What LDS Singles Want Others in the Ward to Know

Photo by Roxana Gonzalez
I was pointed to this article in LDS Living Magazine and I really enjoyed it. It is based upon a survey the writer did with LDS singles. The results, I believe, are pretty representative of the singles as a whole.

Ten things are listed, and they include items such as "No two singles are alike", "Most of us want to marry (for the first time or again), but we're not desperate to marry", "We love to serve in church callings and in other church-related volunteer capacities, but we often have less free time than others might think".

One that really stood out to me addressed the issue of the inactivity rate of LDS single/divorced/widowed men. It put some responsibility on the shoulders of the other men in the wards and stakes to help fellowship, friendship, and reactivate 'our men'.

Here is a link to the article:
What the Singles in the Ward Want the Rest of Us to Know by Debra Sansing Woods.

After you read the article, please check back in here and let us all know what you think of the list. Was it on or off? What would you add or take out?


SOURCE:

What the Singles in the Ward Want the Rest of Us to Know. Debra Sansing Woods. December 28, 2007. LDS Living Magazine (online)
(Accessed December 29, 2007)

How Do I Let Go of Love?

Photo by Lynn Davis
A dear friend of mine is going through a painful time that I can completely relate to. He has been madly in love with a woman who has now made it clear that their relationship will never be. He is devastated and asked how to 'kill' the love he feels for her. The pain is unbearable for him. I am on the tail-end of a 'losing love' experience, so I shared the following with him, based upon what I have been learning along the way:

Time. They say time heals all wounds. Time also allows us to grow, change, let go, and move on.

Acceptance. Its hard to accept that what we wanted to the very core of our being - what we believed in and worked for with all we had - will never be. In conjunction with Time, Acceptance will allow us to let go, and move on.

Reality Check. Sometimes, no matter how right something may seem or is; no matter how much we give and work and sacrifice; things still don't work out according to plan. That is part of life and has no bearing on who we are or our worth - unless we distort it into such.

When there is betrayal or some clear wrong doing it is easier to move on because we can use fault and blame, and we have something concrete to hold on to that explains why it didn't work out.

When there is no fault or blame - when it just 'is', it is gut-wrenchingly difficult to get past. As humans we like to tie up loose ends. We don't like unfinished business, and we like to resolve things. When something just 'is' there is no resolution - only acceptance that it 'is'.

Prayer for Peace. When there is no resolution, Praying for Peace is the tool that allows us to Accept and move on. Peace fills in those gaps left behind by the loose ends and unfinished business.

Bite-Sized Pieces. Taking it one day at a time sometimes seems like too much. If it has to be dealt with one moment or one breath at a time, it is ok. We only need to deal with what we have to when we have to. There is plenty of time, and there will be much growth along the way. We need to learn to be ok with that, and find things about the process to embrace. They are there - we just need to watch for them.

Live*Laugh*Love. Along the way, we need to allow ourselves to truly live again; to laugh and cry and mourn and feel joy; and we need to open ourselves up to loving again. Shutting ourselves down at first can be helpful in allowing the wound to scab over and to help us get some perspective. But we need to take care that we don't stay in that place - that we take one baby step at a time if necessary, back into living again.

In the movie Field of Dreams, there was a now much-quoted line, "If you build it they will come." Well, to put that into context for this, "If you allow it, you will heal." We are not being disloyal or showing our love to be any less real when we accept, let go, and move on. Real love accepts the other person and their agency. Real love also loves and respects ourselves and our right to happiness, too. It is a mark of true love, and emotional maturity to be able to put things into perspective and to allow ourselves to live, and to love, again.

I don't believe this will 'kill' love, but I do believe it will help existing love devolve into its proper place and perspective for the circumstances so a person can live and love again.

What do YOU do to let go of love?

The Formula for a Successful Marriage

Photo by Lynn Davis
Today, on the boards of a site I belong to, the debate raged (partly due to something I posted about men as the sole provider) about roles, responsibilities, and being equally-yoked in a marriage. In the midst of all of that, a friend pointed out this quote which I am sharing with you which is A simple formula for a successful marriage from President Kimball (1978):

"There is a never-failing formula which will guarantee to every couple a happy and eternal marriage; but like all formulas, the principal ingredients must not be left out, reduced, or limited. The selection before courting and then the continued courting after the marriage process are equally important, but not more important than the marriage itself, the success of which depends upon the two individuals—not upon one, but upon two.

In a marriage commenced and based upon reasonable standards as already mentioned, there are not combinations of power which can destroy it except the power within either or both of the spouses themselves; and they must assume the responsibility generally. Other people and agencies may influence for good or bad. Financial, social, political, and other situations may seem to have a bearing; but the marriage depends first and always on the two spouses who can always make their marriage successful and happy if they are determined, unselfish, and righteous.

The formula is simple; the ingredients are few, though there are many amplifications of each.

First, there must be the proper approach toward marriage, which contemplates the selection of a spouse who reaches as nearly as possible the pinnacle of perfection in all the matters which are of importance to the individuals. And then those two parties must come to the altar in the temple realizing that they must work hard toward this successful joint living.

Second, there must be a great unselfishness, forgetting self and directing all of the family life and all pertaining thereunto to the good of the family, subjugating self.

Third, there must be continued courting and expressions of affection, kindness, and consideration to keep love alive and growing.

Fourth, there must be a complete living of the commandments of the Lord as defined in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

With these ingredients properly mixed and continually kept functioning, it is quite impossible for unhappiness to come, misunderstandings to continue, or breaks to occur. Divorce attorneys would need to transfer to other fields and divorce courts would be padlocked."

Regardless of how a couple works things out or views 'roles and responsibilities', those elements President Kimball so eloquently addressed are crucial to the success of the marriage.

With that in mind, what is the most recent thing YOU have learned about being a partner to your future spouse?

Source:

Gospel Classics: Oneness in Marriage. President Spencer W. Kimball. Ensign, Oct 2002, 40

What Do I Have to Offer a Mate?

Photo by Chance Agrella
Perhaps the holidays are bringing this out more in the people around me, but a common theme I am coming across right now is people wondering what they have to offer a potential significant other. The list they formulate of ways in which they fall short can be great.

Most recently several male friends expressed some very deep and tender feelings about how they feel 'undesirable' as a mate due to financial/work situations they are each currently experiencing. They had other things on their lists, but the financial/work thing was at the top of both lists.

It breaks my heart to see anyone in such pain and isolating themselves, yet, in many ways I can understand where they are coming from.

I understand it is a little different for men than women, with the 'pressure' to be the provider and all . . .but many of us struggle with those same thoughts and feelings - wondering what on earth we have of any value to offer any one.

They say there is someone for everyone and they say there is a time and season for everything. I don't know what the answer is other than I know we all have value and worth in His sight - and sometimes that may have to be good enough (I am not being blasphemous here - I think you know what I mean).

Maybe that is part of it - learning how to let that be enough and to not worry so much about what society or our own insecurities and doubts say about our worth and value.

I am reminded of the book (I forget the author and title - I'll add it when it comes to me) which explained that just like the actual dollar amount of tithing we pay may be different from the dollar amount someone like Bill Gates would pay - it is all 10%. So, when we give of ourselves, it may not look the same as what others give - but if it is 100% of who we are and what we have, then it is sufficient, and all that we are expected and required to do.

How does YOUR list of what you have to offer compare with your list of how you fall short?

Teach the Children: Christ and Santa

Photo by ljsendoorn
One thing I did with my son as he was growing up to help keep Santa in the proper context was use this story: Teach the Children (it plays music, too)

One year, our RS made wooden trees with nails to hang wooden cutout ornaments on, and then gave us the list from the story of what each represented. Before that, I had store-bought things I used, and my son got to hang each on the tree as I read the story.

One year I created and sewed ornaments to go with the story, and gave it and the ornaments out to everyone.

We still read the story and do the ornaments each year. It is just one of several ways we try to keep the true Christmas Spirit in our home.

What things do YOU do to teach your children about the true meaning of Christmas?

Holidays and Family

Photo by Karin Wassdahl
Because the holidays are typically a time for family gatherings, I thought it appropriate to list some family resources in my post for today.

Whether it is learning how to build a stronger family unit in your own home, or learning how to deal with difficult extended family members, the church's website has some great info to help.

Building a Strong Family: A Few LDS Resources

Some of the categories covered are Husband and Wife, Parent and Child, and Individual Family Members.

May your holiday season be filled with peace, joy, love, and light!

LDS Single Adult Resources

Photo by Roxanna Gonzalez
There is a free relationship/dating class online from BYU - it is geared more towards youth/first time daters, but there is some great info in it:

BYU Online - Dating: Romance and Reason

Here is the full list of FREE BYU ONLINE COURSES

The church (LDS Family Services) offers relationship classes for free, and I think there is a manual for it that is available for about $3.

The church website lists some great info for single adults as well as info on how to contact the closest office to find out about the classes:

LDS Family Services - For Single Adults

A listing of various singles dating sites, and resources for singles activities/leaders is at the LDS Section of About.Com

Utah LDS Singles Hotline: 1-800-537-6726

Singles Activities Websites (Utah):
www.singles31.com
www.utahsingles31.com

Please add any other free or low-cost LDS Adult Singles resources YOU know about.

Thank you!