What LDS Singles Want Others in the Ward to Know

Photo by Roxana Gonzalez
I was pointed to this article in LDS Living Magazine and I really enjoyed it. It is based upon a survey the writer did with LDS singles. The results, I believe, are pretty representative of the singles as a whole.

Ten things are listed, and they include items such as "No two singles are alike", "Most of us want to marry (for the first time or again), but we're not desperate to marry", "We love to serve in church callings and in other church-related volunteer capacities, but we often have less free time than others might think".

One that really stood out to me addressed the issue of the inactivity rate of LDS single/divorced/widowed men. It put some responsibility on the shoulders of the other men in the wards and stakes to help fellowship, friendship, and reactivate 'our men'.

Here is a link to the article:
What the Singles in the Ward Want the Rest of Us to Know by Debra Sansing Woods.

After you read the article, please check back in here and let us all know what you think of the list. Was it on or off? What would you add or take out?


SOURCE:

What the Singles in the Ward Want the Rest of Us to Know. Debra Sansing Woods. December 28, 2007. LDS Living Magazine (online)
(Accessed December 29, 2007)

Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage

I read this review on Meridian Magazine's website, and I can't wait to get the book. The very principles and concepts I have been discovering along my own journey, and more, appear to be addressed in this book by H. Wallace Goddard.

Part of Maurine Proctor's review reads:

It is simply the best book on marriage that I have ever read, and I will always count it as a treasure in our library.

Though having a sweet companionship in marriage seems to be a universal dream, the world is fleeing from marriage in a sad resignation that the dream is sometimes hard to execute. Realizing the awesome power of married love and moving to live in oneness with another person requires not just good psychological principles or commonsense generalities that don't tell us much (like “communicate with each other”).

No, the joy that we hope to find in our marriages comes back to understanding some core principles and true solutions found in focusing on Christ, ideas that Goddard outlines with clarity.

“We will only succeed at marriage as we use eternal gospel principles to become more of what God has invited us to become,” he affirms.

I'll write more on this (my own review) after I get it and read it. I think the concepts in this book could be helpful in dating and seeking a mate, as well, if I am understanding the review correctly.

In the meanwhile, if you have read it, please leave some input here as to your thoughts about the book and the concepts it teaches.

If you have not read it yet but plan to, what do you hope to learn from it? What questions do you hope to have answered by information contained in the book?

NOTE: Meridian Magazine offers the opportunity to order this book for $16 with shipping charges as low as $3.75 (shipped via Media Mail) through their website: http://www.ldsmag.com/order/Item.aspx?id=5

Communication and Selflessness: The Heart of A Happy Eternal Union

Photo by Roxana Gonzalez
A friend and I were discussing what makes a happy eternal union: and what partnership qualities are. We boiled it down to two things: communication and selflessness. I think both are absolutely necessary, and have equal importance. Without either, you have the makings of a divorce.

What is Communication?
The technical definition of communication is:

1. The act of communicating; transmission.
2. a. The exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, writing, or behavior.
b. Interpersonal rapport.
c. The art and technique of using words effectively to impart information or ideas.

I really like the one which states that communication is 'the art and technique of using words effectively to impart information or ideas' (italics added for emphasis.

When it comes to human relationships, being effective in communication can be a tricky thing. Not only do we need to be sure we are saying what we mean, and meaning what we say, but we also have to ensure we are communicating in a way in which the recipient can clearly understand us and what we truly mean. Sometimes we are like the person speaking in Greek to the person who only understands French; or the person speaking on a PhD level to the person who only comprehends on a 2nd Grade level.

As the presenter of the information, we have a responsibility to ensure we are speaking in a way the recipient clearly understands.

As a recipient of information, our responsibility is similar. We need to be sure we are really listening rather than putting our own filters on what is being said. We need to hear the speaker, and not get lost in our own internal voice critiquing and answering the information which is being relayed, as it is being relayed. We also need to ask questions, using techniques such as paraphrasing and parroting to open the door for the speaker to clarify anything we have not understood.

Parroting is the act of repeating back, like a parrot, verbatim what you have heard. It shows you were carefully listening, however it doesn't illustrate what was heard was understood.

Paraphrasing is the technique of putting what the speaker said into your own words, and then repeating it back to them. This not only indicates that you carefully listened, but it also can highlight what was understood and what was not. This gives the speaker an opportunity to clear up any misunderstandings.

Simple acknowledgments ('yeah', 'ok', 'uh huh') have their time and place, but are not enough in the full scope of effective communications. It is not enough to hear the words being spoken. We must hear and understand the meaning of the speaker which lies beneath the vocabulary.

Another critical aspect of effective communication is that of openness and honesty. For us to achieve a happy and eternal union, we must not only be open and honest with each other, but we must first and foremost be open and honest with ourselves. We cannot be honest with others if we are deceiving ourselves. If we are deceiving ourselves, we are building our relationship upon a foundation of sand, and it will eventually come crashing down around us.

Open, honest, and effective communication is the foundation of trust, and virtually eliminates all opportunities for the spirit of contention to enter into our union.


What is Selflessness?

Technically, selflessness is defined as:

1. the quality of unselfish concern for the welfare of others [syn: altruism] [ant: egocentrism]
2. acting with less concern for yourself than for the success of the joint activity

Selflessness is a crucial aspect of genuine love, and of creating a happy eternal union. When we put our partner's welfare and best interest first: ahead of what we want and need, we have won half the battle. If our partner also is doing the same, what do we have to contend about or worry about?

When we selflessly love our partner it is reflected in our words and actions to them and away from them. Our own happiness is rooted in theirs. We seek to find ways to serve them, give to them, sacrifice for them, meet their needs, love them, care for them, and protect them.

Our thoughts and heart is centered in their needs and welfare. If they fail to meet a need of ours, our thoughts do not focus on this, and then go to what we are going to withhold from them because of it. Selflessly loving our partner is only selfless when it is also without condition. When conditions are placed upon it, selfishness is rearing its ugly head.

SOURCES:

communication. Dictionary.com. The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/communication (accessed: October 07, 2007).

selflessness. Dictionary.com. WordNet® 3.0. Princeton University. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/selflessness (accessed: October 07, 2007).


Like what I wrote and want to buy me a cherry coke?

Introversion, Extroversion, Personality Assessments, Love, and Apologies

Photo by Chance Agrella
I am an introvert. Totally. Most people are genuinely surprised by this, and utter something to the effect of, "you don't seem shy".

A friend posted a link to this amazing short article on another site, and it truly sums up introverts. It explains me almost to a 'T'. It also explains that shyness and introversion are two different things.

Something else which explains me, and introversion, is also referred to in the article: the Myers-Briggs personality assessment.

According to the assessment, I am an INFJ. The 'I' is for 'Introverted'. One part of the explanation about the introversion of INFJs reads, "INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts..."

Another interesting part of the article was its reference to 'giftedness' and introverts, "a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population."

I am a firm believer in using good personality assessments and other tools to help understand the person you are involved with, and yourself; in the interest of developing the insight, tools, and skills needed to create and improve upon a beautiful and lasting relationship. I think there is great validity and usefulness with the Myers-Briggs assessment.

Understanding my own personality assessment helps me to better understand my own inherent strengths and weaknesses, and also to explain them to others. If I know the assessment of another, I can read up on what that means, and then better understand how best to relate to that person, and what things I need to learn to be more understanding or tolerant of.

I also subscribe to the principles of Dr. Gary Chapman's Love Languages and Apology Languages. A 30-Second (or less) assessment for BOTH is available online HERE.

I have found a tremendous benefit to understanding the love languages of others as it allows me to have the ability to give them my love and affection in the way in which they feel it and understand it. It is important also to understand that within each love language there are a plethora of 'dialects', so it is crucial that you also discern the dialect of the person, as well. Some free 'tools' regarding love languages may be downloaded HERE, and specific focus on the love languages and how it relates to couples may be further investigated HERE.

Apology languages are just as important to know, as in every relationship there will always be times when we will need to make amends. Knowing what the other person needs so they can feel our remorse is a good thing. It makes the apology process simpler and far more effective.

So, what personality assessments do you like, and how have they helped or hurt you and your relationships?



Like what I wrote and want to buy me a cherry coke?

Roles and Responsibilities

Photo by Lynn Davis

One of the sites I gig search on also has a blog about freelance writing. The latest post was about freelance writers not being understood or taken seriously. While it has been encouraging to see I am not alone in this struggle, something really disheartening happened, too.

Married woman after married woman is not getting support from her husband. They are getting grief about dinner not being on the table and the house not being spotless: but the men are NOT pitching in, they are NOT doing anything once THEIR job is done, and they tell their wives they can't quit their writing jobs because the income is needed.

These women are hurt, frustrated, and feel like they are being treated unfairly. I have to say I agree with them, and this very issue of roles and responsibilities is one I hit a wall about in dating time and time again.

Many men don't get 'what I do' all day and think 'cos I am home all day (WORKING, AHEM) that there is no reason why I could ever possibly get behind on anything around the house, or not have time to make 3-5 course meals daily.

Guess what? With all that is involved in running my own writing and consulting business, plus doing the actual work itself, including meeting deadlines and dealing with editors and rewrites; I put in more time working than most people. Just because my location is my home office, it doesn't mean I am not working, or can just drop everything to do other stuff: I mean seriously. . .can others do that from their office? Just stop in the middle of work and say, "well, time to put a pot roast in the oven, pick up the dry cleaning, and have some playtime with my kid. See ya later!" ? I think not. So why is it so hard to see that the same thing applies here?

Yes, if I do it right, when I can take a break, I can put something in the crockpot or play online for a few minutes. However, for the most part, I get so 'in the groove' when I am writing and have so much stuff I have to accomplish each day, that I cannot be distracted and I block out everything else. .. including the need to eat, dress for the day, etc.

Regardless of the location, work is work and sometimes I honestly don't think I will ever find a man who will 'get that' and be supportive of this if I need to work when we marry.

This brings up another disheartening issue I run into: the men who, having been burned, now believe they no longer need to be the provider for the family. They are seeking a 'legal-sex roomie' to split the bills with. They have no desire to make sure they can adequately provide for the family unit, and expect the woman to work a full-time job. Most of them also expect her to still do all those 'wife and mother' things as well like take care of the kids, cook, clean, run errands, etc.

That is so contrary to what we know to be true in the Gospel and so wrong on so many levels. . .and yet it is commonplace in the world of aged 30+ singles. This brings me to one more reason why I am thinking more and more that an eternal union created in this life on Earth just ain't in the cards for me.

That's ok. It isn't what I planned for my life, by any means. .. and it does create an ache in my heart over the potential that is lost. I have so much love and support and . . .well, I have so much to give. . .so much that I want and need to give that the reality of my life here being alone is a bit discouraging.

But, more than anything I know I am loved and that somehow someway it will all be made right. . so onward I trudge, hoping that I can show grace under fire, and return home to the loving arms of our Father in Heaven with honor.


Like what I wrote and want to buy me a cherry coke?