Dating vs Hanging Out

One singles site I belong to has frequently discussed the topic of Dating vs Hanging out, and of course, there are some very divergent views on the matter. What is interesting to me is that in the Ensign, a talk from a General Authority on that very matter was published. It is my understanding that if it comes from a General Authority we are to give it some weight.

Then, in the LDS section of About.Com, I found this list of dating ideas. Now, to me, most of them seem to be 'hanging out' type things. Personally, once I am involved with someone, I enjoy some hanging out stuff, and I think the point of the talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks was not to discourage it at that point in a relationship, but to make it very clear that it is not an acceptable means of dating in those early stages. It promotes, in those stages, laziness and a sense of familiarity which would not be appropriate. It also increases the risk for crossing boundaries as it is commonly done 'home alone'.

So, what are YOUR definitions of 'hanging out' and a 'date' and where do YOU draw the line between the two?

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FHE Ideas for the Family, Dates, Groups, Etc

Photo by Chance Agrella
As the self-titled Queen of Shortcut FHE Planning, I have found some great resources for quickly planning fun and interesting FHE lessons. I have shared a few of them below for your use. These are great for using with your own family, on dates, in groups, or whatever. Happy Planning!

Various Family Home Evening (FHE) Resources
Wanna do the Standing for Something FHE Lessons (based upon the book by Pres. Hinckley)? They are kid-friendly, all planned out, and can be found HERE

How about lessons based on the Family Proclamation? Click HERE for those.

or a set of 30 Fast and Easy FHE lessons may be found HERE

President Hinckley's 6 BE's FHE lessons HERE

A year of Primary Manual FHE lessons HERE

A year of SIMPLE Family Nights
HERE

Be Prepared FHE Lessons HERE

a huge list of teen oriented FHE lessons can be found HERE

A list of adult oriented FHE lessons can be found HERE


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Roles and Responsibilities

Photo by Lynn Davis

One of the sites I gig search on also has a blog about freelance writing. The latest post was about freelance writers not being understood or taken seriously. While it has been encouraging to see I am not alone in this struggle, something really disheartening happened, too.

Married woman after married woman is not getting support from her husband. They are getting grief about dinner not being on the table and the house not being spotless: but the men are NOT pitching in, they are NOT doing anything once THEIR job is done, and they tell their wives they can't quit their writing jobs because the income is needed.

These women are hurt, frustrated, and feel like they are being treated unfairly. I have to say I agree with them, and this very issue of roles and responsibilities is one I hit a wall about in dating time and time again.

Many men don't get 'what I do' all day and think 'cos I am home all day (WORKING, AHEM) that there is no reason why I could ever possibly get behind on anything around the house, or not have time to make 3-5 course meals daily.

Guess what? With all that is involved in running my own writing and consulting business, plus doing the actual work itself, including meeting deadlines and dealing with editors and rewrites; I put in more time working than most people. Just because my location is my home office, it doesn't mean I am not working, or can just drop everything to do other stuff: I mean seriously. . .can others do that from their office? Just stop in the middle of work and say, "well, time to put a pot roast in the oven, pick up the dry cleaning, and have some playtime with my kid. See ya later!" ? I think not. So why is it so hard to see that the same thing applies here?

Yes, if I do it right, when I can take a break, I can put something in the crockpot or play online for a few minutes. However, for the most part, I get so 'in the groove' when I am writing and have so much stuff I have to accomplish each day, that I cannot be distracted and I block out everything else. .. including the need to eat, dress for the day, etc.

Regardless of the location, work is work and sometimes I honestly don't think I will ever find a man who will 'get that' and be supportive of this if I need to work when we marry.

This brings up another disheartening issue I run into: the men who, having been burned, now believe they no longer need to be the provider for the family. They are seeking a 'legal-sex roomie' to split the bills with. They have no desire to make sure they can adequately provide for the family unit, and expect the woman to work a full-time job. Most of them also expect her to still do all those 'wife and mother' things as well like take care of the kids, cook, clean, run errands, etc.

That is so contrary to what we know to be true in the Gospel and so wrong on so many levels. . .and yet it is commonplace in the world of aged 30+ singles. This brings me to one more reason why I am thinking more and more that an eternal union created in this life on Earth just ain't in the cards for me.

That's ok. It isn't what I planned for my life, by any means. .. and it does create an ache in my heart over the potential that is lost. I have so much love and support and . . .well, I have so much to give. . .so much that I want and need to give that the reality of my life here being alone is a bit discouraging.

But, more than anything I know I am loved and that somehow someway it will all be made right. . so onward I trudge, hoping that I can show grace under fire, and return home to the loving arms of our Father in Heaven with honor.


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Men in Kilts: YEAH BABY!

I saw this video on yahoo today, and I must say, I LIKE IT! *They have removed the video that link went to. If it is available elsewhere I will fix that link. In the meanwhile, enjoy THIS substitute video.

Maybe it is some primal thing from my Greek ancestry about men showing some serious leg-age, but I dig men in kilts! I love seeing a man's legs, and I think kilts are just plain sexy. . .with a little bit of 'tease' tossed in.

Face it, the curiosity hits us all as to what is under the kilt (which is kinda sexy in and of itself). . .and they are long enough that LDS men can wear the appropriate undergarments and still show their schmokin' hot legs!

The benefits to the men wearing them are the non-restrictive feeling, the 'air-conditioning', the attention it generates, and the chance to be uniquely expressive as to who they are as an individual.

Ok, the best one is how many women are gonna go ga-ga over it! LOL

This is a really funny "MEN IN KILTS" type commercial. It is for alcohol, and I have to state here that I am NOT endorsing this product, alcohol, or the consumption of alcohol. I am, however, totally endorsing the concepts of men being men, and of men wearing kilts. *GRIN*Video courtesy of Youtube user Natterfly.

Just bear in mind if you are wearing a kilt, you can't really act out what they did in that video or this might be you.

Buy kilts online in the US: sportkilt


Buy kilts online from Scotland: KiltStore


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How Dating is Like Quidditch

I was watching our Harry Potter DVDs while I was catching up on paperwork, and it struck me how the game of Quidditch is a lot like the dating 'game'.

In Quidditch you have different playing positions and different balls. Each position seeks after a different ball and has a different goal in mind. So it is with each of us and dating. There are several different things sought in dating. . .and several different goals which may be accomplished.

First, we have the Beaters and the Bludgers. The Bludgers are like the slime of the dating world. They are the players, users, liars, con artists, octopuses, etc. These are the ones who are only interested in getting whatever they can at whatever cost. They attack their prey and intentionally hurt them. The Beaters would be those daters who continually seem to deal with and attract this type of person.

Secondly, we have the Chasers and the Quaffle. The Quaffle is like the fun date. This is the person who isn't looking for a commitment and just dates to have fun. The Chasers then would be those who seek that type of person, for they, too, only are dating to have fun.

Lastly, we have the Seeker and the Golden Snitch. Catch the Golden Snitch and the game is over. So it is with the dating game. The Golden Snitch would be a person whom is a great match for us. They are ready, willing, and able to commit and have their ducks in a row. Those who are Seekers are the people who are also ready, willing, and able to commit. . .have their own ducks in a row, and are dating with purpose: to marry and have a healthy, happy, eternal union.

So, what of the Keeper, you Potter fans may be asking. Well, in this scenario, the Keeper would be the Holy Ghost: protecting us from those who would try to 'score' against us and trying to help us keep our 'hoops' safe (or virtue in tact).

So, when it comes to dating, which position do YOU play?

Personally, I am a Seeker. . .well, I guess that means I am a Golden Snitch, too. LOL


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A Deer in the Headlights: or the Freeze and Flee Way

Photo by Chance Agrella
As a general rule, in relationships I don't get 'angry', I get 'hurt'. When I get deeply or severely hurt, I have this automated response which likens me to a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming 18-wheeler: I freeze up and shut down. Then, at the last minute: I run.

How this works is if I am in a room with someone and it happens, everything inside of me shuts down. I literally can't think straight and can't talk. I am immediately on 'autopilot' and the only thing I know to do is to leave. It is a primal instinct and one I am still working on gaining some control over.

In the meantime, I have learned from a counselor that it is actually a common behavior. That surprised me. I took a poll of single friends and guess what? Most of them do the same thing! That blew my mind.

The interesting thing about it is how the other person responds to it. In general, when a women displays this behavior it reads to a man that she is angry and giving him the silent treatment. He knows from experience that when that is the case, he is most certainly 'gonna get it' later.

So, when a woman has the freeze and flee issue, while she may not be giving the man the silent treatment, and may not be angry, and has no intention of laying into him later. . .the man assumes this is the case and responds accordingly.

He will pull away so he won't get attacked.

This hurts the woman further.

This cycle can be handled if the couple can discuss what is going on in a non-emotional way when they are both in a good mood. If the man can understand it is an automated response in the woman generated by hurt. . .and is willing to do what she needs him to do in order to help her get past it, things can change. In the meanwhile, the woman needs to find out how to gain control over that response and needs to make the appropriate changes. . .being patient with the man who is working with her on it.

If the couple communicates openly and regularly and both work on it, it can go from being a major issue to a minor inconvenience.


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Celestial Dating

As my dating experiences have grown, and as I have been observing more and more relationships around me that work. . .and don't, I have been refining the process by which I choose who to date and who to continue to invest time in.

Sometimes, it feels to the tender part of me, to be a heartless, cutthroat process. But, the intellectual side of me realizes it is a very necessary process if I truly want a celestial union/a relationship that is for eternity.

No one is perfect, but there are basic traits and qualities which are pre-requisites for attaining Celestial status. . .and having a truly eternal union. These are the things for which I screen. Many can be discerned before even going on a first date, but some generally aren't revealed until at least one date has occurred.

One of the most important factors for me to discern is the person's "staying power". This means I look at their track record for trying to make things work out and their commitment to making things work out. Are they quick to 'next' people? Are they quick to jump to conclusions and judge? Do they try to understand me and fix things in themselves which clash in our relationship. . .or do they expect me to cater to them? Do they seek to talk, listen, and openly communicate or do they cut and run at the first difficulty? Do they understand that working things out and making changes to benefit a relationship are all part of a healthy lasting relationship, or are they seeking some cardboard cutout who meets all their demands and fits their every wish on their list?

Another factor I find important to look at is their forgiveness quotient. Are they forgiving or do they hold grudges? Do they blame others for things or do they take responsibility for their own contributions: and then do something about it? How do they talk about and relate to their former spouse/date/girlfriend? How do they handle it when their kids make mistakes? Are they a doormat who just quietly puts up with stuff then explodes or lashes out later? Do they continually seek win/win situations or are they out for what will benefit them: not caring if anyone else benefits. . .or even worse, not being happy unless they are the only one who benefits?What do they do when they don't get their way or someone won't do what they want them to? Whining, manipulation, pouting, tantrums, threats, etc are deal-breakers to me.

Another thing I look for is how they treat others. Do they leave good tips? Do they run 'the help' ragged? Are they grateful and appreciative of what others do for them or do they act like it is expected that others serve them? Do they say 'Thank you', 'Please' and 'I'm Sorry', or do those words seem to be unknown to them? Do they actively show concern for me, my boundaries, my rights, my feelings, my overall welfare, and my safety?

I recently discovered there is a pattern amongst couples who have happy unions. . .which also was present in both relationships in my life where I was truly in love. In every case, once they began dating each other, the interest was mutually strong and clearly shown. Both treated each other with affection, concern, and made time for one another: from the start. Both gave one another a lot of time and attention, and never gave each other a reason to doubt, feel insecure, or to be suspicious.

So, if I go out with someone and their interest seems to then be only lukewarm or to decline at all, I walk. Lukewarm interest is not a hallmark of a lasting relationship, and frankly, isn't worth my time to pursue. Interestingly, I read this same 'advice' in a dating column a few days ago. . . a few days after I had my 'a-ha' moment. I deserve to be with and want to be with someone who is crazy about me: someone who recognizes and appreciates my worth. Nothing less will do. That is how it should be, and is what I have found to be present in every relationship that works. Why waste time trying to prove myself or convince someone I am worth their time? Chuh! My time is far too precious for that.

And what, you may ask, is the difference between that and being quick to 'next' someone? The difference, my friend, is that when one is quick to 'next' someone it is usually over something like not having all the facts and due to jumping to conclusions. It is usually motivated by selfishness: not practicality. For instance, I know some who will 'next' someone the first time they don't follow through exactly as specified. People are human and life happens. There can be many legitimate reasons why someone would be unable to keep any particular commitment. To not find out the facts first, or to make assumptions based upon what one thinks they see is not a Celestial behavior pattern. Recognizing that someone is 'just not that into you' and moving on to someone who is, shows clear thinking based in reality and reason. . . which is a Celestial behavior pattern. That is the difference.

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