Changing Priorities: Choosing to Be Single . . . and Happy

I haven't been posting a lot on any of my blogs because I have been incredibly blessed with being busy with work. This affects this blog and brings me to today's post for another reason: choices.

I came to a point in my life in which I had to make a choice between continuing to pursue dating and relationships in the hope of meeting a right match or to pursue my career and business dreams. While I believe it is possible to have it all in theory, there are times when it just isn't viable in practice. I found myself unable to give appropriate attention to both, so I had to choose.

After carefully weighing my options, as well as all the pros and cons of each, I chose my career. I chose to pursue building my financial circumstance to ensure I could continue to provide for my family now, as well as for myself in retirement.

At some point, things may change and I will be able to shift the bulk of my attention to dating and creating relationships. For now, however, I chose this path and I am happy on it, except for the occasional pity-party about not having anyone to share and build a life with.

The point of all of this is that you can be happy while you are single. I knew that before and I still believe it now. It is a very different thing from feeling like you have everything in your life that you want. But, if you can't be happy when things aren't perfect, will you ever be happy? Or will you always focus on what you don't have and what else you 'need' to be happy (rather than realizing that happiness, itself, is a choice)?

I still get asked out and I struggle with the reality that I just can't give these men the time and attention they deserve with everything I have chosen to put on my plate. Being single for the rest of my life is certainly not my ideal life course.

But, in my heart, I believe that this is the right path for me, right now. Maybe one day the timing will be right to shift priorities, but maybe that day will never come . . .or maybe a right match will never come, even if I do begin to date again.

I can't predict the future, so I deal with today . . and each day, one day at a time.

Its ok to put dating ahead of other things or to put other things ahead of dating. Only you, being brutally honest with yourself, know what the right path is for you and your circumstances. You can be happy in your circumstances, whatever they are - and should be. We were not meant to be miserable. Life is a journey, but what we make of that journey is completely up to us.

The Perceptions of Men vs Women

Image via WikipediaI tend to believe that while we are ‘all the same’, there are times when men and women are just ‘wired’ differently. Today, I was part of a real-life, funny example of that.

My son’s cell phone broke, so we went to the local Radio Shack to replace it. They know us there, and they are just really wonderful and knowledgeable about everything electronic.

Today, one man and one woman were working. We were all looking at the phones (My teen and I were the only customers), and talking about the differences. The saleslady and I both commented on how much we liked the small blue phone. My son said, “But, it looks too girly!” We laughed. Then I asked the salesman what he thought. He hesitated, but my son prodded him. The salesman laughed and then agreed that he thought it looked ‘too girly’ as well.

Then, both males went for a neon green phone. They told us that it looked more ‘masculine’. The saleslady and I laughed, and almost at the same time commented that we thought that was the phone that looked ‘girly’.

The moral of the story is that even though men and women are ‘equal’, they may well view the world through very different perceptions. There is no right or wrong about this, it is just something that needs to be understood, accepted, and worked with.

When the focus is on working together rather than ‘being right’ a lot more can be done and many arguments can be avoided.

But, don’t take my word for it. There are studies that back up the fact that men and women really are ‘wired’ differently:

Brains Wired Differently in Men and Women by Andrea Thompson.
Livescience.com. September 8, 2008, 5:02 pm ET
http://www.livescience.com/health/080905-synapse-gap.html

Emotional Wiring Different in Men and Women
Livescience.com. April 19, 2006, 10:05 am ET
http://www.livescience.com/health/060419_brain_wiring.html

Men and Women: Are We Wired Differently?
Today Show/MSNBC – Health. (Updated) December 14, 2006
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16187129

Men and Women are Wired Differently by Dr.Gary and Barbara Rosberg
Marriage Intimacy.com, 2000.
http://www.marriageintimacy.com/intimacy-in-the-marriage-relationship.htm

The Attractiveness of Confidence

Photo © Lynn Davis
Definitions of confidence on the Web:
• assurance: freedom from doubt; belief in yourself and your abilities; "his assurance in his superiority did not make him popular"; "after that ...
• a feeling of trust (in someone or something); "I have confidence in our team"; "confidence is always borrowed, never owned"
• a state of confident hopefulness that events will be favorable; "public confidence in the economy"
• a trustful relationship; "he took me into his confidence"; "he betrayed their trust"
• a secret that is confided or entrusted to another; "everyone trusted him with their confidences"; "the priest could not reveal her confidences"
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

In dating and relationships, confidence is very attractive and is one of several very positive and necessary character traits generally required to have a healthy, happy relationship.

I found this fabulous article about confidence that explains what confidence is and why it is so attractive:

What Makes a Self-Confident Person Attractive? By Marti Yarbrough.

(*Note: the article concludes on page 2, with page 3 being the bibliography)

Slow Fade – The Slow Destruction of Self and Relationships

I heard this song for the first time last night, and it immediately caught my attention. The song points out how easy it is to move away – one little moment at a time - from any relationship or goal.

As the song says, “people don’t crumble in a day”. The destruction of dreams and relationships don’t happen in just one day – there is something that led to it, one little step at a time. Those little things usually involve justifications and desensitization, as well.

When we have a clear vision of what it is we want, and we stick with the desire to have that – even when its not easy – it is easier to stay on track. Its when we are unclear, unsure, and put other things first that we stumble, crumble, and fall.

Casting Crowns – Slow Fade (posted on AOL video)

Free eHarmony Weekend Jan 1- 4, 2009 - Happy New Year!

Image via WikipediaWhile on Facebook, I spotted an ad for a free weekend on eHarmony.

The link below will take you to a sign-up page that requires your first name and zip code along with some other innocuous information. Beyond that, I don’t know what you will be asked to do, though I assume from prior experience with eHarmony at the least you will be required to take the l-o-n-g quiz and fill out basic profile information.

They may or may not require upfront credit card information. If they do, be sure to print out the cancellation policy information so you will know how to protect yourself from being billed if you decide to cancel after the free weekend.

http://www.eharmony.com/singles/servlet/registration?cid=32601&aid=1000

New Year’s Resolutions and Dating

Image via WikipediaWith the new year rapidly approaching, many are contemplating what to tackle in 2009 as part of their “New Year’s Resolution”. For some, included items will be related directly or indirectly to dating and relationships.

The desired changes may be physical, financial, spiritual, or emotional in nature. However, resolutions are notorious for being broken shortly into the new year.

Over on About.com there is a great list of tips for keeping your New Year’s Resolution as well as some ‘Fast Facts’ about New Year’s Resolutions.

For some people, however, making changes is not something they resolve to do beginning in the new year, but something they undertake on an almost daily basis. For these people, changing is an ongoing process they consciously tackle throughout their lifetime.

So, when it comes to changing your life, are you a New Year’s Resolution person or a ongoing basis person? What changes will you be tackling in the upcoming year?

Resource:

10 Tips for Keeping New Year’s Resolutions. Amber J. Tresca.
About.com – IBD section
http://ibdcrohns.about.com/cs/mentalhealth/a/newyearresolve.htm

Women are Required to Cheat to Protect the Species

An interesting article from ScienceNOW Daily News involves the study of why females cheat – or try to mate with more than one male at a time. According to the multi-generational study of fruit flies, certain less-than-desirable traits can be eliminated by the competing sperm of multiple male partners. Thus, by mating with more than one male at a time, the odds are high that ‘good’ sperm will kill off the less-desirable sperm, so the offspring will be produced only by the 'good' sperm with the desirable traits. In this way, the species as whole is protected and strengthened.

I daresay that since humans are far more evolved than fruit flies and do not ‘mate’ only in order to procreate, the compulsion to be with more than one partner at a time is not about protecting and strengthening the species.

This is, however, yet another good attempt by science to justify bad behavior and poor judgment in humans. The previous attempt was aimed at cheating males.

Source:
Why the Lady Is a Tramp
By Rachel Zelkowitz
ScienceNOW Daily News
21 November 2008
http://sciencenow.sciencemag.org/cgi/content/full/2008/1121/1