The Perceptions of Men vs Women

Image via WikipediaI tend to believe that while we are ‘all the same’, there are times when men and women are just ‘wired’ differently. Today, I was part of a real-life, funny example of that.

My son’s cell phone broke, so we went to the local Radio Shack to replace it. They know us there, and they are just really wonderful and knowledgeable about everything electronic.

Today, one man and one woman were working. We were all looking at the phones (My teen and I were the only customers), and talking about the differences. The saleslady and I both commented on how much we liked the small blue phone. My son said, “But, it looks too girly!” We laughed. Then I asked the salesman what he thought. He hesitated, but my son prodded him. The salesman laughed and then agreed that he thought it looked ‘too girly’ as well.

Then, both males went for a neon green phone. They told us that it looked more ‘masculine’. The saleslady and I laughed, and almost at the same time commented that we thought that was the phone that looked ‘girly’.

The moral of the story is that even though men and women are ‘equal’, they may well view the world through very different perceptions. There is no right or wrong about this, it is just something that needs to be understood, accepted, and worked with.

When the focus is on working together rather than ‘being right’ a lot more can be done and many arguments can be avoided.

But, don’t take my word for it. There are studies that back up the fact that men and women really are ‘wired’ differently:

Brains Wired Differently in Men and Women by Andrea Thompson.
Livescience.com. September 8, 2008, 5:02 pm ET
http://www.livescience.com/health/080905-synapse-gap.html

Emotional Wiring Different in Men and Women
Livescience.com. April 19, 2006, 10:05 am ET
http://www.livescience.com/health/060419_brain_wiring.html

Men and Women: Are We Wired Differently?
Today Show/MSNBC – Health. (Updated) December 14, 2006
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16187129

Men and Women are Wired Differently by Dr.Gary and Barbara Rosberg
Marriage Intimacy.com, 2000.
http://www.marriageintimacy.com/intimacy-in-the-marriage-relationship.htm

Slow Fade – The Slow Destruction of Self and Relationships

I heard this song for the first time last night, and it immediately caught my attention. The song points out how easy it is to move away – one little moment at a time - from any relationship or goal.

As the song says, “people don’t crumble in a day”. The destruction of dreams and relationships don’t happen in just one day – there is something that led to it, one little step at a time. Those little things usually involve justifications and desensitization, as well.

When we have a clear vision of what it is we want, and we stick with the desire to have that – even when its not easy – it is easier to stay on track. Its when we are unclear, unsure, and put other things first that we stumble, crumble, and fall.

Casting Crowns – Slow Fade (posted on AOL video)

Birthdays and Dating

Image via WikipediaToday is my birthday, and it got me thinking about how birthdays affect dating.

If you are an online dater, some sites will mark your profile with a birthday symbol, or 'announce' your birthday in some other way. This can drive more traffic to your profile and elicit contact with people who may become new friends or more.

However, your birthday also increases your age which may put you in a new demographic for searches on the dating sites. This can increase or decrease your views and contacts significantly. Additionally, it can affect the kind of contact you get. For example, I have some friends who 'freaked out' when their age change suddenly garnered a lot of attention from men who were 20+ years older than them. That kind of age difference creeped them out. What a difference a day makes!

Let us not forget the birthdays that come along while you are dating someone. If you are already in an established relationship its not as big a deal, but if you have barely started dating someone it can prove to be awkward. Do you ask them out for their birthday, send them a card or buy them a small gift? Is that appropriate or pushy? If you are the birthday person, do you invite your date to your birthday party or even tell them about your birthday? Is that appropriate or does it seem like you are 'hinting' for 'cash and prizes'?

I also have some friends who celebrate their birthday each year by changing their birthday online, the day before. For some this keeps them the same age. Others seem to be aging backwards.

How do you handle birthdays and dating?

How Dating and Relationships are like Bungee Dancing

Lara Croft Bungee Dancing:

Though I am scared of heights, and not a fan of bungee jumping, I must say that there is something about bungee dancing that totally fascinates me, and lures me in like a moth to a flame. The first time I recall truly seeing it was in the Lara Croft Tomb Raider movie. I was so jealous! I would love to be able to do that in my own living room! Think of how easy and fun dusting would be.

The next time I saw it was in Celebrity Circus performed by Stacy Dash – twice. She started out scared of heights, and yet found it within herself to rise to the challenge and compete in all height-based acts. Even injured, she performed with remarkable focus, determination, and grace.

I think that fear and excitement can also be related to dating and relationships. Sometimes, we let our fears, anxieties, and past hurts keep us from doing something we really want to do – something that appeals to us and beckons us near.

Even when we are hurt in our relationships, we can find it within ourselves to move forward with focus, determination, and grace – if we so choose.

And like bungee dancing, dating and relationships can be as fun, beautiful, and amazing as we want them to be. It all depends upon what we and our chosen partners put into it.

See Stacy Dash’s Bungee Dancing:

First Time/Injured
Second Time/Finals

Other Resources:

Starlight Show Productions

When it comes to dating and relationships, are you a bungee dancer or are you yearningly watching from the sidelines?

The Right Reasons

Photo © Lynn Davis

I heard from a friend today who is feeling a bit stressed in her relationship. The only thing I knew to tell her was as follows:

"Relationships are complicated. Especially when you are serious about wanting to be part of an amazing long-term relationship - and marriage. The only fast and hard rule I have ever learned about relationships is that I have to be honest with myself and my partner about who I am, what I need, and whether who they are and what our relationship is matches up with me and what I need - and vice versa. Sometimes I just cannot be who they need or give what they need. It can really stink to be alone, but it stinks worse to be frustrated and stressed all the time.

In my time away from dating, I have experienced a bit of a detoxification/cleansing. While I would still love to be part of an amazing relationship, I see how much I sacrificed for bad causes and how much of myself I lost in the process. We each deserve to be with someone who is a great match for us who puts as much if not more into creating with us a beautiful and lasting relationship. We each deserve to be with someone who puts us ahead of themselves and who is as serious about creating that loving, selfless, mutually-rewarding relationship as we are. Nothing less is right.

Most people are not honestly at that point in their development. It doesn't make them bad - it just makes them not ready yet. Each of us has to decide if waiting it out and working it out is a beneficial or hurtful thing to the end goal - and to our own happiness. No one else can decide that for us.

I wish I had magic words to say to give you comfort, and strength, and answers. All I can say is that I believe in you, and I know that in your heart you know what the right thing, in this moment, is for you. You know your own heart, your own mind, and your own strength. Trust that.

Its okay to stick out tough times - if you are doing it for the right reasons.
Its okay to walk away - if you are doing it for the right reasons.
The right reasons are the ones that bring true and lasting happiness.

You are a brilliant, beautiful, kind, generous, loving woman. You have amazing strength, wisdom, and courage. I know you can do anything you put your mind to doing. I think you deserve to do those things that put a twinkle in your eyes, and give you that glow of joy - whatever they may be."

I think that too many people, myself included, can lose sight of what is really important in the quest for love.

What do YOU think?

How Just Trying to Get Along Can Backfire

I caught an episode of House online today, and in it something interesting happened in relation to relationships.

Wilson and "CB" were choosing a mattress together. Each had a preference. She told him to pick whichever mattress he wanted - that either was fine with her. He choose the one that she preferred. When she realized it, she was upset. She told him that his pattern of 'just trying to get along' by doing whatever his former partners wanted rather than doing things he wanted created resentment in him and led to the demise of those relationships. She told him not to do that to her. She wanted him to use his own voice in their relationship, too.

She brings up a good point. Where is that line in relationships between genuinely being kind to your partner and doing things 'just to get along' that create resentment?

It seems to me that if you feel in any way pressured (real or imagined pressure) to do something 'just to get along', it is likely going to create a feeling of resentment in you. There is nothing wrong with an ebb and tide in a relationship where each partner gets something they want, when what they want diverges.

Like "CB", it drives me crazy when someone does the 'just trying to get along' thing with me. Just as I want a partner who will know when to 'give' to me, I also want the opportunity to 'give' to my partner. I don't want a mindless sheep who will give in to everything I want. I don't have all the answers, and I certainly don't want all of the responsibilities. I want a partner who will create a relationship and life with me - by my side.

What are YOUR thoughts about 'just trying to get along'?

A Great Video Online: Three Pillars of Marriage: Leave, Cleave, and Be One

Photo © Roxana Gonzalez
While I work I tend to have music or the sound of video entertainment running in the background. As much as I hate to work on the Sabbath, sometimes it cannot be avoided.

Yesterday, as I finished up the book project, I had byutv online playing in the background. A great segment from the Family Expo came on, and once I got done with my work, I watched it.

This segment is about marriage, and it is packed with great information about relationships and marriage. It is approximately an hour long, so you will want to be sure you have that kind of time before you get into it.

From the Continuing Education Dept of BYU
Family Expo: "A Proclamation to the World"
The Three Pillars of Marriage: Leave, Cleave, and Be One
by Matthew O. Richardson

Why Am I Single? Why Being Single is Not a Curse

Photo © Roxana Gonzalez
CNN spotlighted this 2005 article from Katherine Russell that is on Oprah.com. The main point of the article is that being single does not make a person 'unfortunate' or any less than the magnificent being they are. The article emphasized the importance of having a change of attitude about having the status of 'single'.

As stated in the article, having a full life and recognizing that happiness comes from within are both great ways to live life as a single.

Though it shouldn't be the point, a happy, fulfilled person is also far more attractive as a date and a mate than someone who is focused on the 'negatives' of their situation.

I have found great joy in my life by pursuing interests, hobbies, further education, and opportunities for service. By switching my focus from 'finding a partner' to 'finding joy', I have found myself . . .and great peace.

What things do YOU do that bring you true joy?

For More Information, please read the article:
Why am I alone? Oops, wrong question

Red Flags

Photo by Kerry A. Adamo
Red Flags is a term people use to describe huge warning signs about others and their behavior or personality. Being single, I have discovered many other singles put a great deal of time into looking for red flags and put a great deal of stock into the philosophy they should 'run' at the first sign of anything they believe to be a red flag.

Everyone has a different idea about what is a sign of trouble. In my own life I am going through that phase we all experience from time-to-time when a lot of challenges hit at once. Its just life, and one day at a time I am getting through it; but to an outsider it could appear to be a huge red flag about me and my life.

Because of what I am handling, I have shifted my own focus from dating to dealing with the challenges, so it puts me in a quandry of sorts when men come along who want to start something. How much do I fill them in about, and should I fill them and in and let them decide what to do or just brush them off for now as the timing is off?

All of this got me thinking about red flags and what we, as individuals consider to be red flags and what we do about them.

What do YOU think is a red flag?
What do you do when you first see something which might be a red flag?
How many red flags are in your own life?

Men Just Want to Make Women Happy

Photo by Chance Agrella
As dumb as it may sound, there is something I didn't really 'get' until a few days ago. It is just how much men just really want to make women happy. It was when I was listening to those wonderful voicemail messages the other day, that it 'clicked' for me. In the days since, I have observed many more instances of this, and have been amazed at what I have seen.

Dr. John Gray, author of Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, has a few fun and interesting clips available on Youtube.

In one of them he addresses this very concept in a most entertaining and enlightening way:


He quickly addresses the happiness issue here:


And, for those men who feel a bit clueless as to how to make women happy, here is one last clip which explains 'Venusian Scoring'. Very funny . . .and very true.


I honestly don't think women notice and appreciate this aspect of men nearly enough. The story Dr Gray shared about the clean kitchen and glass on the counter is something I, myself, have very much been guilty of across the span of my life.

Though in recent years, I have developed a much greater 'attitude of gratitude' generally speaking, it is only in the past few days I have realized how much I need to work on fully recognizing and appreciating the men in my life and all the wonderful things they do just to see me smile and make me happy.

Like what I wrote and want to buy me a cherry coke?