The Right Reasons

Photo © Lynn Davis

I heard from a friend today who is feeling a bit stressed in her relationship. The only thing I knew to tell her was as follows:

"Relationships are complicated. Especially when you are serious about wanting to be part of an amazing long-term relationship - and marriage. The only fast and hard rule I have ever learned about relationships is that I have to be honest with myself and my partner about who I am, what I need, and whether who they are and what our relationship is matches up with me and what I need - and vice versa. Sometimes I just cannot be who they need or give what they need. It can really stink to be alone, but it stinks worse to be frustrated and stressed all the time.

In my time away from dating, I have experienced a bit of a detoxification/cleansing. While I would still love to be part of an amazing relationship, I see how much I sacrificed for bad causes and how much of myself I lost in the process. We each deserve to be with someone who is a great match for us who puts as much if not more into creating with us a beautiful and lasting relationship. We each deserve to be with someone who puts us ahead of themselves and who is as serious about creating that loving, selfless, mutually-rewarding relationship as we are. Nothing less is right.

Most people are not honestly at that point in their development. It doesn't make them bad - it just makes them not ready yet. Each of us has to decide if waiting it out and working it out is a beneficial or hurtful thing to the end goal - and to our own happiness. No one else can decide that for us.

I wish I had magic words to say to give you comfort, and strength, and answers. All I can say is that I believe in you, and I know that in your heart you know what the right thing, in this moment, is for you. You know your own heart, your own mind, and your own strength. Trust that.

Its okay to stick out tough times - if you are doing it for the right reasons.
Its okay to walk away - if you are doing it for the right reasons.
The right reasons are the ones that bring true and lasting happiness.

You are a brilliant, beautiful, kind, generous, loving woman. You have amazing strength, wisdom, and courage. I know you can do anything you put your mind to doing. I think you deserve to do those things that put a twinkle in your eyes, and give you that glow of joy - whatever they may be."

I think that too many people, myself included, can lose sight of what is really important in the quest for love.

What do YOU think?

Doing the Right Thing

Photo by Lynn Davis
I once dated someone who was a fabulous guy in many ways. He also had some serious 'issues' that needed to be addressed. His family intervened at the same time I had made some discoveries about certain things that were going on.

I stopped seeing him months ago, but he has continued to try to be a part of my life. The good things between us were amazing. But his baggage is overwhelming. It could be dealt with and brought to a tolerable level - if he made the choice to do so. But, he wants to have his cake and eat it, too, and I am nobody's 'cake'.

Earlier today (Friday) he called, but didn't leave a message. It's been a while since he last tried to get into my life, and I thought perhaps he was finally over it. Apparently not.

He is a total extrovert, and extroverts need to be around others to feel alive. He takes it to the extreme of being unwilling to let anyone - including his former wives and girlfriends, out of his world. I have no problem being friends with men I used to date. I am still on friendly terms with most of them, and good friends with a few of them.

Sometimes, though, it is appropriate to let go. It doesn't have to be ugly or hateful - but the relationship does need to be severed, for whatever reason. This is one of those cases, and despite telling him that previously, he still persists in his attempts to keep me as part of his life. His behavior and choices are simply too toxic for that to be a good idea.

So, now I am in the position of having to decide which unpleasant option I am going to utilize to deliver the killing blow to the continuing contact. I know whatever I do will hurt him, but I also know it must be done. I am not the type to intentionally hurt anyone, but I am also not the type to allow this kind of thing to go on.

So, tonight I cry for what I know I must do - for having to hurt someone in order to 'do the right thing'. Just because something is the right thing to do doesn't mean it is the easy or pleasant thing to do.

Hang 'Em High

Photo by Chance Agrella
Over the years, I have learned a few thing about dating and relationships, and one of the most important has been to trust my instincts.

For a long time, if I suspected I was being lied to/played, I would confront the man. Now, I HATE confrontations but I am a very direct person and I see no reason to play games or not get answers when there are inconsistencies.

However, in direct mode, the 'discussion' would frequently turn heated, with me being accused of not giving them the benefit of the doubt; of me 'projecting' onto them what men before them did; etc.

What I learned from this is that liars and cheaters will say and do anything to place the blame elsewhere rather than fess up and take responsibility. So, all that has been accomplished is an argument was started, I was left feeling badly and attacked, and at times I had a nagging doubt that maybe they were right, but never got to find out if I was right about my suspicions.

I changed my strategy, and the new one works quite well. No confrontation required. . .and no doubts about what the truth is.

The new strategy is called GIVE EM ROPE. This means when they tell you things that you doubt, just accept it for the moment. Ride it out and observe. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Don't tune out your suspicions, but keep them in check for the time being.

At this point, they have two options. They can make a hammock with the rope, or they can make a noose. In other words, they can show they have been honest with you by their words and deeds (making a hammock) or they can show you they have been lying to you/playing you (making a noose).

Time will bear out the truth either way. This way, you are not the doubter that drives them away (why should YOU take the blame for their lies?) and they will slink off into the sunset like the slimy snake they are once they are shown for who and what they are.

If it turns out you were mistrustful for no good reason, it is a good sign to you that you need to get some counseling so you can get past whatever issues you have.

Either way, it is a win/win situation.


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Cliff Diving

Photo by Leland Davis
A woman was on a journey to bliss. Along the way she would come to crossroads, and when she did a Guide would appear. He would give her information which would allow her to make an informed decision as to which way to go next.

Sometimes she listened closely to his advice. Sometimes she did not. Sometimes she stood at the crossroads for a long time before moving forward along one path or the other. Other times she would impulsively race down whichever path struck her fancy at the time.

Regardless, the Guide was always there to help her if she wanted it.

One bright summer's day, she reached yet another crossroads. She could see that one road led to more of the same scenery she had become accustomed to. The other path only went about 10 feet before ending at a cliff's edge.

"Surely," she thought, "this choice is easy. Stay on the path I am on!" When she began to take a step forward, the Guide appeared. She smiled and thought he would tell her she was, of course, doing the right thing.

The guide told her she needed to take the other path. He told her it was the best path for her to take to reach her destination.

She pointed out it ended at a cliff's edge. There was nowhere to go but off the edge. The Guide smiled and told her she needed to dive off the edge of the cliff.

She cautiously approached the edge of the cliff and looked down. All she could see was fog. There was no way to know how long the drop was. . .or what was waiting at the bottom. There might be a deep pool of water. . .or jagged rocks. She couldn't even tell if it was a straight shot or if there were ledges and rocks sticking out which would injure anyone diving downward.

She queried the Guide. How safe would she be if she dove off? His face became somber. "You will be hurt on the way down. There are rocks and ledges along the way which will toss you too and fro. . .and leave you a bit battered and bruised. But if you take this leap, you will be better off for it. You will be ok when you hit the bottom, and closer to your destination than you would be otherwise. This is the best path for you. The other path will only bring you pain and sorrow. I promise you that it will be worth it, and you will be ok if you take the leap."

She carefully considered the guide's words. He had never lied to her or led her astray. Still, that cliff-diving thing was really scary. And he told her she would get hurt on the way. He told her it would not be a pleasant trip downward. But he also had assured her it would be worth it, and she would be ok.

Quivering with fear, the woman closed her eyes and took the leap. As she fell downward, she felt someone taking her hand. She opened her eyes and saw her Guide. . .he looked in her eyes and smiled.

"I have always been by your side. You just never noticed me until you had a problem you needed help with. First it was only at crossroads. Now, as you take this leap of faith, you again need me . . .to comfort you, to ease your fears, and to tend to your wounds. This is why I could promise you that you would be ok on your dive. I was going to be with you every moment of the way."

When we are required in life to take leaps of faith. . .do we remember that He is always on those leaps with us, or do we mistakenly think we will be alone on the way to the bottom?
{{HUGS}}

~Dani who is the woman in this story.



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The Lesson of the Tree

Photo by Leland Davis
I watched a tree today, bending with the wind. I noticed how when the gusts came along, some of the branches lifted Heavenwards. . their leaves turned upward shimmering with light, as they lightly swayed with the wind.

Other branches seemed to desperately bend towards the earth. . their leaves not showing light. . .and quaking violently as they tried to fight the wind.

We are like the branches of that tree. When the winds of trials come, do we turn our leaves (faces, thoughts, minds, and hearts) Heavenward. . .and as a result sway lightly WITH the wind?

Or do we turn towards the world, rejecting the light and trying in vain to hold to all things worldly and our own strength. . . only to be violently shaken in our trials?



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