How do YOU Get Over a Breakup?

The question was posed, and what I came up with is the following:

LIVE
one day at a time and one step at a time.

I allow myself to cry and grieve as long as it is getting it out of my system and helping me to heal, rather than sucking me into depression and pain.

I find things to do with my life that bring me joy.

I give myself permission to hurt, to be angry, to forgive, and to love and trust again.

I allow myself to heal at my own pace, date when I feel like it, and stay away from dating when I feel that is the right course. I know me and I know what I need. Trusting myself in this area helps me to trust myself again in other areas.

I remember the great things about him and our relationship, and look for what I can do better next time - and what I need to screen for better, next time around - not because he was/is a bad man, but because clearly I need a better match. I use the experience to grow.

I remember that it is not someone else's job to heal me, love me, or make me whole. That is my job - and if I am not healing, feeling loved, or whole, I have only myself to blame.

I remember to live, to laugh, and to love. It gets a little easier every day.

A song about saying goodbye:

video from YouTube user CloudShin

So, what do YOU do to get over a breakup?

Doing the Right Thing

Photo by Lynn Davis
I once dated someone who was a fabulous guy in many ways. He also had some serious 'issues' that needed to be addressed. His family intervened at the same time I had made some discoveries about certain things that were going on.

I stopped seeing him months ago, but he has continued to try to be a part of my life. The good things between us were amazing. But his baggage is overwhelming. It could be dealt with and brought to a tolerable level - if he made the choice to do so. But, he wants to have his cake and eat it, too, and I am nobody's 'cake'.

Earlier today (Friday) he called, but didn't leave a message. It's been a while since he last tried to get into my life, and I thought perhaps he was finally over it. Apparently not.

He is a total extrovert, and extroverts need to be around others to feel alive. He takes it to the extreme of being unwilling to let anyone - including his former wives and girlfriends, out of his world. I have no problem being friends with men I used to date. I am still on friendly terms with most of them, and good friends with a few of them.

Sometimes, though, it is appropriate to let go. It doesn't have to be ugly or hateful - but the relationship does need to be severed, for whatever reason. This is one of those cases, and despite telling him that previously, he still persists in his attempts to keep me as part of his life. His behavior and choices are simply too toxic for that to be a good idea.

So, now I am in the position of having to decide which unpleasant option I am going to utilize to deliver the killing blow to the continuing contact. I know whatever I do will hurt him, but I also know it must be done. I am not the type to intentionally hurt anyone, but I am also not the type to allow this kind of thing to go on.

So, tonight I cry for what I know I must do - for having to hurt someone in order to 'do the right thing'. Just because something is the right thing to do doesn't mean it is the easy or pleasant thing to do.

The Goodbye Letter for Those Who Can't Say it Themselves

To The Person I Have Been Dating:

I have sent you this link because there is something I wanted to say to you, but I didn't know how. I have enjoyed getting to know you and spending the time with you that I have. But, it has become clear to me that this just isn't working anymore. It isn't what I am looking for.

It pains me to say this because I would never want to hurt you. But, I know putting this off will only hurt you more, and that is something I could never do to you.

Please forgive me for not being able to say this myself, or in person. I know you deserve that much, but I am just too weak and poor with words to be able to say what needed to be said in the dignified and kind way you deserve. (Ok, I'll admit it: I am a coward.)

I am really sorry.

I wish you the best in all you do, and in your search for a right match. I know you will find the rich happiness and deep lasting love you so very much deserve.

Sincerely,

The Person Who Sent You This Link





*This letter has been provided courtesy of "Dani, the Dating Diva" who did so in an effort to encourage people to say their goodbyes promptly and to not go 'poof'; but does add that goodbyes really should be said in person.


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Saying 'Goodbye' Pt 2: Procrastination is Cruel

So the friend who convinced me to write the previous 'goodbye' post and I were talking about it, and guess what? I missed a very important issue in my post. So, here it is:

When you procrastinate saying 'Goodbye' you are being horrendously cruel.

Think about it. While you are hemming and hawing and putting it off, what is the other person doing? They are building their hopes up on there being a relationship with you. They are letting their walls down, and allowing some feelings to develop for you.

They are becoming more susceptible to a deeper hurt. . . all because YOU are putting off doing something you should have done the moment you realized it: been honest with them.

Is this really the character you want to establish for yourself? Is this who you are or want to be: someone who is this insensitive and cruel? Of course not.

TELL THEM GOODBYE.

No more excuses, no more justifications and rationalizations. No more putting it off.

Do the right thing and spare them any further and deeper heartbreak.

Again, breakups are not a big deal unless you make it one. Breakups are all just part and parcel of the dating process and if handled maturely and with kindness, there is no reason why both parties can't say goodbye on good terms and move forward seamlessly.

There will always be some 'goodbyes' which are more disappointing than the others. But, that, too, is part of the process. All of it is leading up to the awesome and amazing relationship ahead: the one we will one day be in and looking back upon all the breakups wonder why we allowed ourselves to get so shook up over them.

And, again, if you are the recipient of the 'goodbye', take it in stride. Be grateful you found out sooner rather than later; and that they had the class, kindness, and maturity to tell you rather than go 'poof' on you. Realize this is bringing you one more step closer to the person you really want to be with who really wants to be with you, and revel in that.

It's all about the attitude, babes.


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How to Say 'Goodbye': By Request

To the friend who has requested I write this particular blog: "BITEME" and "Pfffffftttttt" are the two things that have popped into my mind as I ponder how to address this most delicate subject. Clearly you have more faith in my ability to show a modicum of diplomacy and tact than I do.

*SIGH*

Well, here goes nothing.

In dating, until you find the person you want to spend all of eternity with, whom also wants to spend all of eternity with YOU, there will always be someone who has to say, "Goodbye".

It's not fun, it's not easy, and let's face it: it just plain stinks (yeah, notice I didn't say "sucks"? I did that just for YOU, buddy. . .pffffft)

The most important thing here is that you DO say, "Goodbye". No being a slimy coward and either hoping they 'get the hint' by your evasive non-committal behavior while you string them along or leaving them wondering because you went 'poof'. (Yeah, buddy, that was for you, too. . .rofl)

"Yet each man kills the thing he loves,
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!"

The Ballad of Reading Gaol, by Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)


In other words; say it firmly, clearly, and with finality.


Something that has worked really well for me, when the men involved actually had the huevos to follow through, was an upfront agreement between the two of us to let the other know the moment we felt it was no longer working for us. With that upfront agreement in place, it was so much easier and painless to say it wasn't working. It seemed that with that agreement there also came an attitude of it not being a big deal if it wasn't working and we needed to part ways. That took so much pressure off us. It made it a painless parting of ways. Seriously.

So, whether there is an arrangement in advance or not, just how do you tell the person you are dating that you are no longer interested?

Well, first off, there are a few things NEVER to say.

"It isn't you, it's me" and "Let's be friends" (or something of that nature) are two of them. Those lines are overused, cliche, vague, borderline insulting, and lame.

When it comes to saying the farewells, it is actually a kindness to say it clearly and be done with it. There is nothing kind about dropping vague hints, going poof, or stringing someone along. Those behaviors are cowardly, immature, selfish, and cruel. Is that who you are? No? Then be a grown up and show some kindness and respect for the feelings and needs of the other person and tell them what is on your mind. Seriously.

How you say your adios may be colored by your particular situation, but some good basic lines are:

"I'm really sorry, but this isn't working for me any longer, and we need to end this."
"I promised you I would let you know if this stopped being a good thing for me. That time has come, and I am really sorry."

Consider this, as well: if you cannot show a simple courtesy to someone you are dating; if you cannot consider the feelings and needs of the person you are dating; if you cannot put being kind to someone else ahead of being a chicken (doing for yourself); if you cannot formulate simple words such as, "I am sorry but this is no longer working for me." what on earth makes you think you are even remotely ready for a relationship or marriage to begin with? In a marriage there are a lot more difficult things you will have to discuss over the years, and you absolutely have to always put the needs and feelings of someone else ahead of your own.

Having said that, there is some final gender-based advice I must leave you with.

Gentlemen, it is of the utmost importance that you make your goodbye final, firm, and clear for a reason aside from the one stated above. We ladies have a tendency to read hope into situations where we can find even the most minute shred of an opening. We also have this sick inborn need to 'fix' people, so whatever you do, do NOT make it sound like you or the situation is something which can be 'fixed'.

Ladies, if the man finds the courage to say, 'buh-bye' to you, for Pete's sake, tell him 'thank you', count your lucky stars, and move on. Spare him and yourself the waterworks, hysterics, and drama. He isn't for you. No, he really isn't. . .he just told you so. Move on. No looking back allowed.

Breakups are not the end of the world. If you think about it, they really are just the beginning of the great and permanent relationship that is out there ahead of you. You may have to go through many 'goodbyes' until you get to the 'I Do's, but so what? The only thing that matters is what you do with your experiences to make yourself the best partner you can be for the wonderful person out there looking for you.


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