Too Picky . . . or Being Practical?

Photo by Chance Agrella
I have heard a lot of complaints from singles revolving around this idea that 'other' singles are 'too picky' and that is why they are still single. When asked about their own 'wish list', they balk.

This article was pointed out on a website I belong to, and while I totally agree with the concept, there is something lacking.

What the article is saying, in my perspective, is also what I say to those complaining about the 'too picky' thing. There is a difference between being 'too picky' and 'being practical'.

The things the article points out in the discussion about being too picky are all superficial or even shallow things. If we are looking for someone to build a lifetime or longer with, of course we should not be prioritizing such things.

However, when it comes to the things that revolve around our basic needs, or the foundation of creating and maintaining a lasting and happy relationship, there is no such thing as 'too picky'. You MUST have some serious discernment and discretion if you want to avoid divorce court.

There are certain personality and lifestyle traits in men which are simply not realistically well-suited for my needs. Some other women may well be able to compensate and tolerate. With my own life circumstances, it is not a matter of choosing to carry the weight in those areas or to be patient with them. The reality is that for a union with me to work, those things must not be present. My particular circumstances will not allow for them.

So, in weeding out men with those traits, I am not being 'picky', I am being 'practical'. See the difference?

As the article points out, a right match for us may not match at all the cardboard cut out based on fantasy we have created in our minds. What a blessing and wonder it is when you find someone who is 'everything you never knew you always wanted' (paraphrased from the movie 'Fools Rush In').

Also as the article pointed out, if we want to increase our chances for even finding a right match, we MUST broaden our horizons and open our minds.

Before we do any of that, though, it is crucial that we make ourselves a good partner first. If we don't have that cargo ship filled with steamer trunks down to one carry-on (emotional 'baggage' reference), we need to take a step back and fix ourselves before we subject others in the dating world to the train wreck that is us.

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Men Just Want to Make Women Happy

Photo by Chance Agrella
As dumb as it may sound, there is something I didn't really 'get' until a few days ago. It is just how much men just really want to make women happy. It was when I was listening to those wonderful voicemail messages the other day, that it 'clicked' for me. In the days since, I have observed many more instances of this, and have been amazed at what I have seen.

Dr. John Gray, author of Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, has a few fun and interesting clips available on Youtube.

In one of them he addresses this very concept in a most entertaining and enlightening way:


He quickly addresses the happiness issue here:


And, for those men who feel a bit clueless as to how to make women happy, here is one last clip which explains 'Venusian Scoring'. Very funny . . .and very true.


I honestly don't think women notice and appreciate this aspect of men nearly enough. The story Dr Gray shared about the clean kitchen and glass on the counter is something I, myself, have very much been guilty of across the span of my life.

Though in recent years, I have developed a much greater 'attitude of gratitude' generally speaking, it is only in the past few days I have realized how much I need to work on fully recognizing and appreciating the men in my life and all the wonderful things they do just to see me smile and make me happy.

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Women Make More Money . . .and Don't Listen to Men

Photo by Chance Agrella
I caught this video on CNN and was appalled by how these two women were behaving. This man was trying to explain some great information, and these two women were so caught up in being defensive women's libbers, they didn't really hear one word he said. They jumped all over him, and were totally demeaning to men.

Ladies, SHUT UP! Seriously. It is hard enough to get men to open up. When you behave like THAT, it only encourages them even more to not talk to us.

Women like you tick off women like me.

The point he was trying to make at the end is that men would like women to understand how to 'turn off' that 'CEO' and 'Business Woman' when with men outside of the workforce, and 'turn on' their 'woman' mode.

Ladies, there is a difference, and if you swallow your false 'women are superior' pride for a minute, you will see that, too.

Women today wear many hats, and have to shift gears all the time. This is just one more gear shift; so why the games, arguing, and debate about it? Is the truth and reality so hard to swallow?

Good grief!

I like my men to leave work at work and be 'my man' when they are with me. Why should this be any different with men wanting their women to be their women and leave their work at work?

I get so tired of men being crucified for being gentlemen, and for wanting women to be ladies.

On a positive note, though, it is a great example of poor communication skills. *laugh*

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You Are . . .Enough.

Photo by Roxana Gonzalez
Sometimes in dating, our ego and self-worth can take a serious beating. I, too, have had times when I have struggled with feeling like I was 'enough'.

I had a series of several men I was involved with who raved to me and everyone they knew about how wonderful I was to them and to their children. They spoke of what a blessing I was to their life, and how my presence had changed it for the better. They stated more than once that no one had ever loved them as I had, and they knew no one ever could. They said they never felt more loved than when they were loved by me.

And yet, none of these relationships resulted in marriage. In every case, the man involved, though he said all of those things, still found some 'flaw' in being with me that totally nullified everything else, in his mind.

In essence, I was not 'enough'.

It has been an interesting journey for me to come to realize that in those relationships it was not that I was not enough. It wasn't even about me. In every case, the man involved had a 'ghost' or 'demon' in his life to deal with; and in every case, dealing with that (or not) is the heart and cause of what broke us up. My imperfection or imperfect life just got to be the convenient excuse.

It's frustrating, but understanding that helped me to get back on even ground again. I have learned that each and every one of us, in all of our imperfect glory, is 'enough' for someone. It is just a matter of finding them. There are many of them out there. We just have to learn to recognize them when they come along, and also recognize that they, too, in all their imperfections, are 'enough'.

This is a little video message of upliftment I wanted to share on this theme:

A TRIBUTE TO THE BEAUTIFULLY IMPERFECTLY ENOUGH YOU


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How Much is YOUR Word Worth?

Photo by Chance Agrella
When you tell someone you are going to do something, how good are you at following through on that, in a timely manner, no matter what?

Did you know that if you habitually procrastinate, break your word, or put other things ahead of following through, you are saying something very negative about yourself and shooting yourself in the foot when it comes to dating?

What you are saying is that you cannot be relied upon or trusted. This makes you unappealing in the dating world, and certainly shows you to not be good partner material.

Everything we do and say goes beyond the surface. It all forms patterns which reveal who we truly are, and what we truly value.

What do YOUR words and actions say about YOU?


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To All the Men I've Loved Before

Photo by Chance Agrella
I got one of those nasty 'your voicemail box is full ' messages today, so I took some time and went through the plethora of voicemail messages I had.

WOW!

I had messages dating clear back to July and I couldn't believe the creativity, kindness, and sexiness exuded in so many of them.

I LOVE MEN.

These messages included singing, funny fake accents, clever references to something unique to us or to my voice mail messages, jokes, compliments, and just downright sexy flirtatious talk (nothing R-rated).

I listened to these messages and I found myself laughing . . .and so very touched. I re-saved some of them, even though a few of those were from men who are no longer in my life. The creativity, kindness, and humor was just too precious to erase.

I guess it could be bittersweet; but I find myself just incredibly amazed at how blessed I have been, at some point in time, to have had the attention and affection of each of these amazingly charming men.

So, in the spirit of showing my appreciation to these men; and to all men who do those sweet, funny, sexy, tender little things in order to please, tease, love, and intoxicate us ladies, I offer the music video tribute below.

Thank you for being so awesome!

I LOVE MEN by EARTHA KITT

video courtesy of youtube user privatedancer74

To hear a better version of the song, click HERE


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Communication and Selflessness: The Heart of A Happy Eternal Union

Photo by Roxana Gonzalez
A friend and I were discussing what makes a happy eternal union: and what partnership qualities are. We boiled it down to two things: communication and selflessness. I think both are absolutely necessary, and have equal importance. Without either, you have the makings of a divorce.

What is Communication?
The technical definition of communication is:

1. The act of communicating; transmission.
2. a. The exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, writing, or behavior.
b. Interpersonal rapport.
c. The art and technique of using words effectively to impart information or ideas.

I really like the one which states that communication is 'the art and technique of using words effectively to impart information or ideas' (italics added for emphasis.

When it comes to human relationships, being effective in communication can be a tricky thing. Not only do we need to be sure we are saying what we mean, and meaning what we say, but we also have to ensure we are communicating in a way in which the recipient can clearly understand us and what we truly mean. Sometimes we are like the person speaking in Greek to the person who only understands French; or the person speaking on a PhD level to the person who only comprehends on a 2nd Grade level.

As the presenter of the information, we have a responsibility to ensure we are speaking in a way the recipient clearly understands.

As a recipient of information, our responsibility is similar. We need to be sure we are really listening rather than putting our own filters on what is being said. We need to hear the speaker, and not get lost in our own internal voice critiquing and answering the information which is being relayed, as it is being relayed. We also need to ask questions, using techniques such as paraphrasing and parroting to open the door for the speaker to clarify anything we have not understood.

Parroting is the act of repeating back, like a parrot, verbatim what you have heard. It shows you were carefully listening, however it doesn't illustrate what was heard was understood.

Paraphrasing is the technique of putting what the speaker said into your own words, and then repeating it back to them. This not only indicates that you carefully listened, but it also can highlight what was understood and what was not. This gives the speaker an opportunity to clear up any misunderstandings.

Simple acknowledgments ('yeah', 'ok', 'uh huh') have their time and place, but are not enough in the full scope of effective communications. It is not enough to hear the words being spoken. We must hear and understand the meaning of the speaker which lies beneath the vocabulary.

Another critical aspect of effective communication is that of openness and honesty. For us to achieve a happy and eternal union, we must not only be open and honest with each other, but we must first and foremost be open and honest with ourselves. We cannot be honest with others if we are deceiving ourselves. If we are deceiving ourselves, we are building our relationship upon a foundation of sand, and it will eventually come crashing down around us.

Open, honest, and effective communication is the foundation of trust, and virtually eliminates all opportunities for the spirit of contention to enter into our union.


What is Selflessness?

Technically, selflessness is defined as:

1. the quality of unselfish concern for the welfare of others [syn: altruism] [ant: egocentrism]
2. acting with less concern for yourself than for the success of the joint activity

Selflessness is a crucial aspect of genuine love, and of creating a happy eternal union. When we put our partner's welfare and best interest first: ahead of what we want and need, we have won half the battle. If our partner also is doing the same, what do we have to contend about or worry about?

When we selflessly love our partner it is reflected in our words and actions to them and away from them. Our own happiness is rooted in theirs. We seek to find ways to serve them, give to them, sacrifice for them, meet their needs, love them, care for them, and protect them.

Our thoughts and heart is centered in their needs and welfare. If they fail to meet a need of ours, our thoughts do not focus on this, and then go to what we are going to withhold from them because of it. Selflessly loving our partner is only selfless when it is also without condition. When conditions are placed upon it, selfishness is rearing its ugly head.

SOURCES:

communication. Dictionary.com. The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/communication (accessed: October 07, 2007).

selflessness. Dictionary.com. WordNet® 3.0. Princeton University. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/selflessness (accessed: October 07, 2007).


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