How Do I Let Go of Love?

Photo by Lynn Davis
A dear friend of mine is going through a painful time that I can completely relate to. He has been madly in love with a woman who has now made it clear that their relationship will never be. He is devastated and asked how to 'kill' the love he feels for her. The pain is unbearable for him. I am on the tail-end of a 'losing love' experience, so I shared the following with him, based upon what I have been learning along the way:

Time. They say time heals all wounds. Time also allows us to grow, change, let go, and move on.

Acceptance. Its hard to accept that what we wanted to the very core of our being - what we believed in and worked for with all we had - will never be. In conjunction with Time, Acceptance will allow us to let go, and move on.

Reality Check. Sometimes, no matter how right something may seem or is; no matter how much we give and work and sacrifice; things still don't work out according to plan. That is part of life and has no bearing on who we are or our worth - unless we distort it into such.

When there is betrayal or some clear wrong doing it is easier to move on because we can use fault and blame, and we have something concrete to hold on to that explains why it didn't work out.

When there is no fault or blame - when it just 'is', it is gut-wrenchingly difficult to get past. As humans we like to tie up loose ends. We don't like unfinished business, and we like to resolve things. When something just 'is' there is no resolution - only acceptance that it 'is'.

Prayer for Peace. When there is no resolution, Praying for Peace is the tool that allows us to Accept and move on. Peace fills in those gaps left behind by the loose ends and unfinished business.

Bite-Sized Pieces. Taking it one day at a time sometimes seems like too much. If it has to be dealt with one moment or one breath at a time, it is ok. We only need to deal with what we have to when we have to. There is plenty of time, and there will be much growth along the way. We need to learn to be ok with that, and find things about the process to embrace. They are there - we just need to watch for them.

Live*Laugh*Love. Along the way, we need to allow ourselves to truly live again; to laugh and cry and mourn and feel joy; and we need to open ourselves up to loving again. Shutting ourselves down at first can be helpful in allowing the wound to scab over and to help us get some perspective. But we need to take care that we don't stay in that place - that we take one baby step at a time if necessary, back into living again.

In the movie Field of Dreams, there was a now much-quoted line, "If you build it they will come." Well, to put that into context for this, "If you allow it, you will heal." We are not being disloyal or showing our love to be any less real when we accept, let go, and move on. Real love accepts the other person and their agency. Real love also loves and respects ourselves and our right to happiness, too. It is a mark of true love, and emotional maturity to be able to put things into perspective and to allow ourselves to live, and to love, again.

I don't believe this will 'kill' love, but I do believe it will help existing love devolve into its proper place and perspective for the circumstances so a person can live and love again.

What do YOU do to let go of love?

The Dastardly Deed is Done . . and . . About Acceptance

I don't really watch TV - we don't even have TV service here. But I have caught a few episodes online of a few shows which friends rave about. From them, I have gleaned the words for a few truths I have discovered about relationships.

Two of them are:

1- In every relationship there comes a moment when you either move forward and see where it goes or you lose it. (Bones) Julia Roberts is quoted saying something similar, "If you love someone, you say it, right then, out loud. Otherwise, the moment just passes you by."

2- The best feeling in the world is being with someone who loves you so much that not only do they see who you really are, but they love and accept that person. They do not try to make you fit into some preconceived mold of what 'their mate' should be like. Even when it is hard for them, they accept who you are and try to give you just what it is you truly need. (Bones and Grey's Anatomy)

The gentleman I blogged about yesterday called again today and I told him to not call me anymore. We talked a little first, and as much as I tried to explain it to him, he would not hear me. He just kept insisting he loved me, he missed me, and he would call me again sometime.

Now I am again in the position of having to do something that will hurt someone, but is the right thing to do.

There is an object lesson in this about listening to others and respecting the wishes and boundaries of others. Every act of not doing so puts them in the position of having to put you, forcibly, into the position of having to comply.

Sometimes the right thing to do is to let go and walk away.

It's like that quote from the book Jonathon Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach:"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were."

Doing the Right Thing

Photo by Lynn Davis
I once dated someone who was a fabulous guy in many ways. He also had some serious 'issues' that needed to be addressed. His family intervened at the same time I had made some discoveries about certain things that were going on.

I stopped seeing him months ago, but he has continued to try to be a part of my life. The good things between us were amazing. But his baggage is overwhelming. It could be dealt with and brought to a tolerable level - if he made the choice to do so. But, he wants to have his cake and eat it, too, and I am nobody's 'cake'.

Earlier today (Friday) he called, but didn't leave a message. It's been a while since he last tried to get into my life, and I thought perhaps he was finally over it. Apparently not.

He is a total extrovert, and extroverts need to be around others to feel alive. He takes it to the extreme of being unwilling to let anyone - including his former wives and girlfriends, out of his world. I have no problem being friends with men I used to date. I am still on friendly terms with most of them, and good friends with a few of them.

Sometimes, though, it is appropriate to let go. It doesn't have to be ugly or hateful - but the relationship does need to be severed, for whatever reason. This is one of those cases, and despite telling him that previously, he still persists in his attempts to keep me as part of his life. His behavior and choices are simply too toxic for that to be a good idea.

So, now I am in the position of having to decide which unpleasant option I am going to utilize to deliver the killing blow to the continuing contact. I know whatever I do will hurt him, but I also know it must be done. I am not the type to intentionally hurt anyone, but I am also not the type to allow this kind of thing to go on.

So, tonight I cry for what I know I must do - for having to hurt someone in order to 'do the right thing'. Just because something is the right thing to do doesn't mean it is the easy or pleasant thing to do.

I Miss His Smile . . .

Photo by Roxanna Gonzalez
Today I got a lot of good news and I wanted so much for there to be someone special here to share it with. My thoughts immediately went back to someone in my past whom would have been especially great to tell - and to celebrate with.

We had a great deal in common, and we truly enjoyed each other's company. We were so very compatible in so very many ways. The problem was there were some very big, bad, major issues which could not just be overlooked or brushed aside. As great as the good stuff was, was how really bad the bad stuff was.

The great stuff I had with him was the very stuff my dreams had been made of. I dreamed for so long of someone I would have that level of compatibility with whom I could also work well with. And work well together, we did.

The bad stuff was just - well, intolerable by the standards of any reasonable person. If those things were being addressed it would have made all the difference in the world. But, they weren't and there was no sign they ever would be. Discussions with me and all around him got exactly no where.

There was nothing left to do but walk away. Unless I wanted to 'settle' for living in an intolerable set of circumstances.

Sometimes I wonder if this is what being divorced and over 30 has come to - either 'settling' for intolerable situations so you aren't alone; or being alone and hoping you 'qualify' for that sweet matchmaking in the millennium.

What helps YOU in situations such as this?

Holiday Breakup Ploy

Photo by Chance Agrella
I have now heard about this ploy from multiple guy pals; and I am not sure if they are teasing me, or if some guys really do this.

It works like this: a guy is dating a gal, and as the gift-giving holidays approach, he breaks up with her. Then, once the holidays are over, he reconciles with her. This means from around November through February he is out catting around and avoiding giving any gifts to the woman he supposedly is crazy about, with the intent of getting back together with her once the holidays are passed.

Would any guy in his right mind actually do this? Is any guy so completely cheap and heartless he would do this?

Guys: SAY IT ISN'T SO!

Any guy who thinks that is appropriate behavior clearly is not mature enough or caring enough to handle being in a real relationship.

NEXT!