate venues and activities for intermingling. I have been thrilled to see these changes, and hope the trend will continue.

So, back to the Saudi Arabia story – what do you find to be useful as a ‘chick’ or ‘dude’ magnet? As a ‘chick’ I have found that having a vehicle that is ‘loaded’ and has 4wd works well as a ‘dude magnet’. So does having ultra long hair. Lol.

Being Single: The Divorced Ones - Service and Self-Sufficiency

Photo by Chance Agrella
Sometimes, divorced singles may encounter the ‘attitude’ whether real or imagined, that they are a burden on their ward or stake because they need help financially, emotionally, or physically (help with lawn care, help with home repairs, daycare to attend church functions, etc). Please keep in mind that it is generally difficult for anyone to ask for help; and those without partners and all of the additional burdens that the divorced face, usually do genuinely need extra help and service.

The church and the gospel promote self-sufficiency; but both also promote charity, compassion, and service. If someone genuinely needs the help, they need to be served with compassion. They are not being ‘a burden’; and serving them should be looked at as an opportunity for those serving them to receive the blessings that come with sacrifice, compassion, and service.

No one wants to be a ‘charity project’, but everyone appreciates receiving kind and compassionate service when they need it.

There is a proverb that says something to the effect of ‘if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day; but if you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime’. Many divorced singles want and need only to be taught how to do various things in order to then fend for themselves. They may not have the aptitude, tools, or skills for certain things . . . but anything they can be lovingly and patiently taught to do for themselves is a great thing.

This blog post is one in a series on Being Single. Through the run of this series, please give feedback regarding YOUR experiences with being single and LDS, or ask any questions you may have that I have not addressed.

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Being Single: The Divorced Ones - Finding Balance

Photo by Roxana Gonzalez
When a divorce occurs, there are many things which happen. One of the biggest ones is having to carry all of the burdens alone. If children are involved, most commonly, one parent has sole custody. That parent oftentimes does not have backup. They are on their own for all of the child rearing, discipline, and care: with no partner backing them up to or with the kids. Even worse, and just as common: the rules are different between the two homes which is confusing for the kids, and which the children will take advantage of. This makes parenting even more challenging than it already is.

Just a few of the things divorced singles have to deal with, and usually more than one or two of these things are being simultaneously dealt with:

Custody and visitation issues and scheduling
Parenting alone
Being the sole provider for the household
Going to school to update job skills
Working full time, sometimes more than one job
Trying to find daycare
Severely stretched finances
Feeling overwhelmed with all the additional responsibilities and issues
Emotional issues personally and in the children

Those in leadership in wards, branches, stakes, regions, and in singles programs need to understand these things so they do not inadvertently add to the burdens already being carried.

Divorced singles absolutely need to be given opportunities to serve: they desperately need the blessings and the perspective-shift serving brings, as well as the spiritual boost that accompanies it.

However, they need compassion as to their particular circumstances, as well. They are usually overworked, financially-strapped, and without backup to help with the children. Transportation, time, expenses, and daycare are just a few of the obstacles that may be faced in the successful fulfillment of callings, and in participating in church singles activities.

This blog post is one in a series on Being Single. Through the run of this series, please give feedback regarding YOUR experiences with being single and LDS, or ask any questions you may have that I have not addressed.

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Being Single: The Divorced Ones - Matters of Intimacy

Photo by Chance Agrella
The adversary works fervently at mocking all that is sacred, and at leading as many as possible to utter destruction. Once you have been married, and have experienced physical intimacy, it is extraordinarily challenging to ‘turn off’ that faucet. As human beings, we have natural drives and urges to mate and procreate. Once we have experienced these things, it seems to, in many cases, make that drive stronger.

When you are divorced, you not only have to deal with sleeping alone at night, but also with the deprivation of that physical intimacy, and satisfaction. Add on top of that, being thrust into the dating world, and having the continual temptation to cross boundaries and have once again what was lost . . .if even for a moment.

Feeling ‘lonely’ can be one aspect of our dilemma, but it is by no means all or even most of it. A study in the early to mid 1900’s with newborn babies concluded that as humans we need touch and physical affection in order to thrive.

“Psychologists and physicians agree that human beings need affection and loving touch in their lives. We’ve all heard of the infamous study where infants who didn’t receive affection and touch failed to thrive or even died. Our culture, however, places so much value on independence and a certain rugged individualism that it serves to diminish the value of affection overall.” (1)

We are counseled as single adults that the standards in the For the Strength of Youth booklet also applies to us. Many LDS single adults scoff at that idea, making it difficult to find someone to date with shared values. Also in dating, it can be difficult to find someone to date who honestly presents their standards and lives them. This contributes to the temptation levels those who are earnestly seeking chastity in dating experience.

If you accept a date with someone who presents themselves as living a moral life, and then discover on the date, in the midst of what started as innocent, that they are pushing your boundaries; you now have to have the clarity of mind to end the encounter. For some, this is not an easy task.

It is readily accepted as fact that the number one challenge faced by LDS Singles today is the sin of immorality in all of its forms. We are being targeted in our already-weakened state. The sin second only in seriousness to murder, this is a popular means of destruction the adversary chooses. Many LDS Single Adults indulge in such immoral behaviors as ‘Friends with Benefits’ and 'NCMO’. The justifications run rampant, but church counsel against such behavior is clear:

“If we are single and dating, always treat our date with respect. Those who are dating must never treat their date as an object to be used for lustful desires. They should carefully plan positive and constructive activities so that they are not left alone without anything to do. They should stay in areas of safety where they can easily control themselves. They should not participate in conversations or activities that arouse sexual feelings, such as passionate kissing, lying with or on top of another person, or touching the private, sacred parts of another person's body, with or without clothing.” (2)

We have to decide every time we accept and go on a date where our lines will be. We can decide them in advance; but with every date, we must recommit ourselves to them, and reassess if they are high enough or not. We have to find that balance between craving physical affection and having firm boundaries which maintain our morality.

In some cases, this may mean remaining dateless for extended periods of time as we continue to weed out those who do not share our standards, or with whom we would not feel that our virtue is safe.

“In cultures where dating or courtship is acceptable, dating can help youth develop friendships and eventually find an eternal companion. Youth in the Church are taught to wait until at least age 16 to begin dating and to date only those who have high moral standards. A young man and a young woman on a date are responsible to help each other maintain their standards and to protect each other's honor and virtue.” (3)

This is just one of many challenges we face in the dating world. Things are not how they used to be 15+ years ago. Being divorced only adds to challenges singles face in dating.

SOURCES:

1- Raising Children to be Affectionate by Shari Steelsmith October 2, 2004. http://www.parentingpress.com/t_041002.html
(accessed October 15, 2007)

2- Chastity. Additional Information > Keeping the Law of Chastity. LDS.org. http://www.lds.org/portal/site/LDSOrg/menuitem.3933737ad2ff28132eb22a86942826a0/?vgnextoid=bbd508f54922d010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&index=3&sourceId=23e80bbce1d98010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____
(Accessed October 15, 2007)

3- Dating and Courtship. LDS.org. http://www.lds.org/portal/site/LDSOrg/menuitem.3933737ad2ff28132eb22a86942826a0/?vgnextoid=bbd508f54922d010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=0ddd0bbce1d98010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____
(accessed October 15, 2007)

This blog post is one in a series on Being Single. Through the run of this series, please give feedback regarding YOUR experiences with being single and LDS, or ask any questions you may have that I have not addressed.

Like what I wrote and want to buy me a cherry coke?

Being Single: The Divorced Ones -Shame and Guilt

Photo by Chance Agrella
Shame and guilt are just two of the many feelings divorced singles experience in the days, even years, following their divorce.

The gospel is heavily about eternal couples and families, so anything experienced in life which is less than that can leave a person feeling like an utter failure. Not a good feeling to have when you already may have those feelings of failure, just by virtue of having gone through a divorce.

It is common to experience a drastic drop in self-worth, and to feel utterly overwhelmed by new life circumstances which are to be dealt with alone. Most do not get married expecting to get divorced. Divorce is against all that most people believe and hope for when they first make their wedding vows.

It doesn’t help matters when outsiders, well-meaning or not, feel at liberty to commentate on our predicament. We realize, better than outsiders, what we and our children (if applicable) are going through. We need help and support and compassion: not judgment, criticism, or lecturing.

Why we got a divorce is not relevant to anyone other than us and our partner. It is good for us to understand why so we can correct it and have a better chance for a successful union down the road. Unless something happened which involves or needs to involve confession to our bishop, counseling, or law enforcement involvement, no one outside of the marital union has a ‘need’ to know the circumstances. Please respect our privacy. You don’t have to know details in order to love and compassionately serve us.

We just need to know that we have value and worth: that we are needed and loved. More on that will be covered in a future blog.

Making sure we know you are available WHEN we need you, is one of the best things you can do. Hugs, babysitting (when applicable), a lunch date, mowing the lawn for us, are all great examples of ways to compassionately serve us.

This blog post is one in a series on Being Single. Through the run of this series, please give feedback regarding YOUR experiences with being single and LDS, or ask any questions you may have that I have not addressed.

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Being Single: A Series Begins

Photo by Chance Agrella
I was called as a single's rep a few months back, and serving in this calling has been very enlightening and educational for me . . .and for the married couples also involved in the program.

Our singles program started with all married couples running it. They are all age 50+. All, to my knowledge, have never been widowed or divorced. One confided in me that she 'married late' (I think she said age 28).

One of the women has been inviting a married sister to attend the singles activities because she feels this woman is 'lonely'. Her husband is away for work a lot. He expressed some discomfort with this idea.

Today, after the singles social there was a ton of extra food. We decided to run out plates to those who were unable to come, shut-ins, etc. One sister was asked if she needed us to make up some plates to take to anyone on her 'route'. She remarked that none of them were shut-ins and if they chose not to be here she was not going to take food to them.

I took food to those on my route. I felt really badly when I did so as one sister clean forgot about the social, and would have gone if she had remembered. I should have called and reminded everyone. I slacked off in my duty. I won't make that mistake again.

What I think a lot of people don't get is that 1/3 of this church is made up of the singles in it; and we have needs, concerns, and challenges which married people do not. We need help, encouragement, and compassion: not judgment and criticism. We need to feel cared about: not alienated.

I am going to start a series in this blog on the topic of being single and LDS, in an effort to help others understand what it is like; and maybe be better able to compassionately serve the singles in their wards, branches, and stakes.

In our little town, there are over 300 singles (ages 18+) just in my stake alone. Of those, exactly half (according to one of the counselors in the Stake Presidency whom I spoke with who performed the research) are completely inactive. We have to do something. We have to reach out more effectively. Can it be any more clear that the singles are in need, NOW?

Through the run of this series, please give feedback regarding YOUR experiences with being single and LDS, or ask any questions you may have that I have not addressed.


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FHE Ideas for the Family, Dates, Groups, Etc

Photo by Chance Agrella
As the self-titled Queen of Shortcut FHE Planning, I have found some great resources for quickly planning fun and interesting FHE lessons. I have shared a few of them below for your use. These are great for using with your own family, on dates, in groups, or whatever. Happy Planning!

Various Family Home Evening (FHE) Resources
Wanna do the Standing for Something FHE Lessons (based upon the book by Pres. Hinckley)? They are kid-friendly, all planned out, and can be found HERE

How about lessons based on the Family Proclamation? Click HERE for those.

or a set of 30 Fast and Easy FHE lessons may be found HERE

President Hinckley's 6 BE's FHE lessons HERE

A year of Primary Manual FHE lessons HERE

A year of SIMPLE Family Nights
HERE

Be Prepared FHE Lessons HERE

a huge list of teen oriented FHE lessons can be found HERE

A list of adult oriented FHE lessons can be found HERE


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Celestial Dating

As my dating experiences have grown, and as I have been observing more and more relationships around me that work. . .and don't, I have been refining the process by which I choose who to date and who to continue to invest time in.

Sometimes, it feels to the tender part of me, to be a heartless, cutthroat process. But, the intellectual side of me realizes it is a very necessary process if I truly want a celestial union/a relationship that is for eternity.

No one is perfect, but there are basic traits and qualities which are pre-requisites for attaining Celestial status. . .and having a truly eternal union. These are the things for which I screen. Many can be discerned before even going on a first date, but some generally aren't revealed until at least one date has occurred.

One of the most important factors for me to discern is the person's "staying power". This means I look at their track record for trying to make things work out and their commitment to making things work out. Are they quick to 'next' people? Are they quick to jump to conclusions and judge? Do they try to understand me and fix things in themselves which clash in our relationship. . .or do they expect me to cater to them? Do they seek to talk, listen, and openly communicate or do they cut and run at the first difficulty? Do they understand that working things out and making changes to benefit a relationship are all part of a healthy lasting relationship, or are they seeking some cardboard cutout who meets all their demands and fits their every wish on their list?

Another factor I find important to look at is their forgiveness quotient. Are they forgiving or do they hold grudges? Do they blame others for things or do they take responsibility for their own contributions: and then do something about it? How do they talk about and relate to their former spouse/date/girlfriend? How do they handle it when their kids make mistakes? Are they a doormat who just quietly puts up with stuff then explodes or lashes out later? Do they continually seek win/win situations or are they out for what will benefit them: not caring if anyone else benefits. . .or even worse, not being happy unless they are the only one who benefits?What do they do when they don't get their way or someone won't do what they want them to? Whining, manipulation, pouting, tantrums, threats, etc are deal-breakers to me.

Another thing I look for is how they treat others. Do they leave good tips? Do they run 'the help' ragged? Are they grateful and appreciative of what others do for them or do they act like it is expected that others serve them? Do they say 'Thank you', 'Please' and 'I'm Sorry', or do those words seem to be unknown to them? Do they actively show concern for me, my boundaries, my rights, my feelings, my overall welfare, and my safety?

I recently discovered there is a pattern amongst couples who have happy unions. . .which also was present in both relationships in my life where I was truly in love. In every case, once they began dating each other, the interest was mutually strong and clearly shown. Both treated each other with affection, concern, and made time for one another: from the start. Both gave one another a lot of time and attention, and never gave each other a reason to doubt, feel insecure, or to be suspicious.

So, if I go out with someone and their interest seems to then be only lukewarm or to decline at all, I walk. Lukewarm interest is not a hallmark of a lasting relationship, and frankly, isn't worth my time to pursue. Interestingly, I read this same 'advice' in a dating column a few days ago. . . a few days after I had my 'a-ha' moment. I deserve to be with and want to be with someone who is crazy about me: someone who recognizes and appreciates my worth. Nothing less will do. That is how it should be, and is what I have found to be present in every relationship that works. Why waste time trying to prove myself or convince someone I am worth their time? Chuh! My time is far too precious for that.

And what, you may ask, is the difference between that and being quick to 'next' someone? The difference, my friend, is that when one is quick to 'next' someone it is usually over something like not having all the facts and due to jumping to conclusions. It is usually motivated by selfishness: not practicality. For instance, I know some who will 'next' someone the first time they don't follow through exactly as specified. People are human and life happens. There can be many legitimate reasons why someone would be unable to keep any particular commitment. To not find out the facts first, or to make assumptions based upon what one thinks they see is not a Celestial behavior pattern. Recognizing that someone is 'just not that into you' and moving on to someone who is, shows clear thinking based in reality and reason. . . which is a Celestial behavior pattern. That is the difference.

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