The Perceptions of Men vs Women

Image via WikipediaI tend to believe that while we are ‘all the same’, there are times when men and women are just ‘wired’ differently. Today, I was part of a real-life, funny example of that.

My son’s cell phone broke, so we went to the local Radio Shack to replace it. They know us there, and they are just really wonderful and knowledgeable about everything electronic.

Today, one man and one woman were working. We were all looking at the phones (My teen and I were the only customers), and talking about the differences. The saleslady and I both commented on how much we liked the small blue phone. My son said, “But, it looks too girly!” We laughed. Then I asked the salesman what he thought. He hesitated, but my son prodded him. The salesman laughed and then agreed that he thought it looked ‘too girly’ as well.

Then, both males went for a neon green phone. They told us that it looked more ‘masculine’. The saleslady and I laughed, and almost at the same time commented that we thought that was the phone that looked ‘girly’.

The moral of the story is that even though men and women are ‘equal’, they may well view the world through very different perceptions. There is no right or wrong about this, it is just something that needs to be understood, accepted, and worked with.

When the focus is on working together rather than ‘being right’ a lot more can be done and many arguments can be avoided.

But, don’t take my word for it. There are studies that back up the fact that men and women really are ‘wired’ differently:

Brains Wired Differently in Men and Women by Andrea Thompson.
Livescience.com. September 8, 2008, 5:02 pm ET
http://www.livescience.com/health/080905-synapse-gap.html

Emotional Wiring Different in Men and Women
Livescience.com. April 19, 2006, 10:05 am ET
http://www.livescience.com/health/060419_brain_wiring.html

Men and Women: Are We Wired Differently?
Today Show/MSNBC – Health. (Updated) December 14, 2006
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16187129

Men and Women are Wired Differently by Dr.Gary and Barbara Rosberg
Marriage Intimacy.com, 2000.
http://www.marriageintimacy.com/intimacy-in-the-marriage-relationship.htm

The Attractiveness of Confidence

Photo © Lynn Davis
Definitions of confidence on the Web:
• assurance: freedom from doubt; belief in yourself and your abilities; "his assurance in his superiority did not make him popular"; "after that ...
• a feeling of trust (in someone or something); "I have confidence in our team"; "confidence is always borrowed, never owned"
• a state of confident hopefulness that events will be favorable; "public confidence in the economy"
• a trustful relationship; "he took me into his confidence"; "he betrayed their trust"
• a secret that is confided or entrusted to another; "everyone trusted him with their confidences"; "the priest could not reveal her confidences"
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

In dating and relationships, confidence is very attractive and is one of several very positive and necessary character traits generally required to have a healthy, happy relationship.

I found this fabulous article about confidence that explains what confidence is and why it is so attractive:

What Makes a Self-Confident Person Attractive? By Marti Yarbrough.

(*Note: the article concludes on page 2, with page 3 being the bibliography)

Slow Fade – The Slow Destruction of Self and Relationships

I heard this song for the first time last night, and it immediately caught my attention. The song points out how easy it is to move away – one little moment at a time - from any relationship or goal.

As the song says, “people don’t crumble in a day”. The destruction of dreams and relationships don’t happen in just one day – there is something that led to it, one little step at a time. Those little things usually involve justifications and desensitization, as well.

When we have a clear vision of what it is we want, and we stick with the desire to have that – even when its not easy – it is easier to stay on track. Its when we are unclear, unsure, and put other things first that we stumble, crumble, and fall.

Casting Crowns – Slow Fade (posted on AOL video)

Free eHarmony Weekend Jan 1- 4, 2009 - Happy New Year!

Image via WikipediaWhile on Facebook, I spotted an ad for a free weekend on eHarmony.

The link below will take you to a sign-up page that requires your first name and zip code along with some other innocuous information. Beyond that, I don’t know what you will be asked to do, though I assume from prior experience with eHarmony at the least you will be required to take the l-o-n-g quiz and fill out basic profile information.

They may or may not require upfront credit card information. If they do, be sure to print out the cancellation policy information so you will know how to protect yourself from being billed if you decide to cancel after the free weekend.

http://www.eharmony.com/singles/servlet/registration?cid=32601&aid=1000

Its Not Who I Am, Its What I Do

Image via Wikipedia

I was reading a US Magazine interview with Carrie Underwood earlier, and something she said hit home with me.

"If I met somebody, and they don't know anything about me," she said, "That's like, 'Oh, you're going to actually get to know me a little bit before you go Google me?"

Despite my lack of fame and notoriety, just by virtue of being a writer, I, too, get the ‘get to know me vs Google me’ thing in dating.

It’s a very uncomfortable feeling to have someone checking you out online. It creates a false sense of ‘knowing you’ in them, and it also represents an unfair ‘advantage’ in the balance of the blossoming relationship. In all honesty, it creeps me out to have someone who is interested in me checking me out online rather than just getting acquainted with me one-on-one.

I have also discovered, more often than not, that people who spend more time trying to find out about me on Google than one-on-one usually have issues I do not wish to deal with such as control, insecurity, and trust.

While writing has always been my heart’s desire, it is also something I do – it is not who I am. Sometimes I write about the things that matter to me, and sometimes I write what I am assigned, from the perspective I am instructed. Many times the final product is different from what I originally wrote. Sometimes the changes are minor and other times they are not.

In any case, assuming one ‘knows me’ simply by reading my writing or Googling me is wrong.

For the first time, I am beginning to understand part of the difficulty celebrities have in relationships. People think they ‘know’ the celebs based upon roles they have played, songs they have sung, and rumors that have been spread.

There will always be a piece of me in my writing. However, the whole me is far more complex and complete than any amount of Googling could ever reveal.

The only true way to get to know a person is to actually get to know them.

To that end, what do you find to be the best ways to get to know someone?


Source:
US Magazine (Online)
Carrie Underwood Apologizes for Upsetting Jessica Simpson
Monday November 3, 2008
http://www.usmagazine.com/news/carrie-underwood-apologizes-for-upsetting-jessica-simpson

Veterans Day 2008 - Date a Veteran

Image via WikipediaToday is Veterans Day, and in honor of that, today’s post is about veterans and dating.

First up is a look at why women love men in uniform from author Linda Howard in her interview with Crescent Blues E'Magazine:

Crescent Blues: What is it about a guy in uniform that so turns you on? Why do you think they make such good heroes?

Linda Howard: Because when they put on that uniform, that is proof that they are willing to put themselves between you and danger. It's a visual statement.

Multiple online dating sites are geared towards military personnel (past and present) and those who love them. Please note this is not a recommendation of any of the sites listed - it is merely a listing of options.

Whispy’s Directory of Military Singles Online Dating Sites

Iraq War Veteran’s Listing of Military Singles Online Dating Sites

MilitarySpot.com

MilitaryDatingOnline.com

If you want more information regarding specific online dating sites, please check the sidebar of this blog for the ratings widget and link.

Happy Veterans Day – Be sure to send some love to a Vet today!

Hey PlayaDude! What Makes a Friend a Great Marital Choice?

Image via Wikipedia I am starting off today's post by giving a "shout-out" to an awesome man in my life. *Hey PlayaDudue!* This man went from being a disastrous date several years ago to one of my best friends now. Its amazing how much can happen when kindness, communication, and forgiveness exist. I do not know what I would do if I did not have this man’s friendship and support in my life.

This and another situation in my life got me thinking about the different types of relationships we create in our life, and how much relationships change over time. As humans, we are ever changing, so people being able to stay together for 25+ years boggles my mind. It demonstrates to me that it is very much possible in our flawed human state to commit to one person, to put the good of another person and a relationship ahead of our own whims, and that the couple who selflessly loves one another stays together.

Counting my best friend who passed away recently, I have had three male best friends in this stage of my life that I could never be with romantically, but I do not know how I would survive without them in my life platonically.

They say you should marry your best friend, but all three of them would disagree with that in terms of us. I would have to agree with them. So, what then is the ‘thing’ that makes a best friend a great marital choice vs. just a best friend? I think for me, I can easily be friends with people who are very different from me. However, when it comes to building a committed romantic relationship and future, I think you really need common goals and values - I know that I do.

What do YOU think? Do you have friends you could marry?

Birthdays and Dating

Image via WikipediaToday is my birthday, and it got me thinking about how birthdays affect dating.

If you are an online dater, some sites will mark your profile with a birthday symbol, or 'announce' your birthday in some other way. This can drive more traffic to your profile and elicit contact with people who may become new friends or more.

However, your birthday also increases your age which may put you in a new demographic for searches on the dating sites. This can increase or decrease your views and contacts significantly. Additionally, it can affect the kind of contact you get. For example, I have some friends who 'freaked out' when their age change suddenly garnered a lot of attention from men who were 20+ years older than them. That kind of age difference creeped them out. What a difference a day makes!

Let us not forget the birthdays that come along while you are dating someone. If you are already in an established relationship its not as big a deal, but if you have barely started dating someone it can prove to be awkward. Do you ask them out for their birthday, send them a card or buy them a small gift? Is that appropriate or pushy? If you are the birthday person, do you invite your date to your birthday party or even tell them about your birthday? Is that appropriate or does it seem like you are 'hinting' for 'cash and prizes'?

I also have some friends who celebrate their birthday each year by changing their birthday online, the day before. For some this keeps them the same age. Others seem to be aging backwards.

How do you handle birthdays and dating?

How Dating and Relationships are like Bungee Dancing

Lara Croft Bungee Dancing:

Though I am scared of heights, and not a fan of bungee jumping, I must say that there is something about bungee dancing that totally fascinates me, and lures me in like a moth to a flame. The first time I recall truly seeing it was in the Lara Croft Tomb Raider movie. I was so jealous! I would love to be able to do that in my own living room! Think of how easy and fun dusting would be.

The next time I saw it was in Celebrity Circus performed by Stacy Dash – twice. She started out scared of heights, and yet found it within herself to rise to the challenge and compete in all height-based acts. Even injured, she performed with remarkable focus, determination, and grace.

I think that fear and excitement can also be related to dating and relationships. Sometimes, we let our fears, anxieties, and past hurts keep us from doing something we really want to do – something that appeals to us and beckons us near.

Even when we are hurt in our relationships, we can find it within ourselves to move forward with focus, determination, and grace – if we so choose.

And like bungee dancing, dating and relationships can be as fun, beautiful, and amazing as we want them to be. It all depends upon what we and our chosen partners put into it.

See Stacy Dash’s Bungee Dancing:

First Time/Injured
Second Time/Finals

Other Resources:

Starlight Show Productions

When it comes to dating and relationships, are you a bungee dancer or are you yearningly watching from the sidelines?

My Perfect Match: A Conniving Murderer - How 'Bout You?

One of the (many) things I am doing currently is beta testing a network television station's new website. One of the features of this website is in the games section and involves matching players up with a particular television series' character.

I took the test more than once, and tried variations of answer sets that all honestly reflected me and my personality. I got the same results every time.

The show is not one I am familiar with, so I looked up the show and the character I was matched with online. I was matched with a conniving murderer.

I have taken many funny, semi-serious, and ultra-serious matching quizzes over the years, and certain elements have remained the same. In all honestly, some of the traits that I love and value the most in men, such as drive, ambition, determination, and raw male power, if they go horribly wrong, could lead to conniving and perhaps murderous behavior.

When it comes to the traits of YOUR perfect match, what are the dark side of the coin traits they could turn into?

How Just Trying to Get Along Can Backfire

I caught an episode of House online today, and in it something interesting happened in relation to relationships.

Wilson and "CB" were choosing a mattress together. Each had a preference. She told him to pick whichever mattress he wanted - that either was fine with her. He choose the one that she preferred. When she realized it, she was upset. She told him that his pattern of 'just trying to get along' by doing whatever his former partners wanted rather than doing things he wanted created resentment in him and led to the demise of those relationships. She told him not to do that to her. She wanted him to use his own voice in their relationship, too.

She brings up a good point. Where is that line in relationships between genuinely being kind to your partner and doing things 'just to get along' that create resentment?

It seems to me that if you feel in any way pressured (real or imagined pressure) to do something 'just to get along', it is likely going to create a feeling of resentment in you. There is nothing wrong with an ebb and tide in a relationship where each partner gets something they want, when what they want diverges.

Like "CB", it drives me crazy when someone does the 'just trying to get along' thing with me. Just as I want a partner who will know when to 'give' to me, I also want the opportunity to 'give' to my partner. I don't want a mindless sheep who will give in to everything I want. I don't have all the answers, and I certainly don't want all of the responsibilities. I want a partner who will create a relationship and life with me - by my side.

What are YOUR thoughts about 'just trying to get along'?

Why Am I Single? Why Being Single is Not a Curse

Photo © Roxana Gonzalez
CNN spotlighted this 2005 article from Katherine Russell that is on Oprah.com. The main point of the article is that being single does not make a person 'unfortunate' or any less than the magnificent being they are. The article emphasized the importance of having a change of attitude about having the status of 'single'.

As stated in the article, having a full life and recognizing that happiness comes from within are both great ways to live life as a single.

Though it shouldn't be the point, a happy, fulfilled person is also far more attractive as a date and a mate than someone who is focused on the 'negatives' of their situation.

I have found great joy in my life by pursuing interests, hobbies, further education, and opportunities for service. By switching my focus from 'finding a partner' to 'finding joy', I have found myself . . .and great peace.

What things do YOU do that bring you true joy?

For More Information, please read the article:
Why am I alone? Oops, wrong question

More About Insults as Flirting

I have thought a lot about the earlier situation, and how I strive to be true to myself regardless of what other people think, feel, say, or do. I thought about how the man may well have been trying to flirt and be funny or cute or clever. I thought about how hard it is for many to even take that risk and initiate contact. I thought about my own leaning toward social dorkiness.

I went back to the message board and asked for advice, including specifics as to what to say to the gentleman, if anything at all. I read over his profile and decided to send him a reply. I did my best to be diplomatic and kind. We shall see how he replies, if at all.

Its hard to know how to respond to people who are rude or just socially inept. We all make mistakes - Heaven only knows how many social faux-pas I commit on a regular basis! I try to give the benefit of the doubt and to be true to myself - which is to try to respond with kindness and compassion. That is in constant conflict, however, with my Jericho Mile of being totally lacking in diplomacy and tact.

So, onward I go, trying to learn how to be less of a social dork and more diplomatic.

When it comes to handling difficult situations, what words and phrases have YOU found to be helpful?

Hey, Stupid! - When Did Insults Become Flirts?

Photo © Daniella Nicole
I have been working long hours as of late, and I am in my final hours on a single's site I have been a member of for several years. Because I am trying to tie up loose ends there and get contact info exchanged before I go, I have been quick to check back when I get a contact notification.

So, in the wee hours of the morning I got a notice. I popped on over and it was a 'profile comment'. I have labeled and dated my photos there, and I labeled the one I have posted in this blog as 'Thinker' due to the pose.

The comment I got from a man, was as follows, "thinker...? there u go workin without tools again....lol"

In my bleary-eyed state, I was not sure if I was reading it correctly or not, but it sure seemed to me that the man was insulting me by calling me stupid. So, on the message boards I posed the question as to if he was calling me stupid or not, and went to bed. I was truly hoping there was some hidden thing in there or special way to read it that I had missed in my fatigued state.

After a few hours of sleep, I read it again and it still looked the same to me. I went to the message boards and everyone who replied agreed that was what he was saying, but many qualified it with the fact they thought he was 'flirting' with me.

When did insulting a person become accepted as 'flirting'? This concept boggles my mind and appalls me. I understand that it can be difficult to make first contact and to know what clever thing to say that will get a person's attention and interest. But, I guarantee that if the first thing you say to them is an insult, you are going to strike out more than you are going to succeed. Flirting is an enticement. Insulting someone is not enticing, but rather, is off-putting. And, for the record, adding 'lol' to it doesn't make it any less rude and ignorant.

There are so many other choices to go with such as a genuine compliment or a comment about something you have in common. You can ask them a question about something they know a lot about (take care to not make it sound like you are looking for 'free advice' from an expert) or offer them info regarding something they have an interest in such as an upcoming workshop regarding a topic they have interest in that they may not know about.

When someone chooses to 'insult as a flirt' it makes me wonder just how comfortable they are with putting others down, and just how much of it I would be subject to were I to be in their line of fire. I choose not to allow negative or mean-spirited people into my life and my world. Someone who feels it is acceptable to use an insult as the first and only thing they say to me, or as 'flirting' fits into that category.

I really hope there are not people out there who think they have to accept such behavior as just part of life or part of dating. It is neither, and you have the right to have your personal boundaries respected.

Ladies: Getting the Love You Want CHALLENGE

I found these great articles online and decided to conduct a challenge with them. Worst case scenario, we might each learn a few things about ourselves and have some fun along the way.

So, to take part in this challenge the only things you have to do are the following 4 things:

1- Read all of the articles listed below. Then read them again carefully, taking note of the advice and how to implement it into your life.

2- Use the advice religiously for at least 30 days.

3-Keep a journal or log of your experiences and what you learn along the way.

4- Come back here and share a summary .

 

Ready - set - GO!

#1: Matchmaker's Dos and Donts

#2: 15 First Date Tips

#3: The Truth about Magic Lists

#4: 10 Signs You Should Run for Your Life

What LDS Singles Want Others in the Ward to Know

Photo by Roxana Gonzalez
I was pointed to this article in LDS Living Magazine and I really enjoyed it. It is based upon a survey the writer did with LDS singles. The results, I believe, are pretty representative of the singles as a whole.

Ten things are listed, and they include items such as "No two singles are alike", "Most of us want to marry (for the first time or again), but we're not desperate to marry", "We love to serve in church callings and in other church-related volunteer capacities, but we often have less free time than others might think".

One that really stood out to me addressed the issue of the inactivity rate of LDS single/divorced/widowed men. It put some responsibility on the shoulders of the other men in the wards and stakes to help fellowship, friendship, and reactivate 'our men'.

Here is a link to the article:
What the Singles in the Ward Want the Rest of Us to Know by Debra Sansing Woods.

After you read the article, please check back in here and let us all know what you think of the list. Was it on or off? What would you add or take out?


SOURCE:

What the Singles in the Ward Want the Rest of Us to Know. Debra Sansing Woods. December 28, 2007. LDS Living Magazine (online)
(Accessed December 29, 2007)

How Do I Let Go of Love?

Photo by Lynn Davis
A dear friend of mine is going through a painful time that I can completely relate to. He has been madly in love with a woman who has now made it clear that their relationship will never be. He is devastated and asked how to 'kill' the love he feels for her. The pain is unbearable for him. I am on the tail-end of a 'losing love' experience, so I shared the following with him, based upon what I have been learning along the way:

Time. They say time heals all wounds. Time also allows us to grow, change, let go, and move on.

Acceptance. Its hard to accept that what we wanted to the very core of our being - what we believed in and worked for with all we had - will never be. In conjunction with Time, Acceptance will allow us to let go, and move on.

Reality Check. Sometimes, no matter how right something may seem or is; no matter how much we give and work and sacrifice; things still don't work out according to plan. That is part of life and has no bearing on who we are or our worth - unless we distort it into such.

When there is betrayal or some clear wrong doing it is easier to move on because we can use fault and blame, and we have something concrete to hold on to that explains why it didn't work out.

When there is no fault or blame - when it just 'is', it is gut-wrenchingly difficult to get past. As humans we like to tie up loose ends. We don't like unfinished business, and we like to resolve things. When something just 'is' there is no resolution - only acceptance that it 'is'.

Prayer for Peace. When there is no resolution, Praying for Peace is the tool that allows us to Accept and move on. Peace fills in those gaps left behind by the loose ends and unfinished business.

Bite-Sized Pieces. Taking it one day at a time sometimes seems like too much. If it has to be dealt with one moment or one breath at a time, it is ok. We only need to deal with what we have to when we have to. There is plenty of time, and there will be much growth along the way. We need to learn to be ok with that, and find things about the process to embrace. They are there - we just need to watch for them.

Live*Laugh*Love. Along the way, we need to allow ourselves to truly live again; to laugh and cry and mourn and feel joy; and we need to open ourselves up to loving again. Shutting ourselves down at first can be helpful in allowing the wound to scab over and to help us get some perspective. But we need to take care that we don't stay in that place - that we take one baby step at a time if necessary, back into living again.

In the movie Field of Dreams, there was a now much-quoted line, "If you build it they will come." Well, to put that into context for this, "If you allow it, you will heal." We are not being disloyal or showing our love to be any less real when we accept, let go, and move on. Real love accepts the other person and their agency. Real love also loves and respects ourselves and our right to happiness, too. It is a mark of true love, and emotional maturity to be able to put things into perspective and to allow ourselves to live, and to love, again.

I don't believe this will 'kill' love, but I do believe it will help existing love devolve into its proper place and perspective for the circumstances so a person can live and love again.

What do YOU do to let go of love?

LDS Single Adult Resources

Photo by Roxanna Gonzalez
There is a free relationship/dating class online from BYU - it is geared more towards youth/first time daters, but there is some great info in it:

BYU Online - Dating: Romance and Reason

Here is the full list of FREE BYU ONLINE COURSES

The church (LDS Family Services) offers relationship classes for free, and I think there is a manual for it that is available for about $3.

The church website lists some great info for single adults as well as info on how to contact the closest office to find out about the classes:

LDS Family Services - For Single Adults

A listing of various singles dating sites, and resources for singles activities/leaders is at the LDS Section of About.Com

Utah LDS Singles Hotline: 1-800-537-6726

Singles Activities Websites (Utah):
www.singles31.com
www.utahsingles31.com

Please add any other free or low-cost LDS Adult Singles resources YOU know about.

Thank you!

Red Flags

Photo by Kerry A. Adamo
Red Flags is a term people use to describe huge warning signs about others and their behavior or personality. Being single, I have discovered many other singles put a great deal of time into looking for red flags and put a great deal of stock into the philosophy they should 'run' at the first sign of anything they believe to be a red flag.

Everyone has a different idea about what is a sign of trouble. In my own life I am going through that phase we all experience from time-to-time when a lot of challenges hit at once. Its just life, and one day at a time I am getting through it; but to an outsider it could appear to be a huge red flag about me and my life.

Because of what I am handling, I have shifted my own focus from dating to dealing with the challenges, so it puts me in a quandry of sorts when men come along who want to start something. How much do I fill them in about, and should I fill them and in and let them decide what to do or just brush them off for now as the timing is off?

All of this got me thinking about red flags and what we, as individuals consider to be red flags and what we do about them.

What do YOU think is a red flag?
What do you do when you first see something which might be a red flag?
How many red flags are in your own life?

Kissing is Gross

Photo by Chance Agrella
A sweet lady on another site commented that she didn't get what the big deal was about kissing - she thought it was gross.

It got me thinking about my own views on kissing and how they have changed over the years. My pre-marriage philosophy on kissing is quite different from my post-divorce views.

I think kissing being gross depends on who you are kissing and why.

I didn't date until about 8 or 9 months after my divorce was final in 2002. I think I had been divorced a year or two before I finally let a man kiss me.

In my youth, I was not quite as selective about kissing partners as I am now. I can count the number of men I have kissed since my divorce on the fingers of one hand, and I am happy about that.

Its not for everyone, but I find personal peace and joy in being selective and in treating kisses as something personal and special. I won't kiss just anyone, so anyone getting a kiss from me knows it means something and that I am genuinely interested in him.

He also will know that his lips will be the only ones exploring mine. I don't kiss more than one man in the same time period. I have to stop dating one man (the one I am smoochin') before I will kiss another one. I am a monogamous kisser.

For me, when kisses are exchanged as a means of expressing genuine interest, affection, and in monogamy - they are wonderful.

For me, anything else is kinda gross.

How do YOU feel about kissing; and in what ways, if any, has this view changed over the years?