Saying 'Goodbye' Pt 2: Procrastination is Cruel

So the friend who convinced me to write the previous 'goodbye' post and I were talking about it, and guess what? I missed a very important issue in my post. So, here it is:

When you procrastinate saying 'Goodbye' you are being horrendously cruel.

Think about it. While you are hemming and hawing and putting it off, what is the other person doing? They are building their hopes up on there being a relationship with you. They are letting their walls down, and allowing some feelings to develop for you.

They are becoming more susceptible to a deeper hurt. . . all because YOU are putting off doing something you should have done the moment you realized it: been honest with them.

Is this really the character you want to establish for yourself? Is this who you are or want to be: someone who is this insensitive and cruel? Of course not.

TELL THEM GOODBYE.

No more excuses, no more justifications and rationalizations. No more putting it off.

Do the right thing and spare them any further and deeper heartbreak.

Again, breakups are not a big deal unless you make it one. Breakups are all just part and parcel of the dating process and if handled maturely and with kindness, there is no reason why both parties can't say goodbye on good terms and move forward seamlessly.

There will always be some 'goodbyes' which are more disappointing than the others. But, that, too, is part of the process. All of it is leading up to the awesome and amazing relationship ahead: the one we will one day be in and looking back upon all the breakups wonder why we allowed ourselves to get so shook up over them.

And, again, if you are the recipient of the 'goodbye', take it in stride. Be grateful you found out sooner rather than later; and that they had the class, kindness, and maturity to tell you rather than go 'poof' on you. Realize this is bringing you one more step closer to the person you really want to be with who really wants to be with you, and revel in that.

It's all about the attitude, babes.


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How to Say 'Goodbye': By Request

To the friend who has requested I write this particular blog: "BITEME" and "Pfffffftttttt" are the two things that have popped into my mind as I ponder how to address this most delicate subject. Clearly you have more faith in my ability to show a modicum of diplomacy and tact than I do.

*SIGH*

Well, here goes nothing.

In dating, until you find the person you want to spend all of eternity with, whom also wants to spend all of eternity with YOU, there will always be someone who has to say, "Goodbye".

It's not fun, it's not easy, and let's face it: it just plain stinks (yeah, notice I didn't say "sucks"? I did that just for YOU, buddy. . .pffffft)

The most important thing here is that you DO say, "Goodbye". No being a slimy coward and either hoping they 'get the hint' by your evasive non-committal behavior while you string them along or leaving them wondering because you went 'poof'. (Yeah, buddy, that was for you, too. . .rofl)

"Yet each man kills the thing he loves,
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!"

The Ballad of Reading Gaol, by Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)


In other words; say it firmly, clearly, and with finality.


Something that has worked really well for me, when the men involved actually had the huevos to follow through, was an upfront agreement between the two of us to let the other know the moment we felt it was no longer working for us. With that upfront agreement in place, it was so much easier and painless to say it wasn't working. It seemed that with that agreement there also came an attitude of it not being a big deal if it wasn't working and we needed to part ways. That took so much pressure off us. It made it a painless parting of ways. Seriously.

So, whether there is an arrangement in advance or not, just how do you tell the person you are dating that you are no longer interested?

Well, first off, there are a few things NEVER to say.

"It isn't you, it's me" and "Let's be friends" (or something of that nature) are two of them. Those lines are overused, cliche, vague, borderline insulting, and lame.

When it comes to saying the farewells, it is actually a kindness to say it clearly and be done with it. There is nothing kind about dropping vague hints, going poof, or stringing someone along. Those behaviors are cowardly, immature, selfish, and cruel. Is that who you are? No? Then be a grown up and show some kindness and respect for the feelings and needs of the other person and tell them what is on your mind. Seriously.

How you say your adios may be colored by your particular situation, but some good basic lines are:

"I'm really sorry, but this isn't working for me any longer, and we need to end this."
"I promised you I would let you know if this stopped being a good thing for me. That time has come, and I am really sorry."

Consider this, as well: if you cannot show a simple courtesy to someone you are dating; if you cannot consider the feelings and needs of the person you are dating; if you cannot put being kind to someone else ahead of being a chicken (doing for yourself); if you cannot formulate simple words such as, "I am sorry but this is no longer working for me." what on earth makes you think you are even remotely ready for a relationship or marriage to begin with? In a marriage there are a lot more difficult things you will have to discuss over the years, and you absolutely have to always put the needs and feelings of someone else ahead of your own.

Having said that, there is some final gender-based advice I must leave you with.

Gentlemen, it is of the utmost importance that you make your goodbye final, firm, and clear for a reason aside from the one stated above. We ladies have a tendency to read hope into situations where we can find even the most minute shred of an opening. We also have this sick inborn need to 'fix' people, so whatever you do, do NOT make it sound like you or the situation is something which can be 'fixed'.

Ladies, if the man finds the courage to say, 'buh-bye' to you, for Pete's sake, tell him 'thank you', count your lucky stars, and move on. Spare him and yourself the waterworks, hysterics, and drama. He isn't for you. No, he really isn't. . .he just told you so. Move on. No looking back allowed.

Breakups are not the end of the world. If you think about it, they really are just the beginning of the great and permanent relationship that is out there ahead of you. You may have to go through many 'goodbyes' until you get to the 'I Do's, but so what? The only thing that matters is what you do with your experiences to make yourself the best partner you can be for the wonderful person out there looking for you.


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Well, You ARE Wrong: But it Isn't About Right or Wrong

There is something I am experiencing in dating and relationships, which I am still wrapping my head around: so please bear with me here.

Sometimes there is a situation that needs to be discussed. The person you are with does something which comes across like or feels rude, hurtful, insensitive, etc. They may have done something which is truly socially unacceptable.

Now, if you are never going to see them again, you can either tell them in the spirit of helping them out, or you can not say a word to them because you feel it isn't your place and doesn't matter anyway since you won't have to deal with it again.

However, if you want to see them again, you have to either learn to live with it, or speak up. If it is especially grating on your nerves, insensitive, rude, or otherwise annoying, it should not be a big deal to have a calm adult discussion about it, right?

WRONG! The minute you bring it up, the reaction you may more than likely get, based upon my own personal experience, is one of them going on the defensive and classing you as a nag or as being critical of them.

HELLO! In relationships, there will always be little quirks we need to be able to talk about and work out. If you are doing something which hurts or insults the person you are with, should you not have some modicum of concern about that? Should you not desire to correct that, and to be informed about it so you can correct it?

And here is a newsflash: it isn't about 'Right or Wrong'; but Sweetie, if you are being a social moron, treating your date with disrespect, or being otherwise rude and annoying; guess what? YOU ARE IN THE WRONG and need to fix it.

Don't even attempt to blame or label them. Suck it up, be an adult, and fix it. . .then move forward. Appreciate the fact they had the courage and maturity to let you know, because it is NOT an easy thing to do. Recognize that they have just displayed an amazing partner quality to you. . . and do the same back by gracefully and maturely making the needed change.

We ALL have times when we are the ones in the wrong and need to fix ourselves and our behavior. It is truly not a big deal unless you are an egomaniac with a huge pride issue. And, if that's the case, Honey, you have bigger issues to deal with than your date being unhappy with you at the moment.

And if you are the one who needs to speak up, use diplomacy, tenderness, and tact. DON'T BE LIKE ME, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! I am far too blunt, and am struggling with learning how to be 'direct with much tenderness'. Frankly, I suck at it and sometimes wonder if it is a lost cause . . .but I am still hanging in there trying to tame my mouth. *SIGH*

It is my own personal Jericho Mile.

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Kissing and Touch

Photo by Chance Agrella

Having not been raised in the church it sometimes gives me some interesting perspectives on things. I am very comfortable with touch and recognize that there are many types of touch. Only one type of touch is sexual. One is sensual. One is friendly. One is nurturing/comforting. One is abusive. The list goes on.

As single adults, we are very limited in what we can do physically (and sexually) as we get to know others, assess them as potential mates, and build relationships. There are some great general guidelines which absolutely should be adhered to.

Some try to debate it, but it has been clearly stated that certain things are to be reserved for marriage: "French" (tongue) kissing is one of those things. In church guidelines it is covered under the 'passionate kissing' umbrella which also covers 'making out' or any type, length, or form of kissing which unleashes passionate feelings and drive.

In matters of affection and bonding, you can absolutely share kisses that are pleasing, sensual, affectionate, and wonderful without crossing that line.

This applies also to touch. We are not to touch private parts under or above clothing of ourselves or others (this refers to stimulation, not cleansing or medical purposes). One suggested guideline has been 'The Swimsuit Rule'. This rule is that any area covered by a modest swimsuit is not to be touched, kissed, fondled, caressed, etc. A more stringent rule is 'The Garment Rule' which is that any area which would be covered by the sacred garment (worn by worthy members), it is not to be touched, kissed, fondled, etc. Which rule is used, it is my understanding, is left up to the individuals involved. The basic thing is to be sure that private parts are left alone and that nothing is done of a sexual nature or which would create arousal.

Now, for some this would seem 'boring'. To them I say, first, there are still plenty of ways to have 'fun' and be 'safe'; and second, I would much rather have some 'boring' than a confessional discussion with my Bishop (clergy) any day of the week! I mean seriously. . . how many people want to sit in front of their clergy and detail their love/sex life in the context of how they allowed their passions to get the better of them. . .which includes explaining what the exact transgression is? NOT I!!!

So back to 'fun' and 'safe' kissing and touch. I have found there seems to be this weird idea set in our religious culture that either all touch bad or that all touch is sexual. Neither is true.

In dating, I run into men, frequently, who seem to think any allowed touch on my part is a sign that I am loose. They then proceed to either freak out and think I am going to molest and seduce them, or they think they then have license to attempt to molest and seduce me.

Is there not a happy medium in there anywhere?

So, here is my Dani version of LDS Sex Ed 101

1-Hand-holding does not mean there will be sex (or making out).

2-A man's arm around a woman does not mean there will be sex (or making out).

3-One sweet kiss does not constitute making out, nor does it mean there will be making out (or sex).

4-Hugging, snuggling, and cuddling are all innocent forms of physical touch. They can mean nurturing, comfort, friendship or affection. They do not mean there will be making out or sex.

5-Stop reading sex and making out into every look, phrase, gesture, touch, and kiss. If clothes start coming off or the offer is made, THEN you can start to think maybe sex is on their mind. Until then, just take it for what it is: a simple touch or kiss.

6-If you get instant arousal from someone touching you in the most innocent way in a totally appropriate place, I would say them seducing you is not the problem you should be worrying about.

7-Learn to enjoy innocent touch and simple sweet kisses. Learn to focus on affection rather than arousal. It makes the whole abstinence before marriage issue much easier to live with when you are an active dater. Trust me on this. Continually reading sex and making out into everything will make you crazy, insult your dates, and make you come across like a total prude, a total freak, or a total pervy: none of which is what I think you want.

Innocent Touch: A Few Examples

A hug; holding hands; walking arm in arm; an arm around the other person; a hand massage; a foot rub; a kiss on the forehead; a kiss on the cheek; a kiss on the tip of the nose; a kiss on the back of the hand; a kiss on the palm of the hand; a kiss on the wrist; a scalp massage; a temple massage; lotion rubbed on elbows, feet, and hands; gently touching/caressing the other person's face/cheek; a shoulder and neck massage (clothed); and butterfly kisses (fluttering your eyelashes on the other person's face/cheek).

Kissing Styles

There is more than two types of kissing. The two I run into the most are the closed-lip pucker (the kind of kiss you give your sweet grandmother); and the fully-opened mouth, tongue down the throat, face being sucked off.

Ya know, there is a LOT to be said for lips. Lips are good. Reserve that tongue for marriage and save those puckers for Granny. If you are going to take the risk of being rejected or slapped, make it a good kiss. Make it a nice kiss. Make it memorable. Make it mean something.

Slightly parted lips, gently but firmly exploring and teasing the other person's lips is a good thing. You can have sweet exploratory kisses that don't get out of control. You can kiss as a means of showing affection and not have it be sexual or turn into a make out session. Seriously. I speak from experience.

Even hot-blooded passionate people can master these concepts. Again, I speak from experience.

I hope this has helped edu-ma-cate and enlighten my fellow LDS Singles on how to enjoy our limits without getting into trouble.

Happy Dating!

~Dani, Dating Diva Extraordinaire (not really, but it sounded good! lol)

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Can You Freakin Hear Me NOW?

Photo by Chance Agrella

It is no secret to those who know me in real life that I hate cell phones with a passion. I loathe, detest, and despise them. More and more people are opting for cellular phones instead of land lines, and this is making me crazy. If I have to ask or hear, 'CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?' one more time I think I am going to cut off an ear.

So, imagine my state of being perturbed when I am on a date and my date decides to USE HIS CELL PHONE while we are ON THE DATE. Was it urgent? Was it to check on children or because there was a family emergency? Nope. It was to chit-chat with various family members.

You have no idea how tempted I was to grab the stupid thing out of his hand and chuck it out the window as we cruised at 75 mph down I-15. If it had not been for the fact I was securely seat-belted in and I would have had to lay across him to grab it, I just might have done it.

Why wouldn't I lay across him? I don't give 'freebies' ;-p

Gentlemen, (and I am using that term loosely here for some of you), when you are on a date, you are on HER time. Show her the courtesy of respecting that and turning off your electronics from hell. We are not impressed by your gizmos, but we are impressed with the attention and courtesy you show us.

We don't care that your I-pod can play in your car unless you are giving us some say in the musical selection. We don't care that your cell phone has special extra features. . . we just want the blasted thing turned OFF while you are with us.

Ladies, this works in reverse, too. Keep your cell phone OFF and save your date-review with your friends for when the date is over and you are home alone.

Not only has common sense died, but apparently common courtesy has died, as well.

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The Wife-Skills Interrogation

Being a writer, I have learned that its far more effective to 'interview' people in such a way that they do not feel interviewed. They are more likely to give more complete and honest answers when they feel comfortable, relaxed, and safe. People do not feel those things when they feel like they are being interrogated.

In dating, I sometimes run across men who attempt to put me through the Wife-Skills Interrogation. This line of questioning consists entirely of assessing my wifely skills. There is no interest in getting to know me, even though they insist that is what the interrogation is about. They are clearly only interested in how I will serve them as their wife. . .and nothing else. I suspect they have some Donna Reed fantasy about what running a household entails, and what being a wife means.

To those men I give my Greek Grandmother's rude Greek hand-gesture and a firm, 'Buh-bye' as I shut the door in their face. I also offer this little musical Reality Check.

These men are soooo not worth my time.

I am far more than my ability to cook and clean and any man that doesn't have the sense to see women as more than that is not a man I want to spend my precious and limited time with.

Interrogating women about their ability to iron shirts, cook pot roast, and bear young is akin to women interrogating men about how much money they make, how good they are with tools, and how they 'perform'.

Seriously. . .it is rude, sexist, and shows truly messed up priorities.

Yes, there are things to find out about each other: LOTS of things. The problem is when 'wife' and 'hubby' skills are the only things questions are being asked about. When the priority is to find out what kind of 'wife' or 'hubby' a person will be, rather than what kind of character the person has. . .divorce is not far behind.

You want someone to iron your shirts, clean your house, and cook for you? Hire a housekeeper.

You want legal sex? Try the Nevada Yellow Pages.

You want someone to 'bear your young'? Get a surrogate.

You want someone to care for your children? Hire an au pair.

But if you want a partner to share life with; someone to love and be loved by; someone to talk with and laugh with and play with and work with; someone to build an eternity with. . . gimme a call sometime *WINK*

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I Don't Need a Man

Photo by Lynn Davis

I posted on another site the following:

"You Need a Man to Take Care of You

I got told that the other day, and I laughed. . .and then agreed.
There was a time when I found statements like that insulting and offensive.

The way I take it now is that:

Yes, I absolutely need a partner to help me and carry some of the burdens which I cannot carry myself or alone.

Yes, I could absolutely use help, support, and those special things that only a man can bring to a life in mortality and to a home and family.

Yes, I would LOVE a man permanently entrusted with the sacred duty of wrapping his arms around me when I need to cry because I need to be comforted while I cry; and tickling, face rubbin, and kissing me mercilessly when I give him too much guff because sometimes I do need someone to rein me in . . .in a loving manner.

Yes, I would love the comfort and security of knowing that while I have his back, there is a man around me watching out for me and my best interest. I would love to know I am not alone and that I have someone here on my side when the going gets tough.

So, yes, I do indeed NEED a man to take care of me, and I don't have a problem in the world with that.

So what is my point? That changing our perspective and losing some pride can be a wonderful thing.

What was an 'A-HA' moment YOU had recently?

{{HUGS}}
~Dani"


to which there was somewhat of a backlash of commentary stating that I may think I need a man but the truth is that really I just want one and don't really need one.

Yes, I do NEED a man. To use the 'argument' that I couldn't possibly 'need' a man because I have survived thus far without one is akin to saying that someone stranded in the desert with no water cannot possibly 'need' water because, hey, they have survived thus far without it. Yes, they have indeed survived a slow torturous death thus far, but make no mistake it is a slow tortuous death and it is not pleasant. They will, indeed, die without it, because they do in fact 'need' it. They are surviving, barely, thus far. . .they are 'making the best of it' thus far, but that can only take them so far before it will be a life and death situation.

I was once part of a true partnership. Instead of being stranded in the middle of the ocean, struggling to keep my head above water while I treaded water; watching as the sharks circle me; and trying not to keep swallowing sea water as the waves crash upon my head. . .I built a raft with someone and we were riding the waves together, safe from the sharks. We both could finally breathe. We slowly began converting our nice little raft into a yacht. Too bad the construction abruptly halted and I ended up getting tossed back into the storm-ravaged ocean again.

I was never so alive as I was when I was actively loving and being loved. . .and since that has been lost to me, a little piece of me has died every day.

We were not created to be alone, and that is doctrine. We cannot achieve Celestial Glory without each other and we were not intended to be alone for all of mortality and just 'use' each other as a free pass to Exaltation. The very things we learn and do within a relationship with one another are very key and necessary parts of the process in which we become Celestial.

Not all will leave this life with a partner, but that will be taken into account. I wonder what will happen to those who adopt the arrogant, short-sighted, and doctrinally-incorrect attitude that they don't 'need' anyone else for anything else and are just fine on their own. Isn't that akin to not doing their best to find and be a mate in this life? Couldn't that result in them not being found worthy of being given a mate there? I don't know but I sure don't want to take that chance. I also do not want to be living in a way and adopting an attitude which is doctrinally incorrect and teaching my child doctrinally incorrect attitudes.

Nothing in the Celestial realm is about being alone. Nothing. Eternal Marriage, Sealings, Eternal Family. . .all of it is about being together and how much we NEED each other.

It Is Not Good for Man or Woman to Be Alone by Sheri L. Dew

Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan by Elder David A. Bednar

Eternity is not some distant point in the afterlife. . .it is now and continues on through then.

Can we make do? Or course. It is one of the qualities He has blessed us with. Does that translate to us not 'needing' each other? Nope. Not by a long shot.

There were later several men who posted something to the effect that 'needing' should not be confused with 'inability to function without'. . .and yes, we do 'need' each other even though we also can and sometimes do 'function without' each other.

I appreciate their support and concise wording.

Thanks guys!


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