LDS Toolbar and Social Networking

I have been writing a lot of how-tos about Firefox as of late, and because of that I was ‘playing’ on the Firefox addon site. As my eyes grew larger than my hard drive due to all the fun, helpful, and amazing downloads available for FF3 and prior builds, I stopped short when I saw the name, “LDS Toolbar Extension”.

I, of course, downloaded the free extension, and it is marvelous! It gives you buttons for quick access to many wonderful LDS sites. It comes with a search feature, and allows you to contact the creator in order to suggest sites that are not already listed. One section in the LDS Websites button’s drop down menu allows you to see all the newly added sites.

Guess what else? The toolbar is configured so newly accepted sites can be automatically added to the toolbar without having to wait for the new version to come out! Yay! In addition, there is a section for ‘messages’ from the creator giving users updates, including Home/Visiting Teaching reminders.

Get Yours HERE:





While I was ‘playing’ with the toolbar I found a really fun link for those who love social networking (singles and marrieds): MyMormonSpace. It is currently switching to a newer format, so most of the members are still on the old version. However, soon they will be moved over to the new one. Why not sign up now at the new version and be there ready and waiting to greet them?

I plan on setting up a profile on MyMormonSpace, so if you happen to see me there, be sure to add me as a friend!

By the way, its always a plus to have a job that pays you to ‘play’ as part of your research.

Happy Toolbar use and Social Networking!

~Dani

MyMormonSpace

LDS Toolbar Extension 1.40 (Firefox)

Sexual Incompatibility

I read this article on CNN about sexual incompatibility creating conflict in marriages. I found it interesting for several reasons.

First, it is something discussed in the LDS (Divorced) Singles community - not wanting a repeat of bad sexual experiences in a previous marriage. While we generally view sexual intimacy between marital partners as important, we also acknowledge it is not the most important or only aspect of a happy healthy marriage.

Second, in the article it was noted that "People choose partners who have the right resume but maybe not the entire package." (Dr Laura Berman - Sex Therapist and Relationship Expert, Chicago)

One of my favorite quotes in the article is from marriage counselor and sex therapist, Marty Klein, ""People have the assumption that you can have long-term, monogamous, hot sex. It's never been done (on a large scale) in the history of the world."

In the LDS Singles world, due to our values, it is a difficult thing for many to discuss outside of marriage without feeling like they are crossing some kind of decency or morality line. This seems to carry over into married life - people having difficulty having clear and honest discussions about sex.

My understanding and belief is that it is possible and advisable to have morally-clean discussions about sexual issues prior to marriage and prior to serious commitment (you marry who you date). I believe the topic can be openly and tactfully discussed without crossing any inappropriate lines.

How do YOU feel about discussing sexual matters prior to marriage? When do YOU feel is the right time and what do YOU feel are 'appropriate' topics to cover?

Beloved Prophet, Seer, Revelator: President Gordon B. Hinckley Has Died

at about 7pm mountain time in his home on Sunday, January 27, 2008. His family was there with him in his final moments. The cause is listed as due to age. He was 97 years old.

The 15th president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, he was most commonly associated with the tremendous surge in the building of temples, during his leadership.

Over the coming days, more info will be released and updated, and I will continue to update here.

At some point in the next couple of weeks I will leave my hiatus and return to regular blogging. In the meanwhile, the updates about President Hinckley will probably be all I will be posting.

Brief Bio of President Hinckley on the LDS.ORG website Here

Various references to Pres Hinckley on LDS.ORG may be found HERE.

UPDATES:

January 27, 2008
A beautiful pictorial of President Hinckley

BYU Broadcasting Bio/Tribute with links to talks by President Hinckley (Talks in audio and video format)

January 28, 2008

The only mention I found on a 'front page' online thus far today of his passing - this short article explains the process of how he will be replaced, plus includes a short video regarding President Hinckley's death, which auto-starts.

Cane-Wave Tribute to President Hinckley - Join in!

Teens pay tribute to President Hinckley

What LDS Singles Want Others in the Ward to Know

Photo by Roxana Gonzalez
I was pointed to this article in LDS Living Magazine and I really enjoyed it. It is based upon a survey the writer did with LDS singles. The results, I believe, are pretty representative of the singles as a whole.

Ten things are listed, and they include items such as "No two singles are alike", "Most of us want to marry (for the first time or again), but we're not desperate to marry", "We love to serve in church callings and in other church-related volunteer capacities, but we often have less free time than others might think".

One that really stood out to me addressed the issue of the inactivity rate of LDS single/divorced/widowed men. It put some responsibility on the shoulders of the other men in the wards and stakes to help fellowship, friendship, and reactivate 'our men'.

Here is a link to the article:
What the Singles in the Ward Want the Rest of Us to Know by Debra Sansing Woods.

After you read the article, please check back in here and let us all know what you think of the list. Was it on or off? What would you add or take out?


SOURCE:

What the Singles in the Ward Want the Rest of Us to Know. Debra Sansing Woods. December 28, 2007. LDS Living Magazine (online)
(Accessed December 29, 2007)

LDS Single Adult Resources

Photo by Roxanna Gonzalez
There is a free relationship/dating class online from BYU - it is geared more towards youth/first time daters, but there is some great info in it:

BYU Online - Dating: Romance and Reason

Here is the full list of FREE BYU ONLINE COURSES

The church (LDS Family Services) offers relationship classes for free, and I think there is a manual for it that is available for about $3.

The church website lists some great info for single adults as well as info on how to contact the closest office to find out about the classes:

LDS Family Services - For Single Adults

A listing of various singles dating sites, and resources for singles activities/leaders is at the LDS Section of About.Com

Utah LDS Singles Hotline: 1-800-537-6726

Singles Activities Websites (Utah):
www.singles31.com
www.utahsingles31.com

Please add any other free or low-cost LDS Adult Singles resources YOU know about.

Thank you!

Playing Hard to Get: Points to Ponder

1-Numerous people have posted on an LDS Dating site I belong to various situations they were in, detailing the behaviors and ‘signals’ the other person was displaying. To these, the overwhelming consensus of other site members has been, “He/She Just Ain’t That Into You”

It should be noted that these very same behaviors and signals would also fall under the ‘playing hard to get’ and ‘keeping some mystery’ categories.

2-Numerous people have posted on that very site various situations they were in that involved the object of their affection ‘going poof’ the very moment they finally returned some interest. The overwhelming consensus of members of that site was that the poofer was a game player who was not truly interested in anything but the ‘thrill’ of ‘the chase’.

Reality Check:

If you have to play games and manipulate someone to create a relationship, you don’t have much of a relationship to start with.

Only wanting someone because you don’t know for sure that they want you is not the hallmark of healthy behavior.

When you start with the game playing, how is someone supposed to know if you are ‘playing hard to get’ and ARE genuinely interested in them, or ‘playing hard to get’ because you are NOT interested in them?

When you ‘play hard to get’ how is someone supposed to know if it is part of your courting ritual or if you are only into the ‘thrill’ it offers?

As demonstrated by the differing views about 'playing hard to get' and 'keeping some mystery', there are all sorts of people in the dating pool who look for all sorts of things. Some want game players and manipulators. Some want straightforward and honest. It is a great thing as it shows there is someone for everyone. We don’t have to rewrite the core of who we are in order to find a great match.

Too bad we can’t have some kind of review where we can exchange info on others. Those who want the ‘playing hard to get’ crowd get those names and numbers from those who want the ‘straightforward and direct’ people, and vice versa.

The rest would be left to play amongst themselves. lol

As for me, well, I prefer the straight forward and direct approach. I hate games and I hate being put in the position of playing mind-reader. I hate both so much I won't do either.

A fun expression of my sentiments:

From 'Grease': You're the One That I Want by Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta

video from YouTube user katiedaily

Being Single: The Divorced Ones - Service and Self-Sufficiency

Photo by Chance Agrella
Sometimes, divorced singles may encounter the ‘attitude’ whether real or imagined, that they are a burden on their ward or stake because they need help financially, emotionally, or physically (help with lawn care, help with home repairs, daycare to attend church functions, etc). Please keep in mind that it is generally difficult for anyone to ask for help; and those without partners and all of the additional burdens that the divorced face, usually do genuinely need extra help and service.

The church and the gospel promote self-sufficiency; but both also promote charity, compassion, and service. If someone genuinely needs the help, they need to be served with compassion. They are not being ‘a burden’; and serving them should be looked at as an opportunity for those serving them to receive the blessings that come with sacrifice, compassion, and service.

No one wants to be a ‘charity project’, but everyone appreciates receiving kind and compassionate service when they need it.

There is a proverb that says something to the effect of ‘if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day; but if you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime’. Many divorced singles want and need only to be taught how to do various things in order to then fend for themselves. They may not have the aptitude, tools, or skills for certain things . . . but anything they can be lovingly and patiently taught to do for themselves is a great thing.

This blog post is one in a series on Being Single. Through the run of this series, please give feedback regarding YOUR experiences with being single and LDS, or ask any questions you may have that I have not addressed.

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Being Single: The Divorced Ones - Finding Balance

Photo by Roxana Gonzalez
When a divorce occurs, there are many things which happen. One of the biggest ones is having to carry all of the burdens alone. If children are involved, most commonly, one parent has sole custody. That parent oftentimes does not have backup. They are on their own for all of the child rearing, discipline, and care: with no partner backing them up to or with the kids. Even worse, and just as common: the rules are different between the two homes which is confusing for the kids, and which the children will take advantage of. This makes parenting even more challenging than it already is.

Just a few of the things divorced singles have to deal with, and usually more than one or two of these things are being simultaneously dealt with:

Custody and visitation issues and scheduling
Parenting alone
Being the sole provider for the household
Going to school to update job skills
Working full time, sometimes more than one job
Trying to find daycare
Severely stretched finances
Feeling overwhelmed with all the additional responsibilities and issues
Emotional issues personally and in the children

Those in leadership in wards, branches, stakes, regions, and in singles programs need to understand these things so they do not inadvertently add to the burdens already being carried.

Divorced singles absolutely need to be given opportunities to serve: they desperately need the blessings and the perspective-shift serving brings, as well as the spiritual boost that accompanies it.

However, they need compassion as to their particular circumstances, as well. They are usually overworked, financially-strapped, and without backup to help with the children. Transportation, time, expenses, and daycare are just a few of the obstacles that may be faced in the successful fulfillment of callings, and in participating in church singles activities.

This blog post is one in a series on Being Single. Through the run of this series, please give feedback regarding YOUR experiences with being single and LDS, or ask any questions you may have that I have not addressed.

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Being Single: The Divorced Ones - Matters of Intimacy

Photo by Chance Agrella
The adversary works fervently at mocking all that is sacred, and at leading as many as possible to utter destruction. Once you have been married, and have experienced physical intimacy, it is extraordinarily challenging to ‘turn off’ that faucet. As human beings, we have natural drives and urges to mate and procreate. Once we have experienced these things, it seems to, in many cases, make that drive stronger.

When you are divorced, you not only have to deal with sleeping alone at night, but also with the deprivation of that physical intimacy, and satisfaction. Add on top of that, being thrust into the dating world, and having the continual temptation to cross boundaries and have once again what was lost . . .if even for a moment.

Feeling ‘lonely’ can be one aspect of our dilemma, but it is by no means all or even most of it. A study in the early to mid 1900’s with newborn babies concluded that as humans we need touch and physical affection in order to thrive.

“Psychologists and physicians agree that human beings need affection and loving touch in their lives. We’ve all heard of the infamous study where infants who didn’t receive affection and touch failed to thrive or even died. Our culture, however, places so much value on independence and a certain rugged individualism that it serves to diminish the value of affection overall.” (1)

We are counseled as single adults that the standards in the For the Strength of Youth booklet also applies to us. Many LDS single adults scoff at that idea, making it difficult to find someone to date with shared values. Also in dating, it can be difficult to find someone to date who honestly presents their standards and lives them. This contributes to the temptation levels those who are earnestly seeking chastity in dating experience.

If you accept a date with someone who presents themselves as living a moral life, and then discover on the date, in the midst of what started as innocent, that they are pushing your boundaries; you now have to have the clarity of mind to end the encounter. For some, this is not an easy task.

It is readily accepted as fact that the number one challenge faced by LDS Singles today is the sin of immorality in all of its forms. We are being targeted in our already-weakened state. The sin second only in seriousness to murder, this is a popular means of destruction the adversary chooses. Many LDS Single Adults indulge in such immoral behaviors as ‘Friends with Benefits’ and 'NCMO’. The justifications run rampant, but church counsel against such behavior is clear:

“If we are single and dating, always treat our date with respect. Those who are dating must never treat their date as an object to be used for lustful desires. They should carefully plan positive and constructive activities so that they are not left alone without anything to do. They should stay in areas of safety where they can easily control themselves. They should not participate in conversations or activities that arouse sexual feelings, such as passionate kissing, lying with or on top of another person, or touching the private, sacred parts of another person's body, with or without clothing.” (2)

We have to decide every time we accept and go on a date where our lines will be. We can decide them in advance; but with every date, we must recommit ourselves to them, and reassess if they are high enough or not. We have to find that balance between craving physical affection and having firm boundaries which maintain our morality.

In some cases, this may mean remaining dateless for extended periods of time as we continue to weed out those who do not share our standards, or with whom we would not feel that our virtue is safe.

“In cultures where dating or courtship is acceptable, dating can help youth develop friendships and eventually find an eternal companion. Youth in the Church are taught to wait until at least age 16 to begin dating and to date only those who have high moral standards. A young man and a young woman on a date are responsible to help each other maintain their standards and to protect each other's honor and virtue.” (3)

This is just one of many challenges we face in the dating world. Things are not how they used to be 15+ years ago. Being divorced only adds to challenges singles face in dating.

SOURCES:

1- Raising Children to be Affectionate by Shari Steelsmith October 2, 2004. http://www.parentingpress.com/t_041002.html
(accessed October 15, 2007)

2- Chastity. Additional Information > Keeping the Law of Chastity. LDS.org. http://www.lds.org/portal/site/LDSOrg/menuitem.3933737ad2ff28132eb22a86942826a0/?vgnextoid=bbd508f54922d010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&index=3&sourceId=23e80bbce1d98010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____
(Accessed October 15, 2007)

3- Dating and Courtship. LDS.org. http://www.lds.org/portal/site/LDSOrg/menuitem.3933737ad2ff28132eb22a86942826a0/?vgnextoid=bbd508f54922d010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=0ddd0bbce1d98010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____
(accessed October 15, 2007)

This blog post is one in a series on Being Single. Through the run of this series, please give feedback regarding YOUR experiences with being single and LDS, or ask any questions you may have that I have not addressed.

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Being Single: The Divorced Ones -Shame and Guilt

Photo by Chance Agrella
Shame and guilt are just two of the many feelings divorced singles experience in the days, even years, following their divorce.

The gospel is heavily about eternal couples and families, so anything experienced in life which is less than that can leave a person feeling like an utter failure. Not a good feeling to have when you already may have those feelings of failure, just by virtue of having gone through a divorce.

It is common to experience a drastic drop in self-worth, and to feel utterly overwhelmed by new life circumstances which are to be dealt with alone. Most do not get married expecting to get divorced. Divorce is against all that most people believe and hope for when they first make their wedding vows.

It doesn’t help matters when outsiders, well-meaning or not, feel at liberty to commentate on our predicament. We realize, better than outsiders, what we and our children (if applicable) are going through. We need help and support and compassion: not judgment, criticism, or lecturing.

Why we got a divorce is not relevant to anyone other than us and our partner. It is good for us to understand why so we can correct it and have a better chance for a successful union down the road. Unless something happened which involves or needs to involve confession to our bishop, counseling, or law enforcement involvement, no one outside of the marital union has a ‘need’ to know the circumstances. Please respect our privacy. You don’t have to know details in order to love and compassionately serve us.

We just need to know that we have value and worth: that we are needed and loved. More on that will be covered in a future blog.

Making sure we know you are available WHEN we need you, is one of the best things you can do. Hugs, babysitting (when applicable), a lunch date, mowing the lawn for us, are all great examples of ways to compassionately serve us.

This blog post is one in a series on Being Single. Through the run of this series, please give feedback regarding YOUR experiences with being single and LDS, or ask any questions you may have that I have not addressed.

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Being Single: A Series Begins

Photo by Chance Agrella
I was called as a single's rep a few months back, and serving in this calling has been very enlightening and educational for me . . .and for the married couples also involved in the program.

Our singles program started with all married couples running it. They are all age 50+. All, to my knowledge, have never been widowed or divorced. One confided in me that she 'married late' (I think she said age 28).

One of the women has been inviting a married sister to attend the singles activities because she feels this woman is 'lonely'. Her husband is away for work a lot. He expressed some discomfort with this idea.

Today, after the singles social there was a ton of extra food. We decided to run out plates to those who were unable to come, shut-ins, etc. One sister was asked if she needed us to make up some plates to take to anyone on her 'route'. She remarked that none of them were shut-ins and if they chose not to be here she was not going to take food to them.

I took food to those on my route. I felt really badly when I did so as one sister clean forgot about the social, and would have gone if she had remembered. I should have called and reminded everyone. I slacked off in my duty. I won't make that mistake again.

What I think a lot of people don't get is that 1/3 of this church is made up of the singles in it; and we have needs, concerns, and challenges which married people do not. We need help, encouragement, and compassion: not judgment and criticism. We need to feel cared about: not alienated.

I am going to start a series in this blog on the topic of being single and LDS, in an effort to help others understand what it is like; and maybe be better able to compassionately serve the singles in their wards, branches, and stakes.

In our little town, there are over 300 singles (ages 18+) just in my stake alone. Of those, exactly half (according to one of the counselors in the Stake Presidency whom I spoke with who performed the research) are completely inactive. We have to do something. We have to reach out more effectively. Can it be any more clear that the singles are in need, NOW?

Through the run of this series, please give feedback regarding YOUR experiences with being single and LDS, or ask any questions you may have that I have not addressed.


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Kissing and Touch

Photo by Chance Agrella

Having not been raised in the church it sometimes gives me some interesting perspectives on things. I am very comfortable with touch and recognize that there are many types of touch. Only one type of touch is sexual. One is sensual. One is friendly. One is nurturing/comforting. One is abusive. The list goes on.

As single adults, we are very limited in what we can do physically (and sexually) as we get to know others, assess them as potential mates, and build relationships. There are some great general guidelines which absolutely should be adhered to.

Some try to debate it, but it has been clearly stated that certain things are to be reserved for marriage: "French" (tongue) kissing is one of those things. In church guidelines it is covered under the 'passionate kissing' umbrella which also covers 'making out' or any type, length, or form of kissing which unleashes passionate feelings and drive.

In matters of affection and bonding, you can absolutely share kisses that are pleasing, sensual, affectionate, and wonderful without crossing that line.

This applies also to touch. We are not to touch private parts under or above clothing of ourselves or others (this refers to stimulation, not cleansing or medical purposes). One suggested guideline has been 'The Swimsuit Rule'. This rule is that any area covered by a modest swimsuit is not to be touched, kissed, fondled, caressed, etc. A more stringent rule is 'The Garment Rule' which is that any area which would be covered by the sacred garment (worn by worthy members), it is not to be touched, kissed, fondled, etc. Which rule is used, it is my understanding, is left up to the individuals involved. The basic thing is to be sure that private parts are left alone and that nothing is done of a sexual nature or which would create arousal.

Now, for some this would seem 'boring'. To them I say, first, there are still plenty of ways to have 'fun' and be 'safe'; and second, I would much rather have some 'boring' than a confessional discussion with my Bishop (clergy) any day of the week! I mean seriously. . . how many people want to sit in front of their clergy and detail their love/sex life in the context of how they allowed their passions to get the better of them. . .which includes explaining what the exact transgression is? NOT I!!!

So back to 'fun' and 'safe' kissing and touch. I have found there seems to be this weird idea set in our religious culture that either all touch bad or that all touch is sexual. Neither is true.

In dating, I run into men, frequently, who seem to think any allowed touch on my part is a sign that I am loose. They then proceed to either freak out and think I am going to molest and seduce them, or they think they then have license to attempt to molest and seduce me.

Is there not a happy medium in there anywhere?

So, here is my Dani version of LDS Sex Ed 101

1-Hand-holding does not mean there will be sex (or making out).

2-A man's arm around a woman does not mean there will be sex (or making out).

3-One sweet kiss does not constitute making out, nor does it mean there will be making out (or sex).

4-Hugging, snuggling, and cuddling are all innocent forms of physical touch. They can mean nurturing, comfort, friendship or affection. They do not mean there will be making out or sex.

5-Stop reading sex and making out into every look, phrase, gesture, touch, and kiss. If clothes start coming off or the offer is made, THEN you can start to think maybe sex is on their mind. Until then, just take it for what it is: a simple touch or kiss.

6-If you get instant arousal from someone touching you in the most innocent way in a totally appropriate place, I would say them seducing you is not the problem you should be worrying about.

7-Learn to enjoy innocent touch and simple sweet kisses. Learn to focus on affection rather than arousal. It makes the whole abstinence before marriage issue much easier to live with when you are an active dater. Trust me on this. Continually reading sex and making out into everything will make you crazy, insult your dates, and make you come across like a total prude, a total freak, or a total pervy: none of which is what I think you want.

Innocent Touch: A Few Examples

A hug; holding hands; walking arm in arm; an arm around the other person; a hand massage; a foot rub; a kiss on the forehead; a kiss on the cheek; a kiss on the tip of the nose; a kiss on the back of the hand; a kiss on the palm of the hand; a kiss on the wrist; a scalp massage; a temple massage; lotion rubbed on elbows, feet, and hands; gently touching/caressing the other person's face/cheek; a shoulder and neck massage (clothed); and butterfly kisses (fluttering your eyelashes on the other person's face/cheek).

Kissing Styles

There is more than two types of kissing. The two I run into the most are the closed-lip pucker (the kind of kiss you give your sweet grandmother); and the fully-opened mouth, tongue down the throat, face being sucked off.

Ya know, there is a LOT to be said for lips. Lips are good. Reserve that tongue for marriage and save those puckers for Granny. If you are going to take the risk of being rejected or slapped, make it a good kiss. Make it a nice kiss. Make it memorable. Make it mean something.

Slightly parted lips, gently but firmly exploring and teasing the other person's lips is a good thing. You can have sweet exploratory kisses that don't get out of control. You can kiss as a means of showing affection and not have it be sexual or turn into a make out session. Seriously. I speak from experience.

Even hot-blooded passionate people can master these concepts. Again, I speak from experience.

I hope this has helped edu-ma-cate and enlighten my fellow LDS Singles on how to enjoy our limits without getting into trouble.

Happy Dating!

~Dani, Dating Diva Extraordinaire (not really, but it sounded good! lol)

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FHE Ideas for the Family, Dates, Groups, Etc

Photo by Chance Agrella
As the self-titled Queen of Shortcut FHE Planning, I have found some great resources for quickly planning fun and interesting FHE lessons. I have shared a few of them below for your use. These are great for using with your own family, on dates, in groups, or whatever. Happy Planning!

Various Family Home Evening (FHE) Resources
Wanna do the Standing for Something FHE Lessons (based upon the book by Pres. Hinckley)? They are kid-friendly, all planned out, and can be found HERE

How about lessons based on the Family Proclamation? Click HERE for those.

or a set of 30 Fast and Easy FHE lessons may be found HERE

President Hinckley's 6 BE's FHE lessons HERE

A year of Primary Manual FHE lessons HERE

A year of SIMPLE Family Nights
HERE

Be Prepared FHE Lessons HERE

a huge list of teen oriented FHE lessons can be found HERE

A list of adult oriented FHE lessons can be found HERE


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Celestial Dating

As my dating experiences have grown, and as I have been observing more and more relationships around me that work. . .and don't, I have been refining the process by which I choose who to date and who to continue to invest time in.

Sometimes, it feels to the tender part of me, to be a heartless, cutthroat process. But, the intellectual side of me realizes it is a very necessary process if I truly want a celestial union/a relationship that is for eternity.

No one is perfect, but there are basic traits and qualities which are pre-requisites for attaining Celestial status. . .and having a truly eternal union. These are the things for which I screen. Many can be discerned before even going on a first date, but some generally aren't revealed until at least one date has occurred.

One of the most important factors for me to discern is the person's "staying power". This means I look at their track record for trying to make things work out and their commitment to making things work out. Are they quick to 'next' people? Are they quick to jump to conclusions and judge? Do they try to understand me and fix things in themselves which clash in our relationship. . .or do they expect me to cater to them? Do they seek to talk, listen, and openly communicate or do they cut and run at the first difficulty? Do they understand that working things out and making changes to benefit a relationship are all part of a healthy lasting relationship, or are they seeking some cardboard cutout who meets all their demands and fits their every wish on their list?

Another factor I find important to look at is their forgiveness quotient. Are they forgiving or do they hold grudges? Do they blame others for things or do they take responsibility for their own contributions: and then do something about it? How do they talk about and relate to their former spouse/date/girlfriend? How do they handle it when their kids make mistakes? Are they a doormat who just quietly puts up with stuff then explodes or lashes out later? Do they continually seek win/win situations or are they out for what will benefit them: not caring if anyone else benefits. . .or even worse, not being happy unless they are the only one who benefits?What do they do when they don't get their way or someone won't do what they want them to? Whining, manipulation, pouting, tantrums, threats, etc are deal-breakers to me.

Another thing I look for is how they treat others. Do they leave good tips? Do they run 'the help' ragged? Are they grateful and appreciative of what others do for them or do they act like it is expected that others serve them? Do they say 'Thank you', 'Please' and 'I'm Sorry', or do those words seem to be unknown to them? Do they actively show concern for me, my boundaries, my rights, my feelings, my overall welfare, and my safety?

I recently discovered there is a pattern amongst couples who have happy unions. . .which also was present in both relationships in my life where I was truly in love. In every case, once they began dating each other, the interest was mutually strong and clearly shown. Both treated each other with affection, concern, and made time for one another: from the start. Both gave one another a lot of time and attention, and never gave each other a reason to doubt, feel insecure, or to be suspicious.

So, if I go out with someone and their interest seems to then be only lukewarm or to decline at all, I walk. Lukewarm interest is not a hallmark of a lasting relationship, and frankly, isn't worth my time to pursue. Interestingly, I read this same 'advice' in a dating column a few days ago. . . a few days after I had my 'a-ha' moment. I deserve to be with and want to be with someone who is crazy about me: someone who recognizes and appreciates my worth. Nothing less will do. That is how it should be, and is what I have found to be present in every relationship that works. Why waste time trying to prove myself or convince someone I am worth their time? Chuh! My time is far too precious for that.

And what, you may ask, is the difference between that and being quick to 'next' someone? The difference, my friend, is that when one is quick to 'next' someone it is usually over something like not having all the facts and due to jumping to conclusions. It is usually motivated by selfishness: not practicality. For instance, I know some who will 'next' someone the first time they don't follow through exactly as specified. People are human and life happens. There can be many legitimate reasons why someone would be unable to keep any particular commitment. To not find out the facts first, or to make assumptions based upon what one thinks they see is not a Celestial behavior pattern. Recognizing that someone is 'just not that into you' and moving on to someone who is, shows clear thinking based in reality and reason. . . which is a Celestial behavior pattern. That is the difference.

Like what I wrote and want to buy me a cherry coke?