More About Insults as Flirting

I have thought a lot about the earlier situation, and how I strive to be true to myself regardless of what other people think, feel, say, or do. I thought about how the man may well have been trying to flirt and be funny or cute or clever. I thought about how hard it is for many to even take that risk and initiate contact. I thought about my own leaning toward social dorkiness.

I went back to the message board and asked for advice, including specifics as to what to say to the gentleman, if anything at all. I read over his profile and decided to send him a reply. I did my best to be diplomatic and kind. We shall see how he replies, if at all.

Its hard to know how to respond to people who are rude or just socially inept. We all make mistakes - Heaven only knows how many social faux-pas I commit on a regular basis! I try to give the benefit of the doubt and to be true to myself - which is to try to respond with kindness and compassion. That is in constant conflict, however, with my Jericho Mile of being totally lacking in diplomacy and tact.

So, onward I go, trying to learn how to be less of a social dork and more diplomatic.

When it comes to handling difficult situations, what words and phrases have YOU found to be helpful?

Hey, Stupid! - When Did Insults Become Flirts?

Photo © Daniella Nicole
I have been working long hours as of late, and I am in my final hours on a single's site I have been a member of for several years. Because I am trying to tie up loose ends there and get contact info exchanged before I go, I have been quick to check back when I get a contact notification.

So, in the wee hours of the morning I got a notice. I popped on over and it was a 'profile comment'. I have labeled and dated my photos there, and I labeled the one I have posted in this blog as 'Thinker' due to the pose.

The comment I got from a man, was as follows, "thinker...? there u go workin without tools again....lol"

In my bleary-eyed state, I was not sure if I was reading it correctly or not, but it sure seemed to me that the man was insulting me by calling me stupid. So, on the message boards I posed the question as to if he was calling me stupid or not, and went to bed. I was truly hoping there was some hidden thing in there or special way to read it that I had missed in my fatigued state.

After a few hours of sleep, I read it again and it still looked the same to me. I went to the message boards and everyone who replied agreed that was what he was saying, but many qualified it with the fact they thought he was 'flirting' with me.

When did insulting a person become accepted as 'flirting'? This concept boggles my mind and appalls me. I understand that it can be difficult to make first contact and to know what clever thing to say that will get a person's attention and interest. But, I guarantee that if the first thing you say to them is an insult, you are going to strike out more than you are going to succeed. Flirting is an enticement. Insulting someone is not enticing, but rather, is off-putting. And, for the record, adding 'lol' to it doesn't make it any less rude and ignorant.

There are so many other choices to go with such as a genuine compliment or a comment about something you have in common. You can ask them a question about something they know a lot about (take care to not make it sound like you are looking for 'free advice' from an expert) or offer them info regarding something they have an interest in such as an upcoming workshop regarding a topic they have interest in that they may not know about.

When someone chooses to 'insult as a flirt' it makes me wonder just how comfortable they are with putting others down, and just how much of it I would be subject to were I to be in their line of fire. I choose not to allow negative or mean-spirited people into my life and my world. Someone who feels it is acceptable to use an insult as the first and only thing they say to me, or as 'flirting' fits into that category.

I really hope there are not people out there who think they have to accept such behavior as just part of life or part of dating. It is neither, and you have the right to have your personal boundaries respected.

Men Just Want to Make Women Happy

Photo by Chance Agrella
As dumb as it may sound, there is something I didn't really 'get' until a few days ago. It is just how much men just really want to make women happy. It was when I was listening to those wonderful voicemail messages the other day, that it 'clicked' for me. In the days since, I have observed many more instances of this, and have been amazed at what I have seen.

Dr. John Gray, author of Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, has a few fun and interesting clips available on Youtube.

In one of them he addresses this very concept in a most entertaining and enlightening way:


He quickly addresses the happiness issue here:


And, for those men who feel a bit clueless as to how to make women happy, here is one last clip which explains 'Venusian Scoring'. Very funny . . .and very true.


I honestly don't think women notice and appreciate this aspect of men nearly enough. The story Dr Gray shared about the clean kitchen and glass on the counter is something I, myself, have very much been guilty of across the span of my life.

Though in recent years, I have developed a much greater 'attitude of gratitude' generally speaking, it is only in the past few days I have realized how much I need to work on fully recognizing and appreciating the men in my life and all the wonderful things they do just to see me smile and make me happy.

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Communication and Selflessness: The Heart of A Happy Eternal Union

Photo by Roxana Gonzalez
A friend and I were discussing what makes a happy eternal union: and what partnership qualities are. We boiled it down to two things: communication and selflessness. I think both are absolutely necessary, and have equal importance. Without either, you have the makings of a divorce.

What is Communication?
The technical definition of communication is:

1. The act of communicating; transmission.
2. a. The exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, writing, or behavior.
b. Interpersonal rapport.
c. The art and technique of using words effectively to impart information or ideas.

I really like the one which states that communication is 'the art and technique of using words effectively to impart information or ideas' (italics added for emphasis.

When it comes to human relationships, being effective in communication can be a tricky thing. Not only do we need to be sure we are saying what we mean, and meaning what we say, but we also have to ensure we are communicating in a way in which the recipient can clearly understand us and what we truly mean. Sometimes we are like the person speaking in Greek to the person who only understands French; or the person speaking on a PhD level to the person who only comprehends on a 2nd Grade level.

As the presenter of the information, we have a responsibility to ensure we are speaking in a way the recipient clearly understands.

As a recipient of information, our responsibility is similar. We need to be sure we are really listening rather than putting our own filters on what is being said. We need to hear the speaker, and not get lost in our own internal voice critiquing and answering the information which is being relayed, as it is being relayed. We also need to ask questions, using techniques such as paraphrasing and parroting to open the door for the speaker to clarify anything we have not understood.

Parroting is the act of repeating back, like a parrot, verbatim what you have heard. It shows you were carefully listening, however it doesn't illustrate what was heard was understood.

Paraphrasing is the technique of putting what the speaker said into your own words, and then repeating it back to them. This not only indicates that you carefully listened, but it also can highlight what was understood and what was not. This gives the speaker an opportunity to clear up any misunderstandings.

Simple acknowledgments ('yeah', 'ok', 'uh huh') have their time and place, but are not enough in the full scope of effective communications. It is not enough to hear the words being spoken. We must hear and understand the meaning of the speaker which lies beneath the vocabulary.

Another critical aspect of effective communication is that of openness and honesty. For us to achieve a happy and eternal union, we must not only be open and honest with each other, but we must first and foremost be open and honest with ourselves. We cannot be honest with others if we are deceiving ourselves. If we are deceiving ourselves, we are building our relationship upon a foundation of sand, and it will eventually come crashing down around us.

Open, honest, and effective communication is the foundation of trust, and virtually eliminates all opportunities for the spirit of contention to enter into our union.


What is Selflessness?

Technically, selflessness is defined as:

1. the quality of unselfish concern for the welfare of others [syn: altruism] [ant: egocentrism]
2. acting with less concern for yourself than for the success of the joint activity

Selflessness is a crucial aspect of genuine love, and of creating a happy eternal union. When we put our partner's welfare and best interest first: ahead of what we want and need, we have won half the battle. If our partner also is doing the same, what do we have to contend about or worry about?

When we selflessly love our partner it is reflected in our words and actions to them and away from them. Our own happiness is rooted in theirs. We seek to find ways to serve them, give to them, sacrifice for them, meet their needs, love them, care for them, and protect them.

Our thoughts and heart is centered in their needs and welfare. If they fail to meet a need of ours, our thoughts do not focus on this, and then go to what we are going to withhold from them because of it. Selflessly loving our partner is only selfless when it is also without condition. When conditions are placed upon it, selfishness is rearing its ugly head.

SOURCES:

communication. Dictionary.com. The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/communication (accessed: October 07, 2007).

selflessness. Dictionary.com. WordNet® 3.0. Princeton University. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/selflessness (accessed: October 07, 2007).


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Introversion, Extroversion, Personality Assessments, Love, and Apologies

Photo by Chance Agrella
I am an introvert. Totally. Most people are genuinely surprised by this, and utter something to the effect of, "you don't seem shy".

A friend posted a link to this amazing short article on another site, and it truly sums up introverts. It explains me almost to a 'T'. It also explains that shyness and introversion are two different things.

Something else which explains me, and introversion, is also referred to in the article: the Myers-Briggs personality assessment.

According to the assessment, I am an INFJ. The 'I' is for 'Introverted'. One part of the explanation about the introversion of INFJs reads, "INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts..."

Another interesting part of the article was its reference to 'giftedness' and introverts, "a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population."

I am a firm believer in using good personality assessments and other tools to help understand the person you are involved with, and yourself; in the interest of developing the insight, tools, and skills needed to create and improve upon a beautiful and lasting relationship. I think there is great validity and usefulness with the Myers-Briggs assessment.

Understanding my own personality assessment helps me to better understand my own inherent strengths and weaknesses, and also to explain them to others. If I know the assessment of another, I can read up on what that means, and then better understand how best to relate to that person, and what things I need to learn to be more understanding or tolerant of.

I also subscribe to the principles of Dr. Gary Chapman's Love Languages and Apology Languages. A 30-Second (or less) assessment for BOTH is available online HERE.

I have found a tremendous benefit to understanding the love languages of others as it allows me to have the ability to give them my love and affection in the way in which they feel it and understand it. It is important also to understand that within each love language there are a plethora of 'dialects', so it is crucial that you also discern the dialect of the person, as well. Some free 'tools' regarding love languages may be downloaded HERE, and specific focus on the love languages and how it relates to couples may be further investigated HERE.

Apology languages are just as important to know, as in every relationship there will always be times when we will need to make amends. Knowing what the other person needs so they can feel our remorse is a good thing. It makes the apology process simpler and far more effective.

So, what personality assessments do you like, and how have they helped or hurt you and your relationships?



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Writing to Santa Claus and Men

An interesting article I was referred to today compares writing to Santa Claus with communicating with men. That and the other short tips it gave were really interesting. The article was one in a short series of tips about understanding men.

So, in the spirit of preparing for Christmas (since all merchants now have us several months ahead in holiday thinking anyway pfffffffffffffffffffftttttt), My Christmas Wish List for Men is as follows:


All I Want From YOU is:

Chivalry: open my doors, hold my hand. . . you know the drill.
Affection: touch me, kiss me, hold me, look into my eyes. . .all that good stuff.
Take an Interest in ME: get to know who I am, what I want, my dreams, my goals, my hurts, my fears. . .listen, pay attention, and observe. Learn.
Talk to Me: tell me why YOU choose ME. I need to know what you love about me and the good things you see in me.
Take Care of Me: Yes, I am independent, but I love it when you are protective of me, and do things for me just because you love me. So yes, defend me, protect me, cherish me, take care of me. Don't let anyone treat me badly or speak badly of me or to me. This includes YOU.
Be Yourself: you are the man I choose to be with. Trust me and let me in. Show me all that makes you the amazing and sexy man you are. You are safe with me. I will defend you, protect you, cherish you, and take care of you. I will not allow anyone to treat you badly or speak badly of you or to you. This includes me.
Love my child as your own.
Let me love your children as my own.
Be who you have presented yourself to be: That is who I chose.
Do what you say you are going to do: That is how I can trust you.


What would YOUR letter to men or women look like?

By the way, on the subject of writing to Santa Claus, here are two links to help you out:

Free Letter to Santa. Allows children send a free email to Santa. Cool site I have used before. Non-commercial.

Free Letter from Santa. Create a free customized printable letter from Santa for your child (or significant other if your sense of humor is wacky like mine).



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Well, You ARE Wrong: But it Isn't About Right or Wrong

There is something I am experiencing in dating and relationships, which I am still wrapping my head around: so please bear with me here.

Sometimes there is a situation that needs to be discussed. The person you are with does something which comes across like or feels rude, hurtful, insensitive, etc. They may have done something which is truly socially unacceptable.

Now, if you are never going to see them again, you can either tell them in the spirit of helping them out, or you can not say a word to them because you feel it isn't your place and doesn't matter anyway since you won't have to deal with it again.

However, if you want to see them again, you have to either learn to live with it, or speak up. If it is especially grating on your nerves, insensitive, rude, or otherwise annoying, it should not be a big deal to have a calm adult discussion about it, right?

WRONG! The minute you bring it up, the reaction you may more than likely get, based upon my own personal experience, is one of them going on the defensive and classing you as a nag or as being critical of them.

HELLO! In relationships, there will always be little quirks we need to be able to talk about and work out. If you are doing something which hurts or insults the person you are with, should you not have some modicum of concern about that? Should you not desire to correct that, and to be informed about it so you can correct it?

And here is a newsflash: it isn't about 'Right or Wrong'; but Sweetie, if you are being a social moron, treating your date with disrespect, or being otherwise rude and annoying; guess what? YOU ARE IN THE WRONG and need to fix it.

Don't even attempt to blame or label them. Suck it up, be an adult, and fix it. . .then move forward. Appreciate the fact they had the courage and maturity to let you know, because it is NOT an easy thing to do. Recognize that they have just displayed an amazing partner quality to you. . . and do the same back by gracefully and maturely making the needed change.

We ALL have times when we are the ones in the wrong and need to fix ourselves and our behavior. It is truly not a big deal unless you are an egomaniac with a huge pride issue. And, if that's the case, Honey, you have bigger issues to deal with than your date being unhappy with you at the moment.

And if you are the one who needs to speak up, use diplomacy, tenderness, and tact. DON'T BE LIKE ME, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! I am far too blunt, and am struggling with learning how to be 'direct with much tenderness'. Frankly, I suck at it and sometimes wonder if it is a lost cause . . .but I am still hanging in there trying to tame my mouth. *SIGH*

It is my own personal Jericho Mile.

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A Deer in the Headlights: or the Freeze and Flee Way

Photo by Chance Agrella
As a general rule, in relationships I don't get 'angry', I get 'hurt'. When I get deeply or severely hurt, I have this automated response which likens me to a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming 18-wheeler: I freeze up and shut down. Then, at the last minute: I run.

How this works is if I am in a room with someone and it happens, everything inside of me shuts down. I literally can't think straight and can't talk. I am immediately on 'autopilot' and the only thing I know to do is to leave. It is a primal instinct and one I am still working on gaining some control over.

In the meantime, I have learned from a counselor that it is actually a common behavior. That surprised me. I took a poll of single friends and guess what? Most of them do the same thing! That blew my mind.

The interesting thing about it is how the other person responds to it. In general, when a women displays this behavior it reads to a man that she is angry and giving him the silent treatment. He knows from experience that when that is the case, he is most certainly 'gonna get it' later.

So, when a woman has the freeze and flee issue, while she may not be giving the man the silent treatment, and may not be angry, and has no intention of laying into him later. . .the man assumes this is the case and responds accordingly.

He will pull away so he won't get attacked.

This hurts the woman further.

This cycle can be handled if the couple can discuss what is going on in a non-emotional way when they are both in a good mood. If the man can understand it is an automated response in the woman generated by hurt. . .and is willing to do what she needs him to do in order to help her get past it, things can change. In the meanwhile, the woman needs to find out how to gain control over that response and needs to make the appropriate changes. . .being patient with the man who is working with her on it.

If the couple communicates openly and regularly and both work on it, it can go from being a major issue to a minor inconvenience.


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